HAMMER OF THE YOBS
He comes to town with a 'zero tolerance' approach and unique ideas about implementing it.
Froghill Constbulary’s new chief inspector, Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman, has promised a long-overdue crackdown on anti-social behaviour.
He arrives to take command of a force which has a crime detection rate of only 2 per cent.
Said Inspector Hardman in an exclusive interview with the Observer :
“I intend to double our success rate within a year. The recent spate of vandalism and petty theft seen in Froghill is just part of an underlying trend towards social breakdown and lawlessness.
"This will not be allowed to continue.”
Froghill’s top policeman proposes to get particularly tough on petty crime.
“I don’t believe in cautions, fines or suspended sentences,” he continued. “Namby-pamby rot, the lot of it. Anyone convicted of a criminal act should be punished, and that punishment should act as a deterrent. These yobs must be made to understand that the law is not to be trifled with.”
Inspector Hardman is recommending that those found guilty of anti-social behaviour should have the words ‘Don’t come near me, I’m a toerag’ indelibly stamped upon their foreheads.
Acts of vandalism, he maintains, should be punished by having offenders wear a large letter ‘V’ on the front of their bodies.
The letter, made of cast iron, would be riveted onto the wearer’s chest.
Perhaps most controversial is the Inspector’s policy of ‘punitive parking’. He proposes that a convicted car thief be required to lie prostrate in a public place.
The stolen vehicle would then be parked on the culprit's head for a period specified by the court. This period would vary according to the body and make of the car.
Crimes involving foreign models and those with metallic finishes would carry longer penalties, Inspector Hardman said.
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