THIEVES SNATCH CAR AND PET

A Froghill man is appealing for information after thieves stole his car and made off with it while he was shopping.

Robert Furness, who lives in Dogrose Lane, Froghill, came back from the supermarket on Monday (February 27) to discover that his beloved 1958 Hillman Minx had been stolen during his absence.

"I noticed a couple of young men hanging around the car park as I locked the car," said Mr Furness.

"When I got back both they and it were gone. The car means a great deal to me because I've had it for a long time.

"I just want it back as quickly as possible, preferably undamaged."

However, it is possible that this wish will be granted, as Mr Furness went on to explain:

“The loss of the car notwithstanding, I am also very anxious to secure the return of my pet Nile crocodile, who was lying on the back seat at the time.

"Nipper usually makes very little noise and can remain still for long periods. It is likely that the thieves failed to notice him in their haste to get away with the car.

"Whoever did this would be well advised to return him before he gets hungry," Mr Furness told the Observer.

“One thing I can assure these people is that Nipper is not too fussy about what he eats," he added, holding up his right hand to display the lack of two fingers and a thumb.

The police have issued a statement, asking for assistance from the public.

Anyone knowing the whereabouts of either the car or the animal, or anyone noticing a person or persons with what appear to be freshly amputated limbs, should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777.

DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE GIVES BOSS A HARD TIME

It was hardly the place in which pharmacist Perry MacDonald expected to find himself on a cold Saturday morning. For, rather than sharing the usual cup of tea with his wife at home in bed, the owner of MacDonald’s Pharm found himself covered in mud, naked and bleeding in a copse in Swansdike.

The trail of mayhem began last Friday afternoon, after an argument between Mr MacDonald and his assistant, Janice Birtles.

“It was over a mix-up in prescriptions,” said a rueful Ms Birtles.

“We were in a bit of a rush, and I had several orders to fill at once. Somehow, I managed to put a course of steroids into an old lady’s regular order for laxatives.

“When Mr MacDonald found out he was furious. He shouted at me and told me that I would never become a pharmacist, even if I lived to be a hundred.”

Ms Birtles’ revenge was simple but devastating. She took a packet of Viagra tablets from the shop’s storeroom and crumbled three of them into her boss’ afternoon tea.

“I gave him a couple of extra digestive biscuits so he wouldn’t notice that his tea tasted a bit unusual,” said Ms Birtles.

The next 15 hours turned out to be considerably more than a bit unusual for the unsuspecting Mr MacDonald.

Detective Sergeant Geoff Bunton, of the Froghill Constabulary, takes up the story: “At 4.15 last Friday afternoon, we began receiving reports of a man behaving strangely in Froghill town centre.

“A man answering Mr MacDonald’s description was spotted in a town centre newsagent, furtively selecting top-shelf magazines. He was opening them and then rubbing them along the entire length of his body. Customers, alarmed by his slavering and grunting, duly contacted the police.

“We immediately dispatched a patrol car to investigate. Owing to the suspect having fled by the time they arrived, our officers were, unfortunately, unable to apprehend him there and then.”

The next sighting of Mr MacDonald came at around 8 o’ clock that same evening, with reports of a semi-naked man attempting to mount the statue of Queen Victoria in Station Road.

Said DS Bunton: “Upon receiving calls from members of the public, we immediately dispatched a patrol car to the scene. Unfortunately, upon arrival, our officers discovered that the man in question had already made his getaway.

"One eyewitness described him as standing on the plinth, with his trousers around his ankles and a huge bulge in his underpants. He was hugging the statue from behind and making pelvic lunges. He was alleged to have been shouting ‘Come on, Vicky baby, tell me you’re not amused by this!’

“The man then jumped into a taxi and made off in the direction of Swansdike.

"This was just moments before my officers arrived.”

At around 9pm, Graham Collett thought he heard a disturbance among his sheep on Rayling’s Farm. Wishing to take no chances, he loaded his shotgun with lead pellets and went out to investigate.

“I could clearly hear an agitated bleating coming from the sheep pen,” recalled Farmer Collett. “I went into the pen and turned on the light. I could hardly believe my eyes. There, in among the ewes, was a naked man in a state of what I can only describe as extreme sexual excitement.

“I shouted at him to stop what he was doing. He took fright and turned to run so I let him have both barrels just to make sure he got the message. I think I caught him in the bum.

I went into the house and called the police, but the man was already long gone by the time the patrol car arrived.”

Nothing more happened until the next morning, when Mr MacDonald woke up in Swansdike Wood.

Mr MacDonald himself takes up the story: "I recall hearing a voice. It was a man’s voice, saying the same thing over and over again. It was saying: ‘Fetch, boy! Bring the stick! Bring the stick!’

“I became aware that I was lying naked in a wood with a dog’s teeth clamped around my erect member. The dog was growling in a horrible manner. I was terrified.”

Upon catching up with his animal, early morning dog walker Jim Figgis recognised the unfortunate Froghill pharmacist. He instantly took pity on the injured man and got his dog to let go its grip.

“I asked him what he thought he was up to and he said he didn’t know,” said Mr Figgis, “he seemed sort of discombobulated and he was very red in the face. He asked me if I would give him a lift to Froghill Police Station.

"Well, I felt sorry for the poor bugger, so I went and got the car and gave him our travel blanket to wrap himself in.

“I hope he washes it before he gives it back, what with all the blood and that.”

Mr MacDonald, tired, dirty, injured and cold, finally limped into Froghill Police station at 8.15. He confessed in full to the previous night’s events. However, the fact that his actions resulted from a wanton act of malice led to all charges against him being dropped.

The pharmacist was subsequently taken to Froghill General, where thirty eight lead pellets were removed from his buttocks.

Said Mr MacDonald of his ordeal: “I recall very little of it – most of it’s a blur, even now. All I know is that my nether regions are very sore and I have to sit on a rubber ring to watch TV!"

Upon Mr MacDonald's release, a squad car was dispatched to bring Ms Birtles into police custody for questioning.

She, too, was later released without charge, after being given a stiff caution.

PARALYTIC PUB BLOCKS RAIL LINE

Rail users faced commuting chaos yesterday (Tuesday) when a public house was found to be blocking the main trunk line to London.

Ten trains had to be cancelled while The Royal Oak was cleared from a stretch of track between Traubert’s Heath and Froghill.

Travellers faced further hold-ups throughout the morning while workmen continued to clear furniture, glass and sodden beer mats from the surrounding area.

A spokesman for operators Rail-U-Like said: "The Royal Oak normally stands next to the bridge spanning the Traubert’s Heath to Froghill line. However, it appears that, at some point during the small hours of Tuesday morning, the pub actually got drunk on sheer volume of alcohol contained within it.

"This caused it to lose grip on its foundations and slide down the embankment onto the line. It then turned over onto its side, spilling debris over the track.

"The intoxicated building lay there, singing and muttering incoherently, until it was discovered at 5.30 by a railway operative, who raised the alarm.

Fortunately, workers were able to remove it relatively quickly and restore it to its rightful place. They then doused the pub with water from a high pressure hose it an attempt to sober it up."

MOBILE HOLE CAUSES CONGESTION

Travel turmoil hit Froghill town centre last Friday morning after a hole mysteriously shifted its position overnight.

Workmen were shocked to find that the hole, dug for the purpose of repairing a gas main in Bostock Road, was not where they had left it on Thursday evening.

Instead, it was found to be causing an obstruction in the centre of Froghill High Street.

The discovery of its whereabouts came too late to recall the men however, as they had already downed tools and gone off for the day.

Leslie Jacobs, a shop owner who commutes to work in Froghill, said he was stuck in traffic for an hour at the junction between Withering Road and the High Street.

He said: "The traffic just wasn't moving at all – it was total gridlock."

A spokesman for the Highways Department commented: "I understand that when the men arrived at work they were unable to find the hole they’d dug the day before. They then used this as an excuse to take the day off.

“While I admit that moving holes are unusual, last week's occurrence is not, in fact, unprecedented. Moreover, the men should have known how to anchor the hole before they left it for the night.

“The procedures set out in the Department's safety booklet: Holes and how to secure them are routinely covered as part of basic training."

The itinerant hole was back in its original position on Friday afternoon, after police forcibly relocated it using a tarpaulin and a large crane.

FROGHILL MAN ‘A CHEAP PUBLICITY STUNT’

The fossil remains found at the base of Traubert’s Hill three weeks ago are “not those of the missing link”, according to a spokesman for the Geological Society of London.

The find, made by a group of students from Aston University, had given rise to hopes that ‘Froghill Man’ might have put us on the archaeological map. Instead, it turns out to be a poorly executed sham and those hopes are dashed.

Professor Hilary Molesworth told the Observer: “I can confirm that the Froghill find is not that of an authentic early hominid. Rather, I suspect that it represents a cheap publicity stunt on behalf of the students concerned.

“The jawbone is in fact that of an orangutan and is no more than 50 years old. The curious grooving on the teeth seems to have made by a metal file, no doubt performed in a crude attempt at dental ageing.

“Most disappointing of all, the skull turns out to be made of fibreglass. The pattern of wear to its base suggests that it has endured a lengthy career playing Yorick on the London stage.”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

Each weekday afternoon, students from Froghill College can be seen walking along Hollybush Lane smoking what I believe are referred to as ‘reefers’.

This not only leaves the pavements littered with discarded roaches, it also damages peoples’ gardens when stoned smokers pass out and fall face forward into their flower beds.

My husband Clive and I mentioned this matter to the college principal last term. She was very polite and assured us that she would address the situation. She informed us that henceforth students would be encouraged to get high on college premises rather than in public.

Further, she proposed that spaced-out students be required to walk home in single file along the white line in the centre of Hollybush Lane. By keeping them off the pavements, she promised, the wanton destruction of local flora would be avoided.

This did, indeed, take place until just before Christmas. This term, however, the problem is worse than ever, and we have to step carefully over supine bodies and shredded blooms every afternoon!

This needs to be stopped before it gets out of control.

It is my personal belief that young people should use drugs only under the strictest supervision, and under no circumstances should they do so outdoors. This is especially true in respect of the more potent hallucinogens.

I know that my letter is likely to give Froghill College a bad name. If so, then tough. Someone needed to grasp this nettle and say something.

I’m just sorry it had to be me.

Yours, concerned,

N.O. Ziparka (Mrs)

Froghill

The Editor replies:

Several readers who live in and around the Hollybush Lane area have contacted the Observer reporting a similar experience. You can rest assured that we will be investigating in the very near future.

LOCAL TV PRESENTER HONOURED

Innovative children’s TV programme Mr Wobbly’s Interesting Bits scooped a top award at BALLS 2006 last week, taking first prize in the ‘Best Use of Instructional Violence’ category.

Mr Wobbly's presenter, Barrie Nesbitt, accepted the award at the 'British Academy for Landmark Learning Shows' ceremony in London.

Mr Nesbitt, who lives with his family in Traubert’s Heath, has been presenter of the ground-breaking educational programme for the last three years.

Speaking after the ceremony, Mr Nesbitt said: "This is not just an award for our show. This is an award for children's TV in particular and British broadcasting in general."

He went on: "We wanted Mr Wobbly’s to update the tired old formula adhered to by more middle-of-the-road programmes like Blue Peter. I mean, I used to watch Blue Peter when I was a kid and it was bollocks even then."

Mr Wobbly's, which routinely features scenes of graphic violence and explicit sex, gets a weekly audience of over five million, which is unprecedented for a programme aimed at seven to ten year-olds.

When asked if winning such a prestigious award would change his life, Mr Nesbitt laughed and retorted: “Do I look stupid?”

He added that he was currently considering offers from several major American TV companies.

THE CLASSIFIEDS

PERSONALS

Batman seeks woman to hang out with. B. Wayne, Box 17.

Clumsy gymnast seeks teacher to correct her exercises. D. Tension, Box 51.

Elderly lady, fit but absent-minded, is looking for a young man to….erm….what was it, now? Something, anyway. Daisy, Box 110.

Heavy smoker (m) seeks similar for experiment with sausages and cheese. Phil Morris, Box 21.

Last jelly baby in the bag is waiting to be eaten. JB, Box 142.

Man with tawse seeks woman to drive home. Mr Whippy, Box 35.

Man with crabs WLTM woman with interest in crustaceans. Mr Nippy, Box 152.

Middle-aged man, GSOH, seeks woman for a laugh. Mr Dippy, Box 89.

Will you let me suck your lollipop? Mr Lippy, Box 113.

Woman, 28, sexy, chic, good looking, WLTM wealthy but indiscreet businessman for blackmail. Foxy, Box 62.

Woman with large chest seeks gentleman for support. C. Morgan, Box 47.

Youthful policeman WLTM uniformed female with a taste for truncheon meat. L.O.L.O., Box 126.

COUNCILLOR BURNS GENITALS FOR CHARITY

Councillor Dennis Meddings was admitted to Froghill General yesterday after suffering severe burns to his scrotum. His injuries were sustained during the weekend’s charity football match between teams from the Town Council and the Froghill Chamber of Commerce.

Speaking exclusively to the Observer, the Councillor’s wife, Shirley, said: “My husband has been hospitalised following injuries to his testicles and inner thighs. These resulted from contact with the caustic lime used to mark the football pitch.”

“The patient is as well as can be expected,” added Mrs Meddings, wryly. “As he is unable either to sit or lie down, he has been suspended from a tubular frame in the hospital burns unit.

"His doctors are advising rest and a complete lack of sexual stimulation.”

KEY TO A RIPE OLD AGE IS GRASS, ROOTS AND BERRIES

Froghill resident Daisy Cutter had something to celebrate last week when she marked her 110th birthday.

Surrounded by her friends, Daisy threw a special 'tea' party to mark the occasion.

Her daughter, 86 year-old Elsie, said: "She had a wonderful birthday. She and her friends smoked a spliff or two before cranking up her favourite Bob Marley record and then getting stuck into a slap-up birthday meal."

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Ms Cutter is just a few years younger than the oldest person in the world, who is 115.

Ms Cutter was born in Froghill in 1896 and after leaving school began a career as an airship mechanic. She was one of the maintenance team which worked on the R101 before it crashed in October 1930, killing all but six of its passengers.

After working at various aerodromes around the UK, Ms Cutter returned to Froghill in the late 1930's and has lived here ever since.

Elsie believes that her mother's diet and outlook on life are key factors in Daisy's reaching such an advanced age.

She said: "My mother has always eaten sensibly, getting up before dawn every morning to go foraging for roots and berries. She is also very laid-back and has been a habitual cannabis user since the early 1920’s.

"She maintains that smoking grass relaxes her and helps her overcome life's little ups and downs."

STREAKER DISRUPTS LOCAL DERBY

It had all the hallmarks of a classic tussle. Local champions Froghill Athletic, playing at home to their arch rivals Withering Wanderers. Hundreds of people, braving the cold on a raw Saturday afternoon, were there to cheer on their favourite sides.

It was midway through the second half, the score even at a nailbiting one-all.

Then, breaking free of a melée in midfield, Froghill centre forward Doug Prentiss powered towards the Wanderers’ goal. He aimed a deft last second flick to Peter Mellish, who took advantage of Withering’s poor marking and drove the ball home.

Hardly had the cheering subsided however, when some kind of disturbance seemed to be taking place among the crowd. Detaching itself from the visitors’ end, a male figure was seen to bound onto the pitch. A figure who, despite temperatures hovering around the zero mark, was wearing nothing except a Withering Wanderers bobble cap.

The figure, as it ran towards the centre of the pitch, was pursued by yet another, this time in the shape of PC Brian Shadwell. Closing in on his prey and attempting a rugby tackle, PC Shadwell unfortunately misjudged his distance and ended up face down in the mud. The crowd gave a resounding cheer, easily the loudest of the match, as his helmet rolled away across the pitch.

To the continuing amusement of the crowd, the naked figure then proceeded to dance jubilantly around the fallen PC, laughing and flicking V-signs.

The hero of the afternoon was to come from the Cemetery End. For it was here that local glazier Dave Gusset was parked, watching the match from the warmth of his car. Seeing the figure break free from the crowd and then blithely elude PC Shadwell, Dave realised that immediate action was called for.

“I just threw my cheese sandwich out of the window and ran pell-mell from the car,” explained Dave later. “Well, I mean, you read about this sort of thing in the papers, but you don’t expect it to happen here, do you?”

Barging his way through the crowd, Dave snatched a hat from the head of a female spectator as he ran. Bounding onto the pitch, he deftly tripped the streaker with his right foot, sending the naked figure sprawling in the mud.

At this point, a bedraggled PC Shadwell caught up with them and, pinning the streaker’s arm behind his back, hauled him into an upright position. A round of applause, mingled with some jeering, rose from the crowd as Dave clapped the lady’s hat over the streaker’s private parts.

The streaker, Froghill College philosophy student Mark Allinson, later told the Observer that he had “done it for a bet”, while admitting that he and his friends had been drinking in the Bull’s Head before the game.

Despite the disruption, Froghill went on to win the match, beating Withering 3 – 2 on penalties.