ECSTASY FOR HAYLEY AFTER FESTIVAL WIN

A Swansdike teenager won first prize on the final evening of the Froghill Arts and Music Festival last Saturday.

Hayley Grote pocketed the £500 winner’s cheque for a song about existential angst.

Eighteen-year-old Hayley, a trainee hygienist at the Teeth-U-Like dental practice, wowed the judges with her self-penned ballad (I'm Just) Like a Hamster in a Wheel.

Said chief judge Redfers Nuthatch: “Personally, I can’t stand rodents. Well, not unless they’re on skewers, anyway. But Hayley’s performance was so imbued with emotion that it quite won me over.”

When asked what she would spend the money on, a jubilant Hayley replied: “I'm not sure – it hasn’t really sunk in yet.

“But I think I might score myself some Ecstasy and then go clubbing in the West End.”

HAMMER OF THE YOBS

He comes to town with a 'zero tolerance' approach and unique ideas about implementing it.

Froghill Constbulary’s new chief inspector, Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman, has promised a long-overdue crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

He arrives to take command of a force which has a crime detection rate of only 2 per cent.

Said Inspector Hardman in an exclusive interview with the Observer :

“I intend to double our success rate within a year. The recent spate of vandalism and petty theft seen in Froghill is just part of an underlying trend towards social breakdown and lawlessness.

"This will not be allowed to continue.”

Froghill’s top policeman proposes to get particularly tough on petty crime.

“I don’t believe in cautions, fines or suspended sentences,” he continued. “Namby-pamby rot, the lot of it. Anyone convicted of a criminal act should be punished, and that punishment should act as a deterrent. These yobs must be made to understand that the law is not to be trifled with.”

Inspector Hardman is recommending that those found guilty of anti-social behaviour should have the words ‘Don’t come near me, I’m a toerag’ indelibly stamped upon their foreheads.

Acts of vandalism, he maintains, should be punished by having offenders wear a large letter ‘V’ on the front of their bodies.

The letter, made of cast iron, would be riveted onto the wearer’s chest.

Perhaps most controversial is the Inspector’s policy of ‘punitive parking’. He proposes that a convicted car thief be required to lie prostrate in a public place.

The stolen vehicle would then be parked on the culprit's head for a period specified by the court. This period would vary according to the body and make of the car.

Crimes involving foreign models and those with metallic finishes would carry longer penalties, Inspector Hardman said.

THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

Antique dog lead. Plaited leather with reinforced handle. £10. Phone Rex on 338 7388.

Boa Constrictor. Eats anything, good with children. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Free to good home. Call in at Raylings Farm, Swansdike.

Bonsai tree. 20 feet tall. Lack of space forces sale. £40. Phone Lofty on 338 7435.

Condom, passion fruit flavour. Hardly used. £1 ovno. P. Milligan, 255 6190.

Cranial saw. Recently sharpened, one careful owner. £25. Ed Cutter, 0372 48816.

Dental fillings. Complete set, many rarities. Might consider selling separately. Offers? Phone Jerry on 446 2577.

E-Z-Poo portable toilet. Refillable. £40. 0372 42273.

Miniature Hang Glider. Would suit hamster or small guinea pig. £15. 0372 48176.

Quick Lime, 50kg. Owner going abroad. £5. P.H. Crippen, 446 2791.

Ribbon, 8 inches long. Red with gold edging. £30. 446 2592.

Scalextric Le Mans racing set. Track and cars missing, hence low price of £50. D. Hill, 0372 41164.

Something for the weekend. TV guide for Saturday 15th June, 2002. As new. Offers? 446 2871.

Teach Yourself Amputation. Lavishly illustrated, wipe clean cover. £4.50. Miss N. Lim, 0372 47791.

Teaspoons, white plastic. Matching pair. £12. 255 6307.

Viagra, industrial strength. Job lot, £30. Phone 0372 41683, ask for Dick.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

I am writing to protest the lack of police response to the repeated incidents of vandalism and petty theft which has been plaguing Froghill.

Indeed, the publicity given to these recent bouts of antisocial behaviour seems only to have emboldened the culprits.

Last Sunday morning, my wife and I awoke to find that our own street had been targeted. Dustbins had been overturned, with rubbish strewn everywhere. Home accessories had been dislodged and thrown around willy-nilly. It was hardly possible to cross the road without tripping over a broken carriage lamp or a distressed garden gnome.

To add insult to injury, my two nearest neighbours had their knockers removed. How this was achieved without waking anyone, I cannot begin to imagine.

Worst of all, these yobs painted out the letters ‘D E N N’ from the middle of our street name, thereby rendering our addresses obscene.

Why should decent, law-abiding taxpayers have to suffer this kind of harassment? Why should we be reduced to writing to the local newspaper express our frustration?

I repeat: where are the police?

Yours exasperated,

Gordon Bennett

Pendennis Rise,

Froghill

The Editor replies:

Several readers have contacted the Observer reporting a similar experience. You can rest assured that we will be investigating in the very near future.

VILLAGERS PARTY AFTER FLYING SAUSAGE MISHAP

There was one big bang followed by lots of small bangers last Saturday, as Withering residents enjoyed a fireside feast. The tasty treat occurred as the result of an explosion at Bingley’s the Butchers in the High Street.

To proprietor Charles Bingley, the idea of promoting his new range of sausages had seemed like a good one. Hire a gas balloon with the shop’s name on it, inform everyone in advance and then float high above the village dispensing free samples from the air.

The sausage-shaped balloon, 30 feet high and inscribed with the words 'Everyone Knows That Bingley Puts The Meat In', took off from Withering Green at around 3pm. The intention was to make several circuits of the village before landing back at the Green some 90 minutes later.

Unfortunately, Mr Bingley's airborne publicity stunt did not go quite as planned. Pilot Chris Langdon takes up the story:

“I was unhappy about the flight from the off. The weather was blustery and we don’t usually like to fly when the wind gets above a mild breeze. However, Mr Bingley insisted that we go up, as he’d spent a lot of money on having the balloon done out.”

Everything started out smoothly enough, the giant sausage rising gracefully into the air above Withering. Mr Langdon made a slow circuit of the village while Mr Bingley waved to the crowds and threw sausages over the side.

But then a freak gust of wind caught the balloon, causing its pilot to lose control. The basket tipped violently, forcibly ejecting both occupants. As luck would have it, they were above Withering primary school and landed on a bouncy castle which had been erected in the playground. Both men were slightly hurt, Mr Langdon being mildly concussed, Mr Bingley receiving whiplash from a falling chipolata.

The balloon, now considerably lighter, veered back toward the centre of Withering, spilling its remaining cargo as it went. It lurched across the village, depositing a trail of sausages across streets, houses and gardens.

The meaty windfall caused havoc in Withering Kennels, as canine residents fought snarling over the unexpected bounty.

When the balloon approached the High Street, its upturned basket snagged on the top of the war memorial. The whole assembly then crashed earthwards, jettisoning the gas cylinder, which crashed through Bingley’s display window before exploding.

The shop roared into flame and curious people came thronging from the direction of the Green. A succulent smell of roasting meat pervaded the scene, with hungry villagers looking on as the fire took hold.

Appliances from the Froghill Fire Service were soon on the scene and made short work of dousing the flames.

Said firefighter Ted Denbigh: “The shop was completely gutted, but there were lots of sausages which were done to perfection. So we passed them out to the crowd. Then someone went off to The Roebuck and came back with a couple of barrels. All in all, it turned into a bit of a session.

“I felt rather sorry for old Bingley though. He arrived just in time to see the rafters of his shop collapse.

"Then someone handed him a pint of bitter and a burnt sausage.”

The Froghill Amateur Dramatic Society

FADS

presents

JURASSIC PARK

at St. Mark's Church Hall, Froghill

at 8pm, on Fri Mar 24 and Sat Mar 25, 2006

Tickets: £5 (adv) and £6 (on the door). Contact Daphne Stephenson on 0372 44719 or Pam Blackwell on 0372 41623, after 6pm.

SECRET LIFE OF A YOGURT THIEF

Watch out, there’s a thief about – and he's after your yogurt.

That was the message from Withering resident Graeme Fullerton last Monday morning, after six cartons of the stuff failed to materialise on his doorstep.

“I'd ordered two of strawberry, two of raspberry and two of kiwi fruit,” said Mr Fullerton.
“But when I went out to bring them in for breakfast, there was nothing on my front step but the milk.

“I phoned the dairy and they said that customers in the Withering area have reported almost 70 cartons missing over the last two weeks.

“I assumed that it was just kids, stealing things for a laugh.”

Yet it was a seemingly unrelated incident which was to expose the real reason for the sudden spate of thefts.

DS Geoff Bunton of the Froghill Constabulary takes up the story:

“We received a call last Monday evening from a resident in Saltmarsh Close, reporting sounds of distress emanating from a neighbour’s house.

"We immediately sent an officer to investigate.

“The officer, receiving no response despite repeated knocking, went around to the rear of the house. Seeing light streaming from the windows and the back door ajar, he duly entered the premises.

“There, on the kitchen floor, he found two people, both male. They were naked but for black latex jockstraps and Hello Kitty face masks. One was lying on his back, being fed passion fruit yogurt through one end of a rubber tube.

“The second man was spooning yogurt into a funnel at the other end and reiterating the words: ‘Eat up, you naughty little milkman, or Daddy will have to spank you.'

"The floor was littered with empty yogurt pots and discarded spoons."

Subsequent investigation revealed the milkman in question to be Pat Milligan, whose daily round takes in Withering and the surrounding area.

He has been charged with theft and causing a public nuisance.

The other man, whose name we withhold for legal reasons, is employed by a London escort agency of dubious repute.

Lionel Hampton, marketing controller at milk suppliers Pint-U-Like, told the Observer:

“While having no wish to interfere in the private lives of our employees, we must draw the line somewhere. Our name is synonymous with honesty and reliability and behaviour which tarnishes it will not be tolerated.

"This is not to mention the matter of stealing from both the company and our customers.

“Mr Milligan has been dismissed from our employ and another operative assigned to his duties.”

With a new milkman set to take over the round, and Mr Milligan safely in custody, Withering residents can once more look forward to their morning yogurt.

Mr Fullerton, on learning the reasons for his ruined breakfast, said: “So old Milligan got his kicks from passion fruit flavour, did he? Crafty old dog.

"I must remember to put a note out for the milkman.”

HOTEL WEEKENDS ARE THE CAT’S WHISKERS

A Froghill hotel plans to cash in on the The Pink Panther remake by offering themed weekend breaks based around the world’s most polished pussy.

Leo De Lyon, manager of the Catkins Lodge Hotel, said the weekends were the brainchild of his secretary Kitty, adding that, in his opinion, they were "the cat’s whiskers".

The centrepiece of the weekend will be Saturday's feline fancy dress evening, in which ladies will be expected to wear catsuits and gentlemen will be required to don tails.

After being given time to scratch the furniture, guests will then enjoy a sumptuous banquet of both wet and dry catfood, washed down with unlimited saucers of milk.

The evening will culminate in a spraying contest, offering participants the chance to win an all-expenses-paid holiday for two in the Catskills.

ANVIL STOLEN FROM SHOP WINDOW

A rare and valuable anvil has been stolen from an antique shop window.

The anvil was taken from Tat-U-Like in Upper High Street, Froghill, and staff at the shop are dumbfounded by its disappearance.

The shop’s owner, Arthur ‘Nobby’ Nobsworth said: "The anvil is the very one upon which Shrewsbury architect Thomas Farnolls Pritchard hammered the ceremonial first bolt of Shropshire's famous iron bridge. It had the initials ‘TFP’ and the date ‘Nov 1777’ etched into its horn.

"It is totally unique and is worth around £25,000."

The theft occurred around 7pm on Wednesday, March 8.

DS Geoff Bunton, of the Froghill Constabulary, said: "Despite the fact that the anvil is very heavy, it appears that the culprit escaped on foot, possibly carrying the item in a shopping bag. Somewhat carelessly, he ran through some wet cement at the south end of the Upper High Street.

"While there are several sets of footprints in the cement, one set is significantly deeper than any of the others. We are looking into these.

"We appeal to anyone who might have noticed a man running slowly and carrying a heavy shopping bag to come forward. Likewise any dry cleaners who have recently been handed a pair of cement-encrusted trousers.”

Anyone with information relating to this case should phone the police on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

SKIRTED SOLDIER GETS ON HIS TRIKE

A plucky local soldier is planning to pedal from Land's End to John O'Groats on a child’s tricycle. And, as if that isn’t enough, he intends to do so dressed in women’s clothes.

Corporal Kevin Baldock, 23, of The Willows, Swansdike, is a member of his regiment's cycling team and an enthusiastic weekend transvestite.

He will start out on March 20 and hopes to cover the 855-mile distance in under two weeks.

The cross-dressing corporal is aiming to raise money for the Army Recognition of Sexual Equality Society (ARSES), a charity which promotes transgender issues in the military. He is eager to raise as much as possible for this cause.

Cpl Baldock said: "People can send cash or cheques directly to the Society or contribute online. We are also asking for donations of silky lingerie, which will be auctioned at a later date.

"So far, we have a promise of sponsorship from the Lift-U-Like brassiere company. The tricycle will have brassieres hanging from its handlebars and will feature the company’s logo on its seat."

Any other companies wishing to offer their help can contact Cpl Baldock on 446 2820.

BROWNIES AND GUIDES PLAY WITH HAMSTERS

Brownies and Guides from the sixth Froghill unit enjoyed an evening of fun on Saturday in celebration of International Hamster Day.

The 25 girls took part in activities as varied as pin the tail on the hamster, hi-wire hamster balancing, hamster gliding and hamsterball in the event at St Winifred's School Hall.

Assistant guide leader Kylie Whitehead said: "It helped the girls learn about hamsters, their aerodynamic qualities and their pain thresholds.

"It was fantastic, it taught us a great deal about endurance and the will to live.”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

As an alternative to shooting the squirrels which cause so much destruction in our gardens, why not catch them alive? Simple but effective traps are readily and cheaply available from Cull-U-Like in Froghill High Street.

However, upon catching one of these pests, do not then release them straight back into the wild. This will only encourage the little blighters to proliferate.

Personally, I recommend plunging both trap and vermin into a large container of water. I then pop this onto the gas and bring the water to the boil. Don't forget to add a little caustic soda, as this will help with removing the pelt later on.

Half an hour’s vigorous boiling ensures that the animal can easily be stripped all in one go. (Keep the pelt, as it will turn the ordinary jockstrap into something really quite special.)

After rubbing the carcass with garlic and meat tenderiser, I transfer it to a cast iron frying pan and cook it on a high heat for around 10 minutes.

I find that seared squirrel goes perfectly with new potatoes and fresh green beans. Set the whole thing off with a sprig of rosemary and voilà.

Bon appetit!

Yours sincerely,

Maj. Redfers Nuthatch (ret'd)

Froghill

COUNCIL SAYS ‘NO’ TO HUGE ERECTION

Froghill Council have refused planning permission for the construction of a giant cucumber outside Croxall’s Farm Shop in Swansdike Road. Proposals for the creation, which was to have been green, 50 feet tall and inscribed with the words ‘I’m sticking up for Croxall’s!’ were unanimously rejected last Friday.

Upon hearing the news, shop owner Alan Croxall told the Observer: “This is nothing short of an attack on free enterpise.

“Since the Swansdike Road was widened last year, through traffic moves even faster than it did before. People just don’t see us as they go whizzing past. Our livelihood is beginning to suffer.

“We wanted to put up the cucumber as an eyecatching means of advertising the shop and improving our business.”

Councillor Dennis Meddings, who discharged himself from the burns unit of Froghill General in order to attend last Friday's vote, had the following to say:

“This is not just about one isolated case of advertising, it’s about opening the floodgates to licentiousness. Before you know where you are, our streets will be full erect phallic symbols, polluting the minds of innocent shoppers with lewd images and base desires.

“Do I need to reiterate that sexual activity of any kind is something which is frowned upon in Froghill?”

When we politely asked about the progress of his thighs and scrotum, Councillor Meddings replied that it was none of our business. He then turned and limped away.