SWANSDIKE'S PUBLIC ENEMA NO.1

Swansdike residents were treated to an impressive aquatic display when a mains pipe burst over the weekend, causing one unlucky villager to be catapulted high into the air.

A plume of water shot skywards from the main, which burst near the Green Man pub. Unfortunately for 54 year-old labourer Joe Gardener, the main was located directly beneath the bench upon which he had been resting.

Said Mr Gardener of his ordeal:

“I didn’t know what the hell was going on. One minute I was sitting having a smoke, the next minute, Whoosh! I was 40 feet up in the air. I don’t know what was worse, being up there or having all that water forced up my rear end. It brought my bloody breakfast back!”

Local resident Vic Smethwick witnessed the event: "It was about ten o'clock in the morning, and my wife and I were just walking to church. Suddenly, we saw this great big jet of water soaring into the air. It was at least twice as high as a house. On the top of it, we could make out Mr Gardener, waving his arms about and shouting for help. He seemed to be in some distress.

"I immediately rushed home and got my camera.”

The situation was fixed by the afternoon and Mr Gardener, once safely back on terra firma, was taken to Froghill General and kept in overnight for observation.

A spokesperson for water mains maintenance company, Pipes-U-Like, said that bursts are often caused by cold weather, though this one was unusually spectacular.

He added: "The incident was most likely due to the severe frosts we’ve been experiencing recently, and we’ll be investigating the cause in the very near future. In the meantime, we’d like to say how glad we are that Mr Gardener came through his ordeal intact.

"We’ve offered to bear the cost of repairing his trousers as a goodwill gesture.”

EXHIBITION OPENS AT TOWN HALL

A new and unusual exhibition opened last Friday in the Reginald Perrin Room at Froghill Town Hall. Entitled ‘Squatter's Rights: Wiping Away Cultural Barriers’, it features over 1,000 daubings with a difference. For every single exhibit is a used sheet of toilet paper.

The exhibition is the brainchild of Japanese globetrotter Mayuko Hishida, who collected, and then kept, a piece of toilet paper from every hotel she has stayed in over the past two decades.

Said Ms Hishida:

“No matter who you are, what language you speak, where you live or what you do, you have to use the toilet. It is one of the few activities which unite us as humans. So, about 20 years ago, I began collecting examples of this great leveller. I hope that by displaying my exhibits all together, side by side, we can break down the barriers between cultures and appreciate our common humanity.”

Among Ms Hishida’s more unusual exhibits are a 2-ply monogrammed sheet of gold leaf from the Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi, and a thin sheet of ice from the Ice Hotel in Kiruna, Sweden, which has to be kept in its own glass-fronted mini-freezer.

The exhibition runs until the 28th of February. Entrance is £2.50, (children £1), free to the unemployed and incontinent.

THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

Autographed Photo of Margaret Rutherford in full Miss Marple costume (incl hat). Collectors item in handsome gilt frame. £90. Phone 0372 49925. No time wasters, please.

Burco baby boiler. New element fitted, recently descaled. £10. Phone 0372 47144, after 6pm.

Ball of wool. White with Royal Blue flecks. Used once. £1. 0372 43981, Tuesdays only.

Captain Scarlet Annual, 1967. Some pages missing, hence low price of £650. Phone 0372 44731.

Carmen Heated Rollers in presentation case. Alopecia forces sale. £20. 0372 43372.

Complete Set of Marcel Marceau LPs, many rarities. Might consider selling separately. £150. Phone 0372 48611 and ask for Gloria.

Drinks Coasters. Set of six, hand painted with scenes of Dutch slaughterhouses. £25. 338 7138.

Leather codpiece, studded. XL size, worn once. Would suit water sports enthusiast or amateur pilot. Phone Trevor on 338 7122, after midnight.

Minced meat. Still in original butcher’s wrapping. Unwanted birthday gift. Offers? 0372 41539.

Miniature tea service. Mint condition. Would suit small child or circus performer. Price negotiable. Cherry’s China, Broad Street, Traubert’s Heath. Phone 338 7156.

Prison Suit. Grey. £5 for quick sale. Owner going abroad. If interested, place an ad in the window of Veejay’s News, Withering. I’ll contact you.

Rhinoceros Calf. Housetrained, vaccinated. Ideal children’s pet. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Free to good home. Call in at Raylings Farm, Swansdike.

Rubber Band for Daf 33 Variomatic. Unwanted gift, still in box. £20 ono. Phone Brian on 0372 47751, after 6pm or at weekends.

Subbuteo Table Football game. Players and ball missing, hence low price of £15. 338 7138.

Zardoz, the Director’s Cut. Limited edition Chinese DVD. Subtitles. £17.45 ono. 0372 44921.

FOSSIL REMAINS FOUND

There can have been only one topic of conversation in Froghill’s homes, pubs and workplaces this week. And there can have been only one question in everyone's minds: will the recently discovered 'Froghill Man' prove to be the elusive missing link between apes and humans?

The excitement started last Saturday, when members of an amateur archaeology team uncovered a little more than the arrowheads they had come looking for. The team, from Birmingham’s Aston University, was digging for Iron Age artifacts at the base of Traubert’s Hill, when one of their members came across what looked like a human tooth.

Said team leader Chas Dawson:

“Suddenly a shout went up, and we all ran over to see what had happened. Peter Teilhard, one of our group, had been working in a small copse about 50 yards from the rest of us. He had unearthed what was unquestionably a human tooth. So we all joined him and started digging in the same spot, thinking perhaps that we might have stumbled upon the burial place of a murder victim.”

What they found was to prove more sensational than any mere murder, however. For another half an hour’s digging brought to light the complete skull and jawbone of an early hominid.

“I’m no expert,” continued Dawson, “but, to my knowledge, our find represents a previously undocumented stage in human evolution. The skull looks remarkably similar to that of Homo Sapiens, but the jawbone more closely resembles that of a Borneo ape. There are groove marks on his teeth which are particularly intriguing, as if he were accustomed to chewing sharp stones or pieces of metal.”

The remains have been sent to the Geological Society of London for further examination. In the meantime, we wait, with bated breath, to learn whether the ancestors of modern man might have lived - and died - in Froghill.

CARELESS TREE SURGEON CRUSHES CAR

Local businessman George Chittling was lucky to escape with his life last Friday after a tree crushed the bonnet of his car. The tree, Froghill Common’s famous Lynching Elm, was in the process of receiving attention from ‘Barks, Shoots and Leaves’, a local tree surgery firm.

Said chief surgeon Colin Spence: “The Lynching Elm had been part of Froghill’s landscape since the 17th century. However, over the last few years, it had become severely diseased and represented a danger to the public. We were trying to save the tree by cutting away the damaged tissue from the trunk. Unfortunately, due to an oversight, we used the wrong gauge chainsaw and felled it instead.”

The tree fell on Mr Chittling’s car, crushing the whole of the front section and shattering the windscreen. Despite extensive damage to the vehicle, neither of the occupants was hurt.

Immediately after the accident, a distraught woman, her clothing in disarray, was seen to get out of the car and run across Froghill Common, shouting incomprehensibly and waving her arms.

Questioned by Froghill police, Mr Chittling claimed that the woman was a prospective client, to whom he had been showing his ball bearings. Claiming not to know her identity or which company she represented, he stated that they had only just parked the car at the time of the incident.

Commenting later to the Observer, he added: “I like to take clients to Froghill Common to do business. I find that the tranquil surroundings help me to relax when I'm getting my wares out.” Asked why his client had chosen to leave the vehicle and run shoeless across the Common, rather than waiting for the police to arrive, Mr Chittling declined to comment.

Mr Chittling, owner manager of Chittling’s Balls and Brackets, was named Froghill Businessman of the Year for 2002.

YOUR WEEK IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)
As the natural possessor of a big heart, an Aries is generous to those in need. However, sometimes this can work to your detriment. Try not to be swayed by sob stories this week. Avoid Big Issue salespersons and people selling clothes pegs door-to-door. If in doubt as to their intentions, phone the police and have them arrested for vagrancy.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
There are times when it’s best to sit back and be patient. And there are times when it’s best to be bold and just act. Now is one of the latter times. If there is a friend or relative, or maybe a colleague at work, who is being difficult or annoying, don’t just take a back seat. Punch them in the mouth and then walk away from it.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
It's always heartbreaking to watch those around you suffer. However, as a fiercely independent Gemini, there is a limit to what you can or are willing to do. It is better not to get involved, particularly around midweek. If someone close to you is suffering as a result of their actions, then tough luck. They should have thought about the consequences in the first place.

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)
A particularly busy spell recently has left you physically and emotionally drained. There comes a time when you quite simply have to refuse to commit yourself any further. Now is the time to seek some balance in your life. Try standing on one leg in a darkened room, with both arms held at right angles to your body. Your lucky colour is green.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)
As a passionate and fiery Leo, your natural tendency is to take the lead and seek the applause. However, this behaviour will not solve recent problems, nor will it endear you to those who have been making life difficult. You'll find that it pays to be patient, diplomatic and tactful. Try to avoid contact with firearms, particularly during the early part of the week.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
All your recent efforts are about to pay off, and you deserve to reap the dividends. Now is the time to start thinking about a holiday, particularly if you are someone who enjoys waiting at bus stops. Let others do the work for a change, while you go off and enjoy yourself. Let’s face it, they’re a workshy bunch of bastards, anyway.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libras are naturally diplomatic. Unfortunately, your innate sense of tact is unlikely to help you much this week, as your recent difficulties are caused by others rather than by yourself. There is little you can do to change things, so what can’t be cured will have to be endured. Expect to lose your job around midweek.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
As a Scorpio, you are named after a nasty black arachnid that nobody likes or trusts. Consequently, this week is likely to bring gratuitous insults and slights, with people being abusive and antagonistic for no reason. Hard though it may be, try to rise above it. Alternatively, try stinging them and then laugh as they die in agony.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Being a Sagittarius, you have a naturally ebullient character. This means that even when times are tough, you’ll always see the good side. This comes in handy as everyone around you seems to be accentuating the negative. Don’t let them bring you down to their level. Expect a new hairstyle to go horribly wrong on Wednesday.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
There are outstanding issues to be resolved and this must be done sooner rather than later. So grasp the nettle – throw up your job, sell your house, give away all your possessions and inform your family that you are off to join a cult. While this may well hurt them in the short term, they’re bound to resent you for it later on.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)
The influence of Mercury on Uranus may leave you with an unsightly and irritating rash this week. However, you should avoid the temptation to lash out at those who make fun of your disfigurement. They’re only doing it for a laugh and anyway, you’d do the same in their shoes. Your lucky number is 372.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)
You may think that a certain someone is avoiding you this week, and you’d be right. Why not face facts and realise that they’ve never liked you anyway? Try not to spend your evenings sitting outside their house in your car, watching as they come and go. This will do nothing to lift your spirits and could lead to your being charged with harassment.

IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY
Now is the time to sit back and reflect upon what you really want in life. Identify your goals and set yourself a realistic timeframe for achieving them. Then eliminate everything and everyone that stands in your way.

LOCAL GIRL WINS ART PRIZE

Sophie Manning (pictured above), could hardly believe her luck last week when she took first prize in the 7-12 years section of the Sow and Gate ‘Paint an Animal’ competition. Nine year old Sophie, who lives in Appleton Close, Froghill, was presented with a cheque for £50 by Dame Cicely Crabtree at a special awards ceremony in Central London. She also receives a year’s supply of Sow and Gate products for her painting ‘Randy Rhino’.

Said Dame Cicely: “ Sophie has beautifully captured the thrusting and vigorous nature of the rhinoceros. The painting is so lifelike, particularly the detailed work on the animal's horn. I feel I could almost reach out and touch it!”

Asked about the inspiration for her painting, Sophie replied that it was based on the popular American cartoon character of the same name.

GHOST APPEARS IN COURT

A ghostly defendant walked free from Froghill Magistrate’s Court last Monday, having been bound over to keep the peace. The ‘ghost’ was in fact none other than Emily Fanshawe, widow of wealthy industrialist Simon Fanshawe.

The court heard how, during the late autumn and early winter of last year, Ms Fanshawe had taken to donning a white nightdress and emerging before startled motorists on the Froghill to Withering road.

She was eventually arrested by Detective Sergeant Geoff Bunton, after Froghill police had received numerous reports of spooky sightings.

Said Sgt. Bunton, during his evidence to the court:

“I was proceeding down Withering Road at around 2am on the morning of November 16th, last. At precisely the spot where other drivers had reported sightings, an apparition appeared before my unmarked police car. It was wraith-like, dressed in white and waving its hands in a distracted fashion. Upon my hurriedly stopping the car, it turned and fled in the direction of Fanshawe House, to where I pursued it.

“Having gained admittance to the house, I came across Ms Fanshawe, sitting in an armchair in the library, breathing as if from some recent exertion. She was dressed in white, with her hair loosened and was wearing a child’s Hallowe’en mask. After cautioning her, I asked if she had any comment to make. She replied: ‘Whoooo!’ and then commenced giggling uncontrollably.”

In her defence, Ms Fanshawe, 92, claimed that, as at her advanced age death could not be far away, she had been “practising”. When asked by the prosecution what exactly she had been practising for, she replied: “just in case the afterlife turns out to be a bit overrated, and I choose not to go up there after all. Then I shall have learned the ropes, shan't I?”

As Froghill residents will no doubt remember, Ms Fanshawe is no stranger to the wrong side of law. In 1992, she was charged under the Marine Broadcasting Offences Act, after establishing a pirate radio station in the boathouse on Withering Pond. She told the court that she had been “protesting the lack of opera coverage by the BBC”.

On that occasion, she was given a three-month suspended sentence and fined £500.

TOWN COUNCIL TO BAN BUMS

If Froghill town council has its way, American rock band Bums and Noses will not be paying us a visit after all. The supergroup had planned to make a whistlestop visit to Froghill during the UK leg of their 2006 ‘We like to Booger’ world tour. However, opposition from the town’s council has ensured that their scheduled appearance is now unlikely to go ahead.

The band, who reformed last year, achieved global success in the 1980s with hits like ‘Paradise Ditty’ and ‘Sweet Child in Brine’. Froghill is of particular importance to them, as their frontman, X.L. Nose, can trace his ancestry back to this area. His great-grandfather emigrated from Froghill to the New World in the 19th century, seeking fame and fortune in the California Gold Rush.

Said Nose from his London hotel room during a phone interview with the Observer :

“We always love to play England. I feel I have a deep spiritual bond with Froghill and, like, with the whole country. It's all that history and stuff. And, y’know, I bought a castle in Scotland last year, so I really feel a kinda grassroots connection with the English people.”

Upon being informed of the cancelled Froghill concert, Bums and Noses’ guitarist, Slush, added:

“We ain’t gonna play Frogwell? That funny little place where X.L. says he's from? Hey, that’s too bad.........um...s’cuse me, uh, can I get a cigarette? Yeah, a cigarette. Like...uh...anything's fine, y'know...Hey, is there any room service in this crummy hotel or do I gotta do everything myself?”

Council opposition hinges on the fact that the Froghill Coronet, which was to have been the venue for the concert, has been declared structurally unsound by a local firm of surveyors. Yet, questioned by the Observer, Councillor Dennis Meddings hinted at deeper reasons for the ban:

“Froghill is a quiet town, home to law-abiding, decent people,” he said. “The kind of primal noise – I’d hardly call it music – that these pop groups make inflames the senses of the young and impressionable. We don’t want our streets overrun with long-haired delinquents, drinking in public and whistling at our womenfolk.”

When informed that the proposed concert was scheduled for one evening only, Councillor Meddings added: “It’s not just about this one evening, it’s about opening the floodgates to licentiousness. Before you know where you are, our streets will be full of young people openly indulging in lewd behaviour. Sexual activity of any kind is something which is frowned upon in Froghill.”

Asked if he’d ever had sex with himself or anyone else, Councillor Meddings replied that it was none of our business. He also claimed never to have heard Bums and Noses’ music, stating that his personal preferences ran to "the lighter works of Gilbert and Sullivan."

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

I live in Brookdene Road, Froghill, and am writing to express concern about a particularly loud and offensive noise I heard on two occasions last week.

The first occasion was on Tuesday, when I heard what can only be described as the sound of appalling flatulence. It was loud enough to rattle the windows of my house and caused the dog to start barking. My first thought was that Froghill was the target of a terrorist attack, and my wife and I hastily took refuge beneath the dining room table.

The second occurrence took place two days later. This time the sound was considerably louder and was accompanied by a particularly noxious smell. Not only was this smell grossly unpleasant, but I am concerned that it might represent a health hazard.

I wonder if these events are in any way related to the methane processing plant which has recently opened on Mungo Park Road.

What do other readers think?

Yours, concerned,

Derek N. DeDominoze

Froghill

The Editor replies:

Several readers who live in and around the Brookdene Road area have contacted the Observer reporting a similar experience. You can rest assured that we will be investigating in the very near future.

FESTIVE FISTICUFFS MAR OLD FOLKS' LUNCH

Christmas, as everyone knows, is the season of peace and goodwill. Or, at least, that’s how it should be. But for those invited to this year’s Old Folks’ Christmas Lunch, neither of those fine ideals was much in evidence.

The incident took place on Christmas Day, while turkey was being served to 40 senior citizens at Froghill’s British Legion Hall.

“I was just helping a gentleman to some breast,” said volunteer server Janice Birtles, “when I heard the sound of raised voices. I turned and saw one old man punch another on the nose. I was so surprised that I accidentally poured the contents of the gravy boat onto an old lady’s head.”

For Albert Digwell (83), and Ted Owen (79), it was a case of cherchez la femme.

“He insulted my sweetheart,” said Mr Digwell, a retired fireman and war veteran, who lives in the sheltered accommodation on Crumshall Lane. Mr Owen, it seems, had made a slighting remark about Minnie Bannister, a Froghill resident and long-time friend of Mr Digwell.

“He called her a bow-legged old slapper,” continued Mr Digwell. “I told him to take the remark back, but he wouldn’t. So I hit him. I was defending a lady’s honour!”

The disturbance didn’t stop there however, as Mr Owen struck back with his walking stick. As the two continued to trade blows, others seated nearby started joining in.

“It was amazing, and it all happened so fast,” said Ms Birtles. “One minute all the old folks were enjoying their lunch, the next minute everyone was shouting and punching each other.”

Ms Birtles, whose apron was torn in the fracas, rushed to the nearest phone and called the police.

As a result of the incident, Mr Owen was found to be suffering from slight concussion. He was taken to Froghill General and kept in overnight for observation. Mr Digwell, meanwhile, was taken to Swansdike Road police station for questioning. He was later released with a caution.

Reflecting on the events of the day, Mr Digwell admitted to an Observer reporter that he “may have had one or two whiskies” before setting off for the lunch.

CHRISTMAS TREE VANDALISED AGAIN

Vandals have targeted Froghill’s Christmas tree for the second time this month.

Last week, several light bulbs attached to the tree on Froghill Common were smashed in the early hours of the morning on Sunday, December 11. And now the attackers have struck again, this time stealing the fairy from the very top of the tree.

"It's a shame because a lot of people get a great deal of pleasure from the tree," said local housewife Eileen Dacross.

"It's surprising because this is usually such a quiet town,” she went on, “but there are young people who sometimes hang around and cause trouble in the evenings.

"It's absolutely appalling and certainly not in the Christmas spirit. I'm surprised that no one heard anything because the tree stands right outside The King's Arms."

"What would they want with a fairy anyway?”

But another local resident, who declined to be named, admitted that although she was distressed about the vandalism, she felt this year's fairy was "too tarty".

"The fairy was much worse than last year's," she said. "Her skirt was very short and you could easily see right up it. And she was wearing very brief red panties. That kind of thing can inflame young minds, you know."

"Sometimes I think people forget the true meaning of Christmas,” she added.

NEW BABY FORCES SALE

Good Home Wanted For Beloved K-Reg Daf 33 Variomatic

£££s spent, including new exhaust, new rocket launcher and new fluffy dice

Ideal project for enthusiast

£333 ovno

Phone Brian on 0372 47751, after 6pm or at weekends

The Froghill Amateur Dramatic Society

FADS

presents

THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE

at St. Mark's Church Hall, Froghill

at 8pm, on Fri Nov 24 and Sat Nov 25, 2005

Tickets: £5 (adv) and £6 (on the door). Contact Daphne Stephenson on 0372 44719 or Pam Blackwell on 0372 41623, after 6pm.

HIGH STREET MONKEY BUSINESS

Traffic in Froghill town centre was brought to a standstill last Thursday morning by a fugitive chimpanzee. Charlie the chimp had earlier slipped from his unlocked cage at Zeferelli’s Circus, which has been camped on Froghill Common since the beginning of the month. The rogue animal then made his way to the High Street and started attacking passing cars, alarming drivers and causing one minor collision.

“I was sitting in the car, waiting for my wife to return from the shops,” said local businessman George Chittling, “when suddenly there was a thump. I looked up to see a chimpanzee sitting on my car bonnet. On noticing me, he started masturbating. When I thumped on the glass to make him stop, he ejaculated over the windscreen before breaking off both my windscreen wipers and making off with them.”

Freedom for the renegade ape was short-lived, however. After attempting to steal from the display outside Croxall’s Farm Shop in Swansdike Road, Charlie was enticed into a large net by Mitch, his handler.

“I attracted him with a banana and a whistle that simulates the sound of a female chimpanzee on heat,” said Mitch.

“Charlie was sulky for the rest of the day,” Mitch added later. “He wouldn’t eat any supper and destroyed the miniature bicycle he rides for his performance in the ring. Luckily for us we always carry a spare!”

WEDDING BASH

The marriage of Mr David Primmet, 36, and Miss Caroline Avery, 29, took place last Saturday at St Mark’s, Froghill. The bride was given away by her father, Mr Ron Avery.

The couple met when Mr Primmet, a used cucumber salesman from Nunhead, South London, was entering a box junction in Coulsdon, Surrey. Miss Avery, a Coulsdon dental receptionist whose brakes had failed just seconds previously, collided with Mr Primmet’s yellow Vauxhall Astra. Neither party was hurt, but the incident marked the beginning of a relationship that would lead to wedding bells.

Said Mr Primmet: “I’ve heard of bumping into people, but this is ridiculous!”

The reception was held at Froghill Golf Club. The couple will honeymoon in Tenerife.