DISGRUNTLED EMPLOYEE GIVES BOSS A HARD TIME

It was hardly the place in which pharmacist Perry MacDonald expected to find himself on a cold Saturday morning. For, rather than sharing the usual cup of tea with his wife at home in bed, the owner of MacDonald’s Pharm found himself covered in mud, naked and bleeding in a copse in Swansdike.

The trail of mayhem began last Friday afternoon, after an argument between Mr MacDonald and his assistant, Janice Birtles.

“It was over a mix-up in prescriptions,” said a rueful Ms Birtles.

“We were in a bit of a rush, and I had several orders to fill at once. Somehow, I managed to put a course of steroids into an old lady’s regular order for laxatives.

“When Mr MacDonald found out he was furious. He shouted at me and told me that I would never become a pharmacist, even if I lived to be a hundred.”

Ms Birtles’ revenge was simple but devastating. She took a packet of Viagra tablets from the shop’s storeroom and crumbled three of them into her boss’ afternoon tea.

“I gave him a couple of extra digestive biscuits so he wouldn’t notice that his tea tasted a bit unusual,” said Ms Birtles.

The next 15 hours turned out to be considerably more than a bit unusual for the unsuspecting Mr MacDonald.

Detective Sergeant Geoff Bunton, of the Froghill Constabulary, takes up the story: “At 4.15 last Friday afternoon, we began receiving reports of a man behaving strangely in Froghill town centre.

“A man answering Mr MacDonald’s description was spotted in a town centre newsagent, furtively selecting top-shelf magazines. He was opening them and then rubbing them along the entire length of his body. Customers, alarmed by his slavering and grunting, duly contacted the police.

“We immediately dispatched a patrol car to investigate. Owing to the suspect having fled by the time they arrived, our officers were, unfortunately, unable to apprehend him there and then.”

The next sighting of Mr MacDonald came at around 8 o’ clock that same evening, with reports of a semi-naked man attempting to mount the statue of Queen Victoria in Station Road.

Said DS Bunton: “Upon receiving calls from members of the public, we immediately dispatched a patrol car to the scene. Unfortunately, upon arrival, our officers discovered that the man in question had already made his getaway.

"One eyewitness described him as standing on the plinth, with his trousers around his ankles and a huge bulge in his underpants. He was hugging the statue from behind and making pelvic lunges. He was alleged to have been shouting ‘Come on, Vicky baby, tell me you’re not amused by this!’

“The man then jumped into a taxi and made off in the direction of Swansdike.

"This was just moments before my officers arrived.”

At around 9pm, Graham Collett thought he heard a disturbance among his sheep on Rayling’s Farm. Wishing to take no chances, he loaded his shotgun with lead pellets and went out to investigate.

“I could clearly hear an agitated bleating coming from the sheep pen,” recalled Farmer Collett. “I went into the pen and turned on the light. I could hardly believe my eyes. There, in among the ewes, was a naked man in a state of what I can only describe as extreme sexual excitement.

“I shouted at him to stop what he was doing. He took fright and turned to run so I let him have both barrels just to make sure he got the message. I think I caught him in the bum.

I went into the house and called the police, but the man was already long gone by the time the patrol car arrived.”

Nothing more happened until the next morning, when Mr MacDonald woke up in Swansdike Wood.

Mr MacDonald himself takes up the story: "I recall hearing a voice. It was a man’s voice, saying the same thing over and over again. It was saying: ‘Fetch, boy! Bring the stick! Bring the stick!’

“I became aware that I was lying naked in a wood with a dog’s teeth clamped around my erect member. The dog was growling in a horrible manner. I was terrified.”

Upon catching up with his animal, early morning dog walker Jim Figgis recognised the unfortunate Froghill pharmacist. He instantly took pity on the injured man and got his dog to let go its grip.

“I asked him what he thought he was up to and he said he didn’t know,” said Mr Figgis, “he seemed sort of discombobulated and he was very red in the face. He asked me if I would give him a lift to Froghill Police Station.

"Well, I felt sorry for the poor bugger, so I went and got the car and gave him our travel blanket to wrap himself in.

“I hope he washes it before he gives it back, what with all the blood and that.”

Mr MacDonald, tired, dirty, injured and cold, finally limped into Froghill Police station at 8.15. He confessed in full to the previous night’s events. However, the fact that his actions resulted from a wanton act of malice led to all charges against him being dropped.

The pharmacist was subsequently taken to Froghill General, where thirty eight lead pellets were removed from his buttocks.

Said Mr MacDonald of his ordeal: “I recall very little of it – most of it’s a blur, even now. All I know is that my nether regions are very sore and I have to sit on a rubber ring to watch TV!"

Upon Mr MacDonald's release, a squad car was dispatched to bring Ms Birtles into police custody for questioning.

She, too, was later released without charge, after being given a stiff caution.