SECRET LIFE OF A YOGURT THIEF

Watch out, there’s a thief about – and he's after your yogurt.

That was the message from Withering resident Graeme Fullerton last Monday morning, after six cartons of the stuff failed to materialise on his doorstep.

“I'd ordered two of strawberry, two of raspberry and two of kiwi fruit,” said Mr Fullerton.
“But when I went out to bring them in for breakfast, there was nothing on my front step but the milk.

“I phoned the dairy and they said that customers in the Withering area have reported almost 70 cartons missing over the last two weeks.

“I assumed that it was just kids, stealing things for a laugh.”

Yet it was a seemingly unrelated incident which was to expose the real reason for the sudden spate of thefts.

DS Geoff Bunton of the Froghill Constabulary takes up the story:

“We received a call last Monday evening from a resident in Saltmarsh Close, reporting sounds of distress emanating from a neighbour’s house.

"We immediately sent an officer to investigate.

“The officer, receiving no response despite repeated knocking, went around to the rear of the house. Seeing light streaming from the windows and the back door ajar, he duly entered the premises.

“There, on the kitchen floor, he found two people, both male. They were naked but for black latex jockstraps and Hello Kitty face masks. One was lying on his back, being fed passion fruit yogurt through one end of a rubber tube.

“The second man was spooning yogurt into a funnel at the other end and reiterating the words: ‘Eat up, you naughty little milkman, or Daddy will have to spank you.'

"The floor was littered with empty yogurt pots and discarded spoons."

Subsequent investigation revealed the milkman in question to be Pat Milligan, whose daily round takes in Withering and the surrounding area.

He has been charged with theft and causing a public nuisance.

The other man, whose name we withhold for legal reasons, is employed by a London escort agency of dubious repute.

Lionel Hampton, marketing controller at milk suppliers Pint-U-Like, told the Observer:

“While having no wish to interfere in the private lives of our employees, we must draw the line somewhere. Our name is synonymous with honesty and reliability and behaviour which tarnishes it will not be tolerated.

"This is not to mention the matter of stealing from both the company and our customers.

“Mr Milligan has been dismissed from our employ and another operative assigned to his duties.”

With a new milkman set to take over the round, and Mr Milligan safely in custody, Withering residents can once more look forward to their morning yogurt.

Mr Fullerton, on learning the reasons for his ruined breakfast, said: “So old Milligan got his kicks from passion fruit flavour, did he? Crafty old dog.

"I must remember to put a note out for the milkman.”