TOWN COUNCIL TO BAN BUMS

If Froghill town council has its way, American rock band Bums and Noses will not be paying us a visit after all. The supergroup had planned to make a whistlestop visit to Froghill during the UK leg of their 2006 ‘We like to Booger’ world tour. However, opposition from the town’s council has ensured that their scheduled appearance is now unlikely to go ahead.

The band, who reformed last year, achieved global success in the 1980s with hits like ‘Paradise Ditty’ and ‘Sweet Child in Brine’. Froghill is of particular importance to them, as their frontman, X.L. Nose, can trace his ancestry back to this area. His great-grandfather emigrated from Froghill to the New World in the 19th century, seeking fame and fortune in the California Gold Rush.

Said Nose from his London hotel room during a phone interview with the Observer :

“We always love to play England. I feel I have a deep spiritual bond with Froghill and, like, with the whole country. It's all that history and stuff. And, y’know, I bought a castle in Scotland last year, so I really feel a kinda grassroots connection with the English people.”

Upon being informed of the cancelled Froghill concert, Bums and Noses’ guitarist, Slush, added:

“We ain’t gonna play Frogwell? That funny little place where X.L. says he's from? Hey, that’s too bad.........um...s’cuse me, uh, can I get a cigarette? Yeah, a cigarette. Like...uh...anything's fine, y'know...Hey, is there any room service in this crummy hotel or do I gotta do everything myself?”

Council opposition hinges on the fact that the Froghill Coronet, which was to have been the venue for the concert, has been declared structurally unsound by a local firm of surveyors. Yet, questioned by the Observer, Councillor Dennis Meddings hinted at deeper reasons for the ban:

“Froghill is a quiet town, home to law-abiding, decent people,” he said. “The kind of primal noise – I’d hardly call it music – that these pop groups make inflames the senses of the young and impressionable. We don’t want our streets overrun with long-haired delinquents, drinking in public and whistling at our womenfolk.”

When informed that the proposed concert was scheduled for one evening only, Councillor Meddings added: “It’s not just about this one evening, it’s about opening the floodgates to licentiousness. Before you know where you are, our streets will be full of young people openly indulging in lewd behaviour. Sexual activity of any kind is something which is frowned upon in Froghill.”

Asked if he’d ever had sex with himself or anyone else, Councillor Meddings replied that it was none of our business. He also claimed never to have heard Bums and Noses’ music, stating that his personal preferences ran to "the lighter works of Gilbert and Sullivan."