RESIDENTS ANGRY OVER THEFT OF POND

Withering residents have been left shocked and angry after thieves stole the centrepiece of their village.

Withering Pond, along with its 19th century boathouse, is thought to have been taken in the early hours of Saturday morning.

For local resident Roy Sellafield, the awful discovery came when several disoriented ducks waddled into his garden while he was having breakfast.

He said: "They were quacking piteously and obviously had no understanding of where their home had gone.

"My wife took pity on them and has temporarily housed the birds in our bath. She is feeding them mouth-to-mouth with maggots left over from my last fishing trip.

"It is sickening to think that there are people out there who will vandalise things purely as a prank," he added.

DS Geoff Bunton, who is investigating the case, commented: "What the thieves perhaps failed to appreciate is that besides being a landmark, the pond also served as a roundabout.

"Several cars have already driven down the hole resulting from its removal and one actually sank into the mud at the bottom and disappeared.”

Anyone with information on the pond’s whereabouts should contact Froghill Constabulary on 0732 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

CLOSE SHAVE FOR EASTER BUNNIES

The annual Froghill Rabbit Shaving Contest, held on Easter Monday, was a sure sign that spring has well and truly sprung.

Around 500 people turned out on Froghill Common to cheer on six sponsored strippers as they competed to see who would be first to bare their bunny.

The winner, 26-year-old Ainsley Rudge, sheared his animal in forty three seconds, a new competition record.

“It was a tight race," said Mr Rudge, "but, in the end, all those hours spent shaving in the shed paid off.”

For those spectators who found it thirsty work, there was beer and barbecued rabbit on sale at the Kings Arms.

A giant bouncy bunny provided fun and frolics for the kids in the pub's back garden.

Redfers Nuthatch, chairman of the Froghill Animal Research Trust (FART) said: "We raised an impressive £439.62 in contestant sponsorship.

"We’d like to thank everyone who made this such a memorable day.”

GOOD SAMARITAN IN SHOPPING PRECINCT BLOW OFF RESCUE

An elderly man today thanked the anonymous Good Samaritan who came to his aid after he broke wind in The Beeches last Friday.

Kenneth Bottomley was on his way to buy some tinned food for his cat Tinkerbelle when he was caught unawares by a massive and violent bout of flatulence.

The force of the emission was so great that it catapulted the 81-year-old head first into a brick wall, knocking him unconscious.

Mr Bottomley, of Sandhurst Road, Cheetingham, said: “I didn’t know what hit me. One minute I was walking towards Price-U-Like, the next minute I woke up on the floor.

“As I came to my senses, I was aware of feeling cold from the waist down. And then I realised that the force of the blast had completely ripped away my trousers and pants.

“But, to preserve my modesty, someone had wrapped my lower body in several pages from The Watchtower.

“Whoever my Good Samaritan was, he or she spared my blushes.

“And, for that, I thank them.”

Mr Bottomley was taken to Froghill General and kept in overnight for observation. Despite suffering a mild case of genital hypothermia, he was pronounced fit to go home on Saturday morning.

Said Mr Bottomley of his ordeal: “The enormous trouser burst must have been caused by the spinach and egg curry I’d had for lunch. Next time, I think I’ll put fewer chillies in.

"That way Tinkerbelle might get her dinner on time”

MAN DRESSES AS ELEPHANT AFTER SEEING FILM

A Withering student went to unusual lengths last week to protest man’s inhumanity to elephants.

For it was after seeing the documentary Jumbo Size Me that Kieran Blofeld decided to spend seven days as a pachyderm.

“It seemed the obvious thing to do,” said 21-year-old Kieran, who lives in Saltmarsh Close.

“I was particularly appalled at the practice of using elephants as paperweights.”

“It seems that, in certain countries, elephants are routinely employed to hold down piles of loose paper. They are forced to balance on table tops and remain completely still for long periods of time.

“After years of being treated like this, an elephant becomes institutionalised. Returned to the wild, it panics and runs around trying to find a desk to climb onto.

“Failure to do so causes the animal to become distraught and incapable of forming meaningful relationships with other elephants.

Eventually it dies a sad and lonely death.”

To make his point, Kieran kitted himself out in a grey latex body suit and a full-head mask, both of which he constructed at college.

He also hung a sign around his neck which read: ‘How would you like to have me on your desktop?’

“I hoped that this would do something to raise public awareness,” added Kieran.

Kieran was surprised to find that, in general, an elephant strolling around Froghill was greeted with little curiosity. Apart from giving him a second glance and reading his sign, most people would just pass by without comment.

“The only exception was one night in the pub, when a drunken man offered to punch me in the trunk,” said Kieran.

“He had to be pulled off by a friend and taken outside.

“It turned out that his wife had run off with an elephant trainer from Zeferelli’s Circus, so I guess I can understand his feelings.”

SOLDIERS’ ERECTION GRACES PLAYGROUND

Cheetingham CE Primary School has been given a unusual new addition thanks to soldiers from Froghill Barracks.

The squaddies, from 2nd Squadron, Royal Engineers, spent two weeks in the school playground building a ten-foot-high statue of a sightless man, complete with white stick.

Over the past three years, headteacher Arnold Plumm has built up a particularly good relationship with the soldiers, which led to their offer to do the job.

"We are extremely grateful for their kindness," he said.

"At first the lads were a little bemused when they learned of the subject matter for their work," he added.

“But when they learned that the statue’s purpose was to graphically depict the evils of masturbation, they were only too happy to lend a hand.”

ELTON BEN TO PLAY CORONET

Chart-topper Elton Ben is set to play Froghill.

The flamboyant pianist, whose album Don’t Cry Hornyback Toad sold more than 150 copies worldwide, is to do a one-off here next month.

The concert will be held at the Coronet as part of Elton’s Please Shoot Me, I’m Only The Piano Player tour. Tickets, priced £85 and £95, will go on sale at all branches of Veejay’s News from next Monday.

As the Coronet was declared structurally unsound at the end of last year, no audience members will actually be allowed into the venue while Elton is performing.

Ticket holders will however be allowed to stand near the back door, which will be left open for the duration of the concert.

Holders of the more expensive tickets will be provided with camping stools and complimentary ear trumpets.

SHOPKEEPER LOSES THREAD AFTER BAD ACID EXPERIENCE

A Froghill shopkeeper was discovered naked in the fuming debris of his shop after a tanker accident in the High Street last Friday lunchtime.

The tanker toppled through the display window of the Smoke-U-Like tobacconists when its driver misjudged the width of the road. The impact caused the lorry to spill its load of hydrochloric acid, inundating the shop.

The sound of the crash brought owner Leslie Jacobs rushing from the backroom, only to find himself splashed by the acid which had already begun to dissolve his stock.

By the time the Froghill Fire Service arrived some 20 minutes later, the shop and its contents had been totally consumed. Mr Jacobs was found standing, catatonic, in the ruins of what used to be his business.

When a firefighter took his arm to lead him to safety, Mr Jacobs’ acid-weakened clothes disintegrated, leaving him exposed to the elements and gibbering with shock.

He was taken to Froghill General where he remains under observation.

The accident caused delays for more than two hours while police arranged for traffic to be diverted away from the town centre.

This is not the first time that a potentially fatal accident has taken place on this stretch of road.

In February of last year, a nearby sandwich shop was filled with butterflies after a van en route to Kew Gardens mounted the pavement and crashed through its doorway.

HAMLET'S DEATH GETS OWN WEBPAGE

Hamlet, a Dominant Spot Chinese hamster, was just like part of the family for his owners Terry and Julie Davies of Traubert’s Heath.

So when Hamlet died from a drugs overdose last month at the age of one and a quarter, Julie decided to create a web page to tell his story and help others with drug addicted rodents.

She said: “We saw the first signs of his addiction a day or two after we’d bought him. We noticed that he'd eat only ice cream and would frequently go into cold sweats and start squeaking piteously.

“Very concerned, we returned to Polly’s Pets where we’d got him.

"Imagine the shock when we learned that the precious new addition to our family was, in fact, a heroin addict!

“Apparently it’s not unusual for this particular breed to become dependent upon opiates, though we didn't know that at the time.

“We took him to a vet who put him onto a controlled course of methadone. This helped a bit, but he was still very temperamental and would spend long periods during which he would withdraw into his nestbox and refuse to come out.”

With Hamlet’s addiction taking hold, life for the Davies’ got steadily worse. As his demands became greater, Terry, a scaffolder’s mate, would have to make ever more regular trips to London to score the drugs his pet craved.

“It was a difficult time for us,” recalled Terry, “I had to take more and more days off work and was spending more and more of my wages on this filthy stuff.

“We used to mix it with warm milk and feed it to him with an eye dropper.”

Eventually things became so bad that Julie was having to hand-turn his wheel as Hamlet was too weak to do it himself.

She said: “It is a terrible thing to see a beloved pet go through the agonies of drug addiction. Hamlet's life was a living hell, he just a shell of a hamster.

“My hope now is that our website will be of comfort to other owners who, like us, find themselves in this heartbreaking situation.

"That way, our pet's death will not have been in vain."

OH DEAR, WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?
WOMAN, 92, TRAPPED IN TOILET FOR THREE HOURS

An elderly woman trapped in an automatic toilet could have been there all night had it not been for the actions of a high-kicking youngster.

Emily Fanshawe, 92, of Fanshawe House, Withering, became stuck in the toilet in The Beeches shopping precinct after the electric door malfunctioned.

"She was quite lucky to be found as that area is usually deserted after the shops close," said firefighter Ted Denbigh.

The alarm was raised at 8pm last Thursday, when the passing boy heard voices coming from inside the toilet cabin.

"I heard the voices as I was coming back from my karate class," said nine-year-old Keanu Johns, “so I pressed my ear to the outside wall of the cubicle.

“I heard a girl's voice say: “Oh help! What are you going to do to me?’ and then a much deeper voice answered: ‘I’m going to eat you all up!’

I was a bit frightened but I knocked on the door to ask if everything was alright.”

When it became clear to Keanu that a person or persons were stuck inside, he took the initiative.

“We’d learned about kicks only that evening in class,” said Keanu, “so I kicked the door as hard as I could.”

While this did not permit the door to open, it did buckle it sufficiently to allow him to see in.

“I saw Miss Emily sitting on the loo with her false teeth in one hand and a red handkerchief in the other,” said Keanu, who immediately dialed 999 on his mobile.

An appliance from the Froghill Fire Service was on hand in a matter of minutes.

"We treated her to a ride in the fire engine and arranged for an ambulance to rendezvous with us at her home,” said Firefighter Denbigh.

"They checked her over and said she was none the worse for her ordeal.”

When later asked why Keanu had heard two different voices, Ms Fanshawe told the Observer that she had been using her hanky and false teeth to dramatically enact the story of Little Red Riding Hood.

“It’s been a particular favourite of mine since I was a child,” added Ms Fanshawe, “and it helped to pass the time.

"Why, what do you do on the toilet?"

FLOWER SHOW SET TO BE BLOOMING MARVELLOUS

The Froghill Horticultural Society will be holding its annual spring show on Saturday, April 15.

The event starts at 9am and is being held for the first time at the Blooms-U-Like nurseries in Hollybush Lane.

Besides the usual displays of seasonal flowers, whistling fungi and carnivorous shrubs, there will also be classes in extreme mulching, potting shed etiquette and bulb tweaking.

The highlight of the day will be an illustrated talk – Opium growing, the law and you - by green-fingered legal expert Poppy Farmer. This will be followed by the prize-giving and viewing of displays.

The show is free and open to the public.

For more information contact Marianne Plowright on 0372 47912.

MUSICAL TRIBUTE TO FREDDIE STARR

Pupils from St Winifred’s School paid a musical tribute to comedian Freddie Starr last Saturday with a special performance at St Mark’s Church Hall.

25 pupils from the school gained a standing ovation for their part in the homegrown production Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster. The musical forms one part of an ongoing project devoted to celebrating the giants of British comedy.

The pupils acted, sang and danced in the show about the life and work of the veteran Liverpudlian entertainer.

Rebecca Brampton-Ffitch, the school's creative director and author of the play, said: "I was very pleased indeed. The children really did breathe life into their subject.

"One might even say they had Starr quality!”

When asked which part of the performance he'd liked best, 8-year-old St Winifred’s pupil Sebastian Mowatt replied: “The bit where he dressed up as Hitler.”

FAMOUS HAIR AUCTIONED

One of the most iconic images in the history of cinema was auctioned at Sotheby’s last Friday.

The Mohican hairpiece worn by Robert DeNiro in Martin Scorsese’s classic alienation film Taxi Driver fetched over £50,000 and was sold to an anonymous Japanese bidder.

The original hair for the wig was shaved from the head of then Froghill College student Graham 'Goldie' Lox.

“I was one of the first people in the world to have a Mohican,” Mr Lox told the Observer.

“I actually suffer from an rare form of alopecia in which the hair on either side of my head drops out while growth in the middle remains strong and vigorous.”

Mr Lox, now 48 and still a Froghill resident, was contacted by Martin Scorsese late in 1975. The New York director offered him $10,000 to shave off what remained of his hair.

This went on to form the striking toupé worn by DeNiro for the film.

“The strip of hair had to be kept intact,” recalled Mr Lox, “so my head was shaved with a sharpened paint scraper, from front to back in one go.

"It hurt a bit, I can tell you!”

The resulting pelt was then oiled and placed in a refrigerated container before being rushed to Heathrow to catch a Concorde flight across the Atlantic.

It was to become one of the most famous hairstyles ever to have appeared on the big screen.

The hairpiece was returned to Mr Lox at the end of filming in 1976, along with an autographed photograph of DeNiro wearing it.

Mr Lox, completely bald these days following an accident with a rotary lawnmower, is a devout churchgoer. He plans to donate the money from the sale to the Save St Mark’s Steeple Fund.

THE CLASSIFIEDS

PERSONALS

Alligator wrestler seeks snappy response. Anne Fibbean, Box 138.

Fast bowler requires thigh on which to rub his balls. A. Googly, Box 223 for 6.

Female contortionist wants man for flexible arrangement. Bendy Wendy, Box 106.

Has-been entertainer seeks glossy woman with limited intellect for ego massage and wig maintenance. B Forsyth, Box 6.30, Saturday night.

I’m a health food freak. Are you a vegetable? J. Carrott, Box 441.

Kleptomaniac seeks like-minded person to have it away with. I. L. Nikkit, Box (deleted).

Little fireman needs back entrance to rush into. R. Delmitt, Box 999.

Middle-aged fellatio devotee WLTM complete sucker. Dick, Box 121.

Roller disco fan, badly disoriented, seeks F to check his bearings. Mr Clubber, Box 44.

Sound engineer seeks similar for mixing socially. Mr Dubber, Booth 1.

Tearful whaler WLTM woman who understands what he’s spouting on about. Mr Blubber, Box 174.

Twenty something male, into onanism, seeks woman to take him in hand. Mr Rubber, Box 20 (ish).

REVENGE PRANK ENDS IN MASSAGE PARLOUR MAYHEM

Police were called to a Froghill massage parlour last Friday afternoon after reports of a disturbance in one of its customer cubicles. The fracas turned out to be the culmination in a series of events which started at a local ball bearing manufacturer.

The last job before lunch for the owner manager of Chittling’s Balls and Brackets was to meet with one of his staff. The agenda concerned a spate of petty thefts in the company warehouse.

According those within earshot, the meeting between Mr Chittling and forklift driver Doug Prentiss was marked by acrimony and raised voices.

The two men parted in anger – Mr Chitling to his usual Friday afternoon massage, Mr Prentiss to the warehouse to plot his revenge.

Some 30 minutes after his boss had left in a taxi, Mr Prentiss was seen to emerge on his forklift and make for the executive car park.

Edna Currie, a canteen worker at Chittling’s, witnessed what happened next:

“I was just sitting down to have a cup of tea before the lunchtime rush,” said Ms Currie, ”when I saw this car go past the window.

“And I thought, well, that was a bit funny, you know, because we’re on the first floor of the building.”

The car, Mr Chittling’s recently-purchased Audi A6, was actually being carried on the tines of Mr Prentiss’ forklift. As Ms Currie watched, both vehicles exited the car park, turned right into Lezby Avenue and then left into Morecambe Way.

Here the car was deposited by the side of the road, and the forklift returned the way it had come.

“I thought it’d pull old Chittling up sharp,” said Mr Prentiss later. “He usually comes back a bit the worse for wear on a Friday afternoon and it seemed like the perfect time to get my own back on him. So I hid his car.”

And there it all might have ended, but for one simple oversight. Being unfamiliar with his new vehicle, Mr Chittling had neglected to fully apply the handbrake when parking it that morning.

The brand-new Audi began to roll backwards down Morecambe Way almost as soon as Mr Prentiss had turned his forklift around.

Unusually for that part of Froghill, Morecambe Way has no speed humps and the vehicle was soon travelling at some speed. Though it sideswiped several parked cars on its journey down Morecambe Way, this did nothing to slow it down.

A number of cars skidded, and two collided, as the £25,000 luxury saloon careened rear end first across the busy junction with Station Road.

No-one was hurt, but a full dog waste bin was knocked flying into the Scent-U-Like perfumerie, where it burst upon contact with the counter.

The now badly-dented Audi continued on its course down Station Road, at one point mounting the pavement and causing shoppers to scatter in alarm. A small terrier, tied to a lampost outside The Railwayman's Arms, had its lead snared and was dragged yelping after the runaway vehicle.

The car finally came to rest when it crashed through the window of Polly’s Pets in Station Precinct.

“Luckily, none of the animals was hurt or killed,” said owner Polly Fonnick, “though some of the marmosets were badly traumatised. It was only after we’d started clearing up that I realised Harold was missing.”

Harold, a six-foot-long Burmese python, was making the most of his unexpected freedom and had slithered into the Rub It Better massage parlour. His progress through the reception area going unnoticed, the adventurous reptile soon ended up in one of the customer massage rooms.

“I was absolutely petrified,” said masseuse Dolores Pringle, “one minute I’m giving Mr Chittling his usual full body with extras, the next minute there’s a bloody great snake in the room.”

Fearing for her life, Ms Pringle tiptoed gingerly out to reception, too frightened even to speak.

“I felt this slow, sensuous movement along the backs of my thighs,” Mr Chittling told the Observer in an exclusive bedside interview, “and the towel covering my buttocks was pushed aside in a particularly provocative manner.

“I remember thinking that Dolores was being unusually conscientious and that I should be generous with the tip.

"But then it felt like she was putting too much of her weight on my back. I was just about to complain when I experienced a dry, tickling sensation in my right ear.

“I asked Dolores what she was doing, thinking perhaps that she might be trying out some new massage technique. On not receiving an answer, I opened my eyes and looked round.

“It was then that I came face to face with a snake, which had its head beside mine on the pillow and was flicking its tongue at me.

“I jumped off the couch and started yelling for help.”

Luckily for the naked and endangered Mr Chittling, the tongue-tied Dolores had managed to find her voice and summon assistance.

In a matter of minutes, the Reptile Rapid Response Team of the Froghill Constabulary had arrived on the scene.

“And not a moment too soon,” said chief handler Sergeant Andy King, “as we entered the cubicle, the snake was twisted around the full length of Mr Chittling's body and was beginning to apply pressure.

"Nobody could last long in that situation.

"The snake would have finished him off and then settled down to devour him. Pythons ingest their prey whole, you know.”

Harold was swiftly rendered unconscious with chloroform and then placed in a tarpaulin before being taken to a local veterinary clinic.

Mr Prentiss was detained overnight by police for questioning but was later released with a caution.

Ms Fonnick is said to be seeking damages for her shop window and several glass tanks which were shattered by the impact of Mr Chittling's car.

Meanwhile, at the time of going to press, Mr Chittling remains in Froghill General, where he is receiving treatment for shock and extensive bruising to his ribs.

SPIRIT LEVEL FOUND AT CARPENTER’S SHOP

When he bought the workshop eight months ago, carpenter Mick Walmsley expected to be making tables rather than tapping them. Yet that was exactly what 34-year-old Mick found himself doing one evening last week.

The workshop, in Cheetingham Road, Traubert’s Heath, had been unoccupied for a long period before Mick opened ‘Hearts of Oak’ in August last year. Said Mick:

“I was fed up with working for other people and had decided to be my own boss. I chose the workshop in Traubert’s Heath because the price was right and my family originally came from this area before they moved to London.”

And there the story might have ended, had it not been for a series of uncanny events that began soon after he set up shop.

“It was about six weeks after I’d opened,” remembered Mick, “I came in one morning to find that the place had been tidied up. All the tools I’d left out the night before had been put away and the floor had been swept clean. I just assumed it was my apprentice Aidan and thought nothing more of it.”

Things remained uneventful for another couple of weeks. Then Mick arrived at the workshop one morning to be confronted by something that really set him thinking.

“I’d been making a pair of bedside cabinets for a customer in Swansdike,” he explained, “and I was a bit behind with the job.

"Well, I came in this particular morning, and they were finished. Completely. Everything was done – even the varnish was dry, which would have been impossible in the space of just one night.

“I questioned Aidan about it when he came in, but he was just as surprised as I was. Realising that something was up, I began asking around.”

Mick’s enquiries soon turned up some chilling information.

The workshop, it transpired, had previously stood untenanted for over a quarter of a century. Local belief held that it was haunted and people gave the place a wide berth. The previous owner, Bill Sampson, had closed the shop suddenly and disappeared without explanation.

It was rumoured that he’d had drink problems and had spent time in The Firs, receiving treatment for a mental condition.

Before that, the workshop had belonged to Bill's father Tommy, who'd joined up and then been killed in the early days of World War 2.

Despite learning this macabre news, Mick continued going to work, and the eerie events continued to happen.

“Nothing regular,” said Mick, “just random stuff. Sometimes I’d arrive at work to find all the lights on. Sometimes it would seem very cold in the workshop, no matter how high I had the heating up. Sometimes things would go missing and then turn up in odd places.

"I tried to ignore it and just get on with my work.”

What finally spurred Mick to action was an incident which took place at the beginning of last week.

“I came in to find a scale model of an aircraft, made out of balsa, standing on my workbench. It was a real craftsman's job, perfect in every detail, and standing in a space that had been specially cleared for it. It was obviously intended as a message for me.

“So I got on the internet to check it out.”

The plane turned out to be a Ju-88, a fighter bomber used by the Luftwaffe at the beginning of the Second World War. Remembering what the stories had said about the death of the workshop’s original owner, Mick decided that it was time to get help.

So he went to local vicar Roger Smethurst for advice.

“This kind of thing is not really in my line,” commented Rev. Smethurst, “but I knew of someone who might have been able to help.”

So it was that last Thursday, Mick found himself seated in his own workshop, staring at a candle flame and holding hands with local medium Tamara Gravell.

“I didn’t know what to expect,” said Mick, “holding hands with a woman I'd never even met before. I remember thinking: ‘I hope the wife doesn’t find out!’ - I felt rather foolish, really.

“And I was also a bit frightened, if truth be told.

“Then the atmosphere changed and it went very cold. Tamara's eyes closed and she sank into a deep trance. Suddenly, she opened her mouth and a man’s voice came out. It seemed to come from a long way away and it echoed all around the shop. I was terrified.

“The voice said that it belonged to Tommy Sampson and that I wasn’t to worry. Through Tamara, I asked him if he was behind all the strange events that had been happening.

“He said yes, so I asked him why.

“The answer came that he was glad to know that someone had opened the shop again. I asked if he was happy that it was me and he said yes, but he wanted me to know that he was always there and felt it was still his shop.

“He went on to tell me how he’d been killed on HMS Gurkha in April 1940, when she was bombed and then sunk by Junkers Ju-88s off the coast of Norway.

“He’d come back years after to check on the shop, but his attempts to make contact with his son had proved unsuccessful. He’d proceeded like he had with me, clearing things up and finishing jobs, but Bill had taken fright and started to neglect his work.

"Then the drinking had started and the business had gone downhill from there.

“Before leaving, Tommy said he had one request to make of me. He said he didn’t like the name ‘Hearts of Oak’ and asked if I would change it back to ‘Sampson’s’.

“So I said yes, no problem, and had the signwriters in the very next day.

"When I came into work on Saturday morning, I found a beautifully engraved mahogany plaque fixed over the counter.

“It said: Thank You.”