YOUR WEEK IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)
As the natural possessor of a big heart, an Aries is generous to those in need. However, sometimes this can work to your detriment. Try not to be swayed by sob stories this week. Avoid Big Issue salespersons and people selling clothes pegs door-to-door. If in doubt as to their intentions, phone the police and have them arrested for vagrancy.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
There are times when it’s best to sit back and be patient. And there are times when it’s best to be bold and just act. Now is one of the latter times. If there is a friend or relative, or maybe a colleague at work, who is being difficult or annoying, don’t just take a back seat. Punch them in the mouth and then walk away from it.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
It's always heartbreaking to watch those around you suffer. However, as a fiercely independent Gemini, there is a limit to what you can or are willing to do. It is better not to get involved, particularly around midweek. If someone close to you is suffering as a result of their actions, then tough luck. They should have thought about the consequences in the first place.

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)
A particularly busy spell recently has left you physically and emotionally drained. There comes a time when you quite simply have to refuse to commit yourself any further. Now is the time to seek some balance in your life. Try standing on one leg in a darkened room, with both arms held at right angles to your body. Your lucky colour is green.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)
As a passionate and fiery Leo, your natural tendency is to take the lead and seek the applause. However, this behaviour will not solve recent problems, nor will it endear you to those who have been making life difficult. You'll find that it pays to be patient, diplomatic and tactful. Try to avoid contact with firearms, particularly during the early part of the week.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
All your recent efforts are about to pay off, and you deserve to reap the dividends. Now is the time to start thinking about a holiday, particularly if you are someone who enjoys waiting at bus stops. Let others do the work for a change, while you go off and enjoy yourself. Let’s face it, they’re a workshy bunch of bastards, anyway.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libras are naturally diplomatic. Unfortunately, your innate sense of tact is unlikely to help you much this week, as your recent difficulties are caused by others rather than by yourself. There is little you can do to change things, so what can’t be cured will have to be endured. Expect to lose your job around midweek.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
As a Scorpio, you are named after a nasty black arachnid that nobody likes or trusts. Consequently, this week is likely to bring gratuitous insults and slights, with people being abusive and antagonistic for no reason. Hard though it may be, try to rise above it. Alternatively, try stinging them and then laugh as they die in agony.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Being a Sagittarius, you have a naturally ebullient character. This means that even when times are tough, you’ll always see the good side. This comes in handy as everyone around you seems to be accentuating the negative. Don’t let them bring you down to their level. Expect a new hairstyle to go horribly wrong on Wednesday.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
There are outstanding issues to be resolved and this must be done sooner rather than later. So grasp the nettle – throw up your job, sell your house, give away all your possessions and inform your family that you are off to join a cult. While this may well hurt them in the short term, they’re bound to resent you for it later on.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)
The influence of Mercury on Uranus may leave you with an unsightly and irritating rash this week. However, you should avoid the temptation to lash out at those who make fun of your disfigurement. They’re only doing it for a laugh and anyway, you’d do the same in their shoes. Your lucky number is 372.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)
You may think that a certain someone is avoiding you this week, and you’d be right. Why not face facts and realise that they’ve never liked you anyway? Try not to spend your evenings sitting outside their house in your car, watching as they come and go. This will do nothing to lift your spirits and could lead to your being charged with harassment.

IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY
Now is the time to sit back and reflect upon what you really want in life. Identify your goals and set yourself a realistic timeframe for achieving them. Then eliminate everything and everyone that stands in your way.