NO PAPER FOR TWO WEEKS

Due to staff holidays, the Observer offices will be closed for a fortnight. We will resume our usual incisive and in-depth reporting in early January.

The editor and staff would like to take this opportunity to wish all our readers a very happy new year.

MAN GETS HARD ONE IN PANTS

A Froghill father of four got more than he expected when he unwrapped the underpants his wife had given him on Christmas morning.

For as Giles Mildew, 32, slipped his hand inside the Jockey ‘Slim Guy’ briefs, he noticed that they seemed to contain something long, heavy and hard.

He said: "My fingers closed around something fleshy and when I brought it out I saw that I was holding a pig’s snout.

“The wife was astonished,” said Mr Mildew, “she’d never seen me pull anything that firm out of my pants before.

“I dropped it pretty quickly, I can tell you,” he added.

Sharon Nugent, personnel manager for Knix-U-Like in St. Alfege Street, said the firm had investigated the incident. "We can only assume that the item in question had been sold to a member of the farming community and then returned to the shop for a refund," she said.

“Though that doesn’t quite explain how the briefs and their contents came to be repackaged and put back on display.

“As a gesture of goodwill, we’d like to offer Mr Mildew a replacement pair with our compliments. And, of course, we’d be more than happy for him to keep the snout.”

THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

Bus Tyre. Remould. Would suit 1968 Routemaster. Unwanted Christmas gift. £65. W. Decker, 388 7443.

Duane Allman’s Underpants. Blue with red gusset. Original stains still visible. Offers? Jessica, 0372 47159.

E Coli bacteria. Undetectable in most drinks and food. Poison your friends! Great party trick! £5 per batch. Di Rhea, 446 2538.

Peruvian Black Piranha. Eats anything, good with children. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Free to good home. Call in at Raylings Farm, Swansdike.

Phantom of the Opera face mask. White, asbestos lined. Fully adjustable nasal ports. Mains or battery powered. Unwanted Xmas gift. £18.99. A.L. Webber, 0372 42539.

Rotary Toad Inflator, battery powered, choice of nozzles. £350 ono. Selwyn Froggett, 0372 46618.

Sausage Cleaner. Sucks away grime, grit and fluff. Mains rechargeable. £19.50. Chip O’Lahta, 255 6270.

Teach Yourself pig servicing. Step-by-step guide, many colour illustrations. £7.50 Bess T. Allitti, 446 2724.

White Whale, 93 feet long, eats krill and the occasional human leg. A must for your next pool party. £6,500. Capt. A. Habbe, 0372 48836.

FOR HIRE

Carpet tufts realigned. £25 per sq m. Meg Nettick-North, 388 7295.

Puzzles Solved while-u-wait. £10 per hour. Nelson Riddle, 446 2517.

Removals undertaken: home, office, appendix - you name it. £50 per day. Freddie Willingen-Abel, 0372 44189.

THE EDITOR AND STAFF

of the Froghill Observer

would like to wish all our readers a

Merry Christmas

and

Happy New Year

FROGHILL’S DRINKERS GO ON THE BOTTLE

A scheme to replace beer glasses with baby’s bottles as part of a larger initiative to reduce violence has been broadly welcomed by pub landlords.

DS Geoff Bunton, of Froghill Constabulary, is promoting the Campaign Against Trouble Emanating from Rowdy, Pugnacious, Intoxicated Low-Lifes, Adolescents, Ruffians and Scumbags (CATERPILLARS) in an attempt to reduce the number of pub brawls over the coming holiday period.

"For a long time now, pop concert venues have sold beer in plastic containers as a way of reducing fight-related injuries,” said DS Bunton. "We took this as our starting point and then went one step further, completely enclosing the drink in a sealed unit.”

The pint-sized baby’s bottles come with a reinforced rubber teat and are made of hi-tensile graphite, which is virtually shatterproof. This makes them cost effective as well as safe, as they hardly ever need replacing.

“Not only does the new container reduce the potential for glass-related fight injuries,” said DS Bunton, “but reliving the experience of contented childhood sucking actually has a pacifying effect, thus reducing aggression levels in the drinker.”

Bill Blocker, landlord of the The Nut Tree in Bancroft Street, said: "I think it’s a great idea and we’ve been serving all our drinks in the new bottles for the last two weeks. In fact, we’ve gone the whole hog and now refuse entry to anyone not dressed in a nappy.

“We find it keeps the toilets cleaner,” he added.

GOOD KING WENCESLAS LOOKED OUT...ON THE FEAST OF FROGHILL

Froghill is the best place in the UK to spend the festive season – and that’s official. The town came first in the Christmas Rating and Approval Poll, a nationwide survey conducted by Gallup, beating bigger and more glamorous places like London and Cleethorpes.

And here are ten CRAP reasons why we’re No.1 in the seasonal situation stakes:

1. Legend has it that Saint Nicholas was born in a caravan in the Froghill area.
2. Froghill has more robins per square mile than anywhere else in Britain.
3. The spherical Christmas pudding was invented in Withering in AD 622.
4. Froghill is popular with elves as a winter holiday destination.
5. The intersection of several ley lines at the base of Traubert’s Hill means that turkeys naturally congregate there.
6. Froghill is the only place in the mainland UK where venison poaching is legal.
7. Bing Crosby’s original working title for White Christmas was Oh, My Gosh, How I Wish I Was In Froghill Now That It’s Christmas Time.
8. Due to local atmospheric conditions, Christmas crackers make more of a bang in Froghill than they do anywhere else.
9. Due to the disproportionately high percentage of senior citizens living here, our Christmas stockings are made of thicker, more retentive material and so can hold more.
10. The 1972 Queen’s Christmas speech was filmed in the saloon bar of the Nag’s Head in Froghill High Street just after Her Majesty had got a round in.

BOREVILLE AND DRONE OPEN ICE RINK

Olympic gold medallists Jayne Boreville and Christopher Drone were stars of the show at yesterday's official opening of Froghill's new portable ice rink.

The rink, which can accommodate up to 120 skaters and folds up to the size of a small Hovis loaf, is a gift from the citizens of our German twin town, Horsbaden.

As a gesture of the goodwill between our two communities, skating contortionist Elke Schluter and champion bratwurst manipulator Dieter Koch represented Horsbaden at the evening's gala event.

At the climax of a highly entertaining show, Jane and Chris were joined for a vigorous dance routine by pupils from the Sunnyvale school for the blind.

The rink will be open from 8 am to 5.30 pm every day until April 10th, 2007, after which time it will be kept in a shed at Froghill Council’s Wildernesse Road depot. For more details phone 0372 41111 or email icetime@frogmail.gov.org

TRADERS BUY NEW TREE

Three weeks after Froghill’s official tree lighting ceremony ended in disaster, a new tree has been erected in the town centre.

The previous tree suffered an electrical fault and caught fire, toppling over and crushing George Chittling’s car just moments after he threw the switch to illuminate it.

Cutbacks in the Council’s decorations budget meant that there were no funds for a replacement, so local traders decided to club together to buy a new one.

“We felt that something needed to be done,” said Becky Sugar, manager of Sweet-U-Like, “so we had a whip round. We raised a total of £5.37 and used the money to buy a new tree.

"After all, it just wouldn’t be Christmas without a tree, now would it?”

The new tree measures three feet two inches and is made of a weather-resistant PVC-based material. It stands at the junction of High Street and St Alfege Street and is decorated with nine balls and the charred remains of the original fairy.

To prevent a recurrence of last year’s attacks, the new tree has been electrified to deter vandals. As a further precautionary measure, the gift-wrapped ‘presents’ around its base are all booby trapped. Any attempt to tamper with them will result in the perpetrator being sprayed with half a litre of concentrated nitric acid.

I OWE MY LIFE TO BOB THE BUILDER

A Withering man has told how a quick-thinking workmate saved his life after he suffered a sudden onset of Anodyne Pop Effect Syndrome (APES).

For Dave Spatchett, 26, last Friday morning started ordinarily enough. He was digging a drainage hole at the Elm Road housing development and listening to Radio 1 on a portable set in the cab of his JCB.

Speaking to the Observer from his bed in Froghill General, Mr Spatchett said: “It was just like any other day, I’d had a good night’s sleep, a nice breakfast and I felt fine.

"Then suddenly, Easy Peasy by the Sugarboobs came on. I remember suddenly feeling really faint and dizzy and I started sweating. After that, it all went blank.”

Dave had, in fact, suffered an attack of APES, an increasingly common condition in which the victim experiences an extreme allergic reaction to a banal pop song.

As he slumped over in his seat, Dave’s right hand nudged the control lever in front of him while his foot simultaneously pressed down on the accelerator. His JCB roared forward, shovel swinging from side to side in front of it.

Careering out of control, it scooped up a Portaloo which stood directly in its way.

“One minute I was having a sit down and a little look at page 3,” said bricklayer Kevin Codpiece, “next minute I’m up in the air, all my tackle on display, with the toilet over me, raining everything down on my head."

“I’ve washed my hair 24 times since Friday morning and I still can’t shift the smell.”

The JCB ploughed on, haydraulic arm swinging, scattering workers as it veered crazily through the mud. Charging through the site hut and then the perimeter fence, it made its way out onto Elm Road. The huge machine started trundling in the direction of the village, grabbing at parked cars as it went.

It snared a small dachshund on the pavement outside Veejay’s News and flung it around by the neck before tossing it yelping into a rubbish skip outside the Barley Mow.

“My poor Bubbles!” said 77-year-old owner Ada Routledge. “I was just walking him down to the shops. I was taking him to buy some doggy chocs, he does love them and he’s been such a good boy lately.

“Well there we were, walking along, when suddenly the lead gets pulled out of my hand and he’s being swung about all over the place by this great big machine. Well, I was that terrified, I couldn’t even scream.

“Thank God that skip was full of old foam rubber, that’s all I can say, otherwise I don’t know what would have happened to him.”

It was then that the hero of the hour stepped forward. Bob Truckleworth, a plasterer at the Elm Road site, emerged from one of the half-completed houses just in time to see the JCB disappearing through the fence. He immediately jumped into a dump truck which was idling nearby and gave chase.

As he drew level with the fugitive digger, Bob could hear the radio playing inside the cab. As luck would have it, he’d read an article about APES in Libellous! magazine only the day before and recognised the symptoms. Leaping across to Dave’s cab with a swift and decisive movement, Bob knew that he had only seconds to come up with a musical antidote.

“There wasn’t a moment to lose, Dave’s face was deathly pale and his breathing was very shallow,” said Bob.

“I held his head in my hands, steering the digger as best I could with my buttocks, and sang the opening bars from Stairway to Heaven directly into his left ear. When I got to the bit about the stores all being closed, he began to come round, thank God.

“I got the JCB under control and managed to park it outside Disc-U-Like. The people in the shop quickly put on Led Zeppelin 4 and turned up the volume to keep him awake until the ambulance came.”

The good news is that with regular prog rock therapy, Dave is expected to make a complete recovery and should be home in time for Christmas. Likewise Bubbles, who is back with his owner after a touch-and-go 24 hours in intensive care.

“The vet said that due to the jerking he received, he’ll probably be 10 feet long for the rest of his life,” said Mrs Routledge, “but apart from that, he’ll be fine.”

And what of the man whose heroic actions saved his workmate’s life?

“It was nothing,” said Bob modestly, “anyone would have done the same. It was just lucky that I’m a Zep fan and can hold a bit of a tune, that’s all.”

WHAT’S IN YOUR STOCKING THIS CHRISTMAS?

A yearning for the good old days has led to a run on traditional favourite toys and games this Christmas.

Owners of toy shops in the Froghill area say that classics such as Buckaroo, Spacehoppers, Bobby Charlton wigs and Embassy Regal cigarettes are much in demand as parents use their offspring’s Christmas stockings as an excuse to return to their own childhoods.

This season’s purchases are being driven not only by toy nostalgia, but also by goods related to films such as Holiday On The Buses, The Exorcist and Koyanasqatsi and TV shows like Crossroads, John Craven’s Newsround and Man About The House.

Hengist Mapplethorpe, manager of Toys ‘N’ Stuff in The Beeches said: “We're selling a lot of baby-boomer era toys and games this year. Celebrity-endorsed products are also proving highly popular.”

Among the seasonal best sellers are:

• Ronco ‘Chillomatic’ nipple erectors
• Berlin Sheraton 'Cutie Pie’ brain erasers
• Ronnie Kray ‘Rainbow’ bubble kits
• Bratney Spears ‘Ripcord’ pneumatic breast inflators
• Sinclair C5 self-adhesive rocket launchers
• Michael Burymore lifeguard uniforms
• Klaus Barbie dolls
• Dead Parrots

CHEETINGHAM PENSIONER IN LONG-DISTANCE IDENTITY MIX-UP

Senior citizen Eva Fittler was more than a little surprised when, five weeks ago, she started getting phone calls from a man speaking in a strong German accent.

“He said his name was Martin,” said Eva, who lives in Cheetingham with her husband Adel, “and that he was phoning long distance from Paraguay.”

Now as far as Eva was aware, neither she nor her husband had any German acquaintances at all, let alone one called Martin who lived in South America.

“The man phoned several times and he was quite insistent,” said the 94-year-old. “He said he was sorry for the delay, but it had taken him some time to track us down, what with the change of spelling and everything.

“Then he said that he was still in contact with Hermann and Heinrich and some of the old gang and that they were just waiting for Adel to give them the word.

“Well, I had no idea what he was on about, I thought he must have been a bit funny in the head,” said Eva.

Then, last Saturday, while she was watching a programme about the Wehrmacht on the History Channel, she suddenly realised where all the confusion had come from.

"Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather,” said Eva, “I mean, my Adel may have been a bit of a tearaway in his time but he never did anything like that.

“I suppose it must have been the fact that he has a moustache that led to the mix-up,” she added.

SENT TO JAIL FOR SENDING MAIL

A Withering man has been taken into custody after attempting to extort money from Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown.

Cyril Gallsworthy, 45, of Bigglesworth Road, spent yesterday evening in detention in Froghill police station after repeatedly mailing the Chancellor asking for a personal loan.

Speaking to the Observer from his cell, Mr Gallsworthy said: "I’ve been a taxpayer all my life, but recently I’ve been a bit strapped for cash. Well, I’ve been putting it in for long enough, so I thought why shouldn’t I be able to take some out in return?

"So I wrote to Mr Brown asking if he could lend me a bit to help pay the gas bill.”

On that occasion, Mr Gallsworthy received a polite reply from the Chancellor’s office, explaining that it was not common practice for the Treasury to lend money to private citizens. This did not deter him, however.

“What with Christmas coming, I didn’t see how I was going to make ends meet,” said Mr Gallsworthy, “so I sent him another mail asking for a couple of thousand, just to tide me over. I mean, I wasn’t asking for a handout or anything, I promised to pay it all back.”

This time, however, Mr Gallsworthy’s mail received nothing but silence. Angered by the obvious snub from Number 11, he got straight back onto his computer keyboard.

“I emailed the Chancellor saying that if he didn’t put five thousand into my bank account by the close of business on Friday,” said Mr Gallsworthy, “I’d go to the papers with the story about the tapir and the rubber tube in the House of Commons bar last month.

“It was just a bluff,” he added.

But it was a bluff which backfired, as Mr Gallsworthy found out to his cost. For unbeknownst to him, there actually had been a scandal involving a tapir near the House of Commons in November. Allegations of misconduct by senior members of the cabinet appeared in the Snail on Sunday, leading to a week of frantic damage limitation by the government.

“I never read the papers and my telly got repossessed in September,” said a rueful Mr Gallsworthy last night, “so I didn’t know anything about any scandal, otherwise I never would have done it.

“The police have told me that if I’m lucky, I’ll be granted bail,” he added, “but I don’t know how I’m going to pay it.

"Perhaps I’ll write to Elton Ben - he’d have to be good for a bob or two.”

BARRIE’S JOCKSTRAP GOES TO JAPAN

A studded leather jockstrap worn by TV presenter Barrie Nesbitt has fetched £5,000 in a Christmas charity auction at Southeby’s.

The skimpy garment, worn by Barry for an item about subdom sex on children’s TV programme Mr Wobbly’s Interesting Bits, went under the hammer at the famous London auction house last Friday.

The cash raised by the sale will go towards the purchase of a nuclear-powered stomach pump for the mistletoe poisoning unit at Froghill General. Barrie, who lives with his family in Traubert’s Heath, is reported to be delighted with the amount raised.

The jockstrap attracted a great deal of interest, eventually selling to an anonymous phone bidder from Osaka.

RITZY RATS A CRACKER FOR CHRISTMAS

Unsure what to give your guinea pig this Christmas? Don’t know what to wrap for your rat? Well, don’t despair. Froghill's newest designer boutique will put panties in their pillow cases and stockings in their stockings.

Following cerebrally-challenged celebrities like Berlin Sheraton, whose pet capybara sports Armani, and Bratney Spears, whose chinchilla favours body-conscious boob tubes, Froghill rodent lovers can now buy high heels for their hamsters or jodhpurs for their gerbils.

Ritzy Rats, in Bancroft Street, is the brainchild of 38 year-old Melanie Dumstruck, who’s been a rodent fancier since she was given her first hamster at the age of nine. She now has seven gerbils, six rabbits, three chipmunks, two Laotian rock rats and a beaver.

Following a mild case of SARS earlier this year, Melanie found herself with time on her hands while she was recuperating in Froghill General.

“It was then that the idea came to me,” she said. “I remember the weather had taken a turn for the worse, and I was sitting in my hospital bed worrying about whether my animals would be warm enough at home.

“I found myself thinking it would be nice to wrap them up in something woolly to keep the cold out. And then it occurred to me to do something about it, so I started sketching out some basic dress designs.”

Once out of hospital, Melanie devoted her energies to finding a manufacturer who would be able to turn her designs into reality. She eventually settled on a textile company in Burma which employs a large number of four- and five-year-old children.

“Because the children’s fingers are so small they have no trouble doing the fine stitching”, said Melanie. “They work long hours and they’re dead cheap as well, which is a definite bonus!”

Since her grand opening in September, Melanie has seen a steady increase in people showing an interest in dressing up their pets.

“Only the other day we had a visit from Elton Ben,” she said with a touch of pride. “He bought over £1,000 worth of goods, including a complete miniature Santa outfit, two leather basques and several sets of four-legged tights.”

Melanie's hottest seasonal sellers include:

*Brisker Whiskers, £29.99. A pair of long, stiff falsies to highlight that cute little snout.

*The Hamster Hoodie, £49.99. Comes in grey or black, ideal for the rodent who likes to infest shopping malls.

*The Night Before Christmas, £24.99. Padded socks for mice who prefer a silent night.

*Ratty’s Roll-ons, £9.99. A packet of three cheese-flavoured condoms for those naughty nights in the nestbox.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

In November, I entered a competition in Popular Embalming magazine after reading about it in the Observer. And last week, I received a letter informing me that I had won first prize!

It has now arrived! WOW! A whole year’s supply of cadavers! And all thanks to your timely coverage.

Hooray for the Froghill Observer - I really couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks again.

Donna K. Babb

Cheetingham

The Editor replies:

Several readers have contacted the Observer reporting a similar experience. You can rest assured that we will continue with the in-depth and incisive reporting for which we have become rightly famous.

TURKEYS TRUSSED BY RED TAPE

Plans for a yuletide turkey shoot in the centre of Froghill have had to be scrapped due to council red tape.

Proprietors in The Beeches had hoped to pull in the seasonal shoppers by releasing 5,000 live turkeys into the centre of the precinct this weekend.

Speaking to the Observer, Dominic Restinpeece, manager of the Stiff-U-Like funeral directors, expressed anger over Froghill Council’s bureaucratic humbug.

“We wanted to release the turkeys from a lorry next Saturday afternoon when the precinct is crowded,” he said. “The plan was to hand out high-powered rifles and then let people bag themselves a bird or two.”

“Unfortunately, some obscure council by-law concerning the use of automatic weapons in built-up areas means that our plans have had to be scrapped. This will leave many of us seriously out of pocket.

“I have just one word to say to the Council.” Mr Restinpeece added. “Gobblers!”

In a separate development, a proposal by the Buy Me And Stop One prophylactic warehouse to decorate the lamp posts in St Alfege Street with condom-clad Christmas puddings has also been turned down by the Council.

MAN GAVE DOG BISCUITS ‘FOR HIS OWN GOOD’

A Froghill man who tried to ‘educate’ his dog about the dangers of biscuit addiction walked free from Froghill Magistrate’s Court yesterday.

In an extraordinary court session, Wallace Shapiro, 50, of Swansdike Road, was found guilty of premeditated canine compulsion but acquitted of the more serious charge of aggravated bloating of a domestic animal.

The Court heard how Shapiro force fed his 6-month old fox terrier Socky a total of 1,525 Jaffa Cakes in what he termed “aversion therapy”, adding that he “did it for his own good”.

Prosecuting counsel Peter Chaffe told the court how Mr Shapiro’s neighbours were woken in the small hours of Sunday morning by a whining noise coming from his house. Alarmed by what appeared to be an animal in distress, they immediately alerted the emergency services.

Giving his evidence to the court, Detective Constable Jerry Berman of the Biscuit Abuse Rapid Response Team (BARRT) said: “we arrived at the premises and forced an entry through the back door. Once inside, we found a barely conscious Socky lying prone on the kitchen floor. He was bloated to over 10 times his normal size and had to be rushed to a nearby vet for enema treatment.

“Over 30 kilos of chocolate, sponge cake and special orangey bit were subsequently evacuated from the animal’s intestines.”

Speaking for the defence, Barrington Snuff QC said: "My client had seen the documentary Bite The Biscuit only the day before. The film made such an impact upon him that he became determined his pet should not be exposed to the horrors of biscuit addiction.

He therefore took it upon himself to administer this extreme, though well-intentioned, form of preventative medicine.”

Judge Neville Siliphant told Shapiro: "It is lucky for you that Socky is recuperating well, otherwise the predicament in which you find yourself might have been considerably more grave."

Shaipro was given a jail sentence of six months suspended for two years and a fine of £50 with £3,500 costs. He was also forbidden to purchase or hire confectionery within a 50 mile radius of Froghill.

STUDENTS GIVE RED NOSE THE GREEN LIGHT

Everyone knows the song about how a reindeer’s nose allowed Santa to navigate on a foggy night. But could there be any scientific truth in it? Could a common or garden nose really light up foggy conditions sufficiently to allow flight?

Those were the questions that a group of Froghill College science students set out to answer last weekend when they conducted a highly unusual experiment.

The first step in the project was to find a reindeer. Using a real animal was out of the question, as no reindeer have been seen in the Froghill area since 1924, so they decided to substitute one of their number instead.

“We chose Ruud Ulfe, a Dutch exchange student at the college,” said project leader Stuart McKechnie.

“He's only been in the UK a couple of months, so he's still not entirely used to the fact that people drive on the opposite side of the road here. This made him the ideal candidate for our purpose.”

Forecasts indicated last Sunday as perfect weather-wise, so early that evening the students sandpapered Ruud's nose until it shone bright red. They then applied a thin film of varnish to prevent the exposed flesh from healing over and becoming dull.

“In order to fully test our hypothesis, we had to make sure that Ruud would not try to compensate for the luminosity of his nose,” explained Stuart, “so our next step was to incapacitate him.

“First, we had him consume 15 bottles of Bacardi Breezer, followed by a half kilogram of pulped mistletoe berries. We then encased each of his feet in a five kilogram block of concrete, just to be on the safe side.

When we were certain that he was properly disabled, we drove him out to the Froghill by-pass and left him on the eastbound carriageway.”

Ruud then spent a strictly-timed hour standing in the fast lane, shrouded by the thickening fog. The project’s success or failure entirely depended on whether or not he was hit by a vehicle during this period.

“I’m pleased to report that the project was an unqualified success,” said a jubilant Stuart.

“Ruud sustained no physical injury whatsoever. By tracking the traffic movements around him, we realised that drivers could easily see him through the fog. Using digital cameras linked to a computer, we calculated that Ruud's nose was visible from anything up to 500 metres away.

“We therefore concluded that it is highly plausible that a bright, shiny nose would provide adequate light to guide a team of flying reindeer in conditions of reduced visibility.”

Speaking of their efforts, Malcolm Grover, the students' science teacher, said: “I’m really very pleased with the intitiative the group has shown.

"Not only have they demonstrated that popular myth can indeed be based on scientific principles, but they have done so with flair and imagination.

“I particularly applaud Ruud’s dedication to this project and sincerely hope the hallucinations pass off before too much longer.”

The Froghill Amateur Dramatic Society

FADS

presents the seasonal favourite

SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS

at St. Mark's Church Hall, Froghill

at 8pm, on Fri Dec 17 and Sat Dec 18, 2006
Tickets: £5 (adv) and £6 (on the door). Contact Daphne Stephenson on 0372 44719 or Pam Blackwell on 0372 41623, after 6pm.

BISCUIT FILM AT THE BEECHES

A controversial film about people who become chronically addicted to biscuits is to be shown at The Beeches Cineplex. The screening will form part of a nationwide series of events intended to promote Biscuit Awareness Week.

The message of the hard-hitting film, entitled Bite the Biscuit, is that no-one is safe from the perils of addiction. The one-hour documentary graphically depicts the downward spiral of an addict who loses his job, his home and his family and is finally reduced to prostitution in order to get his daily fix of Hob Nobs.

Rich Tee, director of the Biscuit And Sweet Treat Addicts’ Remedial Diagnosis Service (BASTARDS), said: “This is a brave initiative in the fight against an addiction that many people do not even realise exists.

“With the festive season upon us, a time when people traditionally overindulge, it is even more crucial that we do everything we can to promote awareness of this crippling condition.

“We strongly urge people to go and see this film.”

Biscuit Awareness Week runs from December 3rd to 10th. For more information, log on to www.bastards.org.

The Editor writes:

Do any of our readers have an amusing or heartwarming story about biscuit addiction? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

CAR CRUSHED BY TREE IN FESTIVE FIASCO

What a load of baubles! So thought businessman George Chittling after he switched on the lights of the town’s Christmas tree yesterday. For instead of twinkling in the twilight of Froghill Common, the 25-foot spruce fell crashing straight onto his brand-new car.

This year's tree was originally to have been illuminated by Jelli Harriwell, the former Space Girl, whose hit Scream If You Want A New Toaster sold over 40 copies nationwide.

However, due to Council reductions in the town's decorations budget, this proved impossible, so George Chittling, Froghill’s Businessman of The Year for 2002, stepped in to take the ginger star’s place.

“I’m afraid I’m not wearing my patriotic pants today,” he quipped, referring to Jelli’s trademark minidress, “but I'm proud to be a resident of this wonderful town, nonetheless.”

Then, looking out over the small crowd of people huddled together in the drizzle, he announced: “I hereby declare Froghill officially switched on for Christmas!” before pulling down the ceremonial lever.

“I was expecting all the lights to come on,” said nine-year-old Nicholas Bladen, “and for a second, they did. Then they started blinking and there was this loud fizzling noise and a smell of burning.

“Then some of the light bulbs exploded and the whole tree caught on fire. It was really cool, much better than just seeing it light up.”

The crowd watched in awe as the burning tree, bulbs popping like fireworks, swayed for a moment on its plinth. Then it keeled over with a loud creak, crashing onto the roof of Mr Chittling’s Volvo V70, which was parked just underneath.

Preliminary investigations suggest that a combination of damp weather and faulty wiring were responsible for the mishap, though this news will be of little cheer to Mr Chittling.

“The car’s a complete write-off and I’ve only had it since July,” he said, “I mean, I’ve heard of Christmas falling once a year but this is ridiculous!”

HOLY GRAIL ‘A CRUDE AND OBVIOUS FAKE’

The metal bowl donated to a Froghill charity shop three weeks ago is “categorically not the Holy Grail”, according to a spokesman for the British Museum.

The bowl was given to Save the Tapirs by a man who subsequently turned out to have escaped from a secure ward at The Firs. The event gave rise to hopes that the vessel used by Jesus at the Last Supper might miraculously have found its way to Froghill.

Speaking on behalf of the British Museum, Dr. Digby Morpeth told the Observer : “I can confirm that the bowl is categorically not the Holy Grail. Upon its being subjected to carbon-dating, the artefact proved to be somewhat less than 30 years old.

“The inscription ‘World’s Best Saviour’, which appeared on the side of the vessel, was poorly executed, most likely done with the point of a Swiss Army knife. This was easily stripped away by acid etching. Once removed, the legend ‘A Souvenir from Skegness’ could be clearly discerned.

“Likewise the signature ‘Samuel Cohen and Sons, Jerusalem’ on the base which, once erased, revealed the words: ‘Golden Dragon Manufacturing Co., Taiwan’.

“It is with regret that I must inform the townspeople of Froghill that their hoped-for Holy Grail is nothing more than a crude and obvious fake. It is considerably less miraculous than finding a live tadpole in a bottle of low fat milk.”

DROPPING ‘E’ REUNITES MATES AFTER 60 YEARS

Les Boscombe and Joe Waghorn last saw each other on the beaches of Normandy back in 1944 when, pinned down by enemy gunfire, they pledged to remain friends forever.

Yet despite their best intentions, Les, 83, of Traubert’s Heath, and Joe, 84, from Carshalton, ended up losing touch as the years went by. And so it might have remained, had it not been for a mutual interest in creamy confections and a careless misprint in a magazine.

Last month, Joe, a widower of fifteen years, decided that he needed to broaden his horizons a little. So he placed a personal ad in the October issue of The Custard Fanciers’ Gazette, which read:

“Octogenarian, into caramel custard, blancmange and other oral delights, seeks similar for beating and whipping. Eggs and cream provided. Jo, Box 113.”

Now it so happened that Les, out of pure curiosity, bought a copy of the same magazine from the sub post office where he collects his pension. “I was browsing through the small ads,” said Les at his home in Boxwood Lane, “when my eye stopped on that one.

“It looked intriguing, so, just out of devilment, I answered it. Because there was no ‘e’ at the end of the name, I thought it was a woman I was writing to. I didn’t sign my name because I’d never done anything like that before and I was a bit embarrassed, to tell the truth.”

Joe promptly wrote back and the two agreed to meet, still thinking that it was to be a tryst between dessert lovers of the opposite sex.

“So there I was, standing under the clock on Waterloo station,” said Les, “with a carnation in my buttonhole, waiting for ‘Jo’ who was supposed to be wearing the same.

“Well, I noticed this bloke wearing a carnation in his buttonhole just like mine, but I never connected him with the ad. I just looked at him and thought ‘poor bugger, he’s been stood up’. And all along, he was probably thinking exactly the same about me!”

After an hour’s fruitless waiting and piqued by curiosity, the two finally struck up a conversation. It was then that they began to realise that some kind of mistake had been made.

So they repaired to a local pub, still unaware that they were in fact old mates from the Normandy landings.

“It was only when we were getting into our second pint that the penny dropped and we realised who each other really was,” chuckled Les. “When it dawned on me that this was Joe Waghorn, and that I hadn’t seen him since D-Day, well, I tell you, you could have knocked me down with an egg custard.”

Now that they’ve been reunited, the two old soldiers have vowed not to lose touch again. And they’ve also promised each other to check the small print in the personals very carefully from now on.

BUY LOCAL OR KISS GOODBYE TO OUR JOBS

Families are being urged to give foreign producers the kiss-off by buying only British mistletoe this Christmas.

That's the seasonal message from the Froghill Chamber of Commerce, who stress that buying British not only saves local farming jobs, it also protects foreign workers.

“Much of the mistletoe which comes into the country at this time of year is produced in Burma,” said a Chamber of Commerce spokesman.

“It may be cheaper, but it has often been grown in appallingly inhumane conditions.

"Many Burmese mistletoe farms are nothing more than sweatshops, employing children as young as four and a half years old, who work 19 hours a day and are paid as little as 50p a year.”

Local farmer Jeb Blunt said: “All my plants are free range and grown according to Mistletoe and Ivy Native Growers’ Environmental Society (MINGES) guidelines. These stipulate that all commercially-produced mistletoe must be hand picked by workers with at least four GCSEs, one of which should be in a science subject, and have a minimum of 21 berries per square centimetre.

“This country produces some of the finest mistletoe in the world,” added Mr Blunt, “so buy British, save our jobs and kiss with confidence this Christmas.”

Did You Know?

*Mistletoe is not actually a plant. It is in fact a variety of seahorse.

*Mistletoe as we know it today was originally cultivated by the Incas and used in sacrificial rites.

*Mistletoe berries are much prized by Pitcairn Islanders, who blend them with regurgitated millet and believe them to have aphrodisiac qualities.

*The first recorded ‘kiss beneath the mistletoe’ took place in a village hall in Monmouthshire in 1861.

*Mistletoe berries have a hallucinogenic effect when mixed with Bacardi Breezer.

‘ISLANDERS’ SERVED WITH EVICTION ORDER

Council bailiffs have been drafted in to evict a group of travelling people living on a traffic island in King Street.

The people have been living on the island, which measures 12 feet by four, for the past three years. Last Monday, however, they were served with an eviction order from Froghill Magistrate’s Court and told they have to leave by the end of this week.

It is understood that should they fail to comply, the 160 or so ‘islanders’ will be scooped up by dump truck and taken to the municipal incinerator in Wildernesse Road, where they will burned.

Rob Crusoe, 41, a spokesman for the islanders, said: “I can’t see what all the fuss is about. We are not causing any harm by living on the island.

“It all boils down to the fact that there are one or two posh shops in King Street and people there think our presence lowers the tone. It’s a shame, because if they had been prepared to talk to us I’m sure we could have sorted something out.

Moira Snitteridge, owner of the Glitz-U-Like boutique, said: “My shop window looks directly onto the island. Now I’m as tolerant as the next person, but these travellers are a public nuisance. They litter the street with their broken cars and fridges, they hang their washing out across the road and they let their children run wild and cheek passers-by.

“And they breed like rabbits – believe me, I’ve watched them going at it from between the blinds.

“My business has most definitely suffered in the time they’ve been living there,” she added, “so good riddance to bad rubbish, that’s what I say.”

The Editor writes:

Do any of our readers have unusual, economical or practical tips for dealing with travellers? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

HELP OLD PEOPLE BEAT THE WRAP THIS CHRISTMAS

Don't leave old folks in the car unattended.

That's the seasonal message from Froghill Constabulary who say that seating elderly relatives in the car and then leaving the engine to warm up while you return to the house means easy pickings for thieves.

A police spokesman said: "A lot of old folks get stolen at this time of year. Typically, they are snatched from cars while the driver is temporarily occupied elsewhere.

"Once stolen, old people are taken to workshops and quickly stripped of their skins. These are then made into expensive, antique-style Christmas wrapping paper. Well-wrinkled skins are much in demand and can fetch anything up to £2000 each on the black market."

Other ways you can protect your old folks this winter include:

*Ironing them each morning to remove any dermatological creases
*Having them fitted with ID chips
*Sharpening their dentures or impregnating their nails with anthrax
*Dressing them in karate uniforms
*Having wheelchairs fitted with alarm systems
*Wrapping Zimmer frames with razor wire

Anyone with information about crimes involving the elderly should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

POP STAR OPENS DRAIN

Heartthrob singer Blobbie Williams was welcomed by tens of hysterical fans when he came to inaugurate Froghill High Street’s newly refurbished storm drain yesterday afternoon.

The Edwardian drain, which is protected by the National Trust, has been under wraps for the last year while workmen have been giving it a facelift.

The portly pop star was met at 2pm by Sir Hugh Ffyffes-Banana, chairman of the Historical Edifice and Artefact Development Association and Cultural Heritage Evaluation Society (HEADACHES).

Blobbie was then taken on a tour of the newly-painted drain, starting on the east side before walking clockwise around it. He then went on to cut the ribbon and declare the installation officially open.

Sir Hugh said: "I didn't know what to expect of him, but Blobbie seemed genuinely interested in the painting process and the number of coats it took to completely weatherproof the grating.

"It’s good to see pop stars of Blobbie’s calibre setting an example to our young people in this way.

"He obviously found all the excitement emotionally draining,” quipped Sir Hugh with a smile, “as he could hardly stop himself yawning all the way through the ribbon cutting ceremony!”