DEAR AMY
Something worrying you? Need to tell someone? Then why not write to Amy for advice?
THE UNACCEPTABLE SMELL OF SHYNESS
I'm a very shy person and whenever I get nervous in social situations, I feel an overwhelming need to break wind. I can't seem to control it and it really is no laughing matter. I know I've lost job opportunities over it - I always end up producing the most foul smells at interviews. It's the same when I meet new people. I literally am a party pooper.
I went to my GP and he inserted a rubber bung into my anus. However, during my last interview, when asked a particularly tough question, I blew it out and shattered a window behind me.
What can I do? I’m desperate.
Bernard,
Traubert’s Heath
Amy writes: Nervous anxiety - which is what you are experiencing, Bernard - is one of the most common manifestations of stress. The insertion of bungs, corks or plugs is not the answer, nor is having your rear end hermetically sealed. This will simply mask the symptoms and fail to address the root cause of your problem.
First, you need to deal with the smell you create when you’re nervous. Why not buy some odour-neutralising insoles and eat them? If they work for feet, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t work for your insides too!
Also you should get yourself a penny whistle and learn to manipulate it with your anal muscles. That way, when you have an attack of the nerves, instead of making a rude noise, you can play a jaunty tune - Don’t Worry, Be Happy might be a suitable choice.
Should anyone ask where the music is coming from, then just go right ahead and explain that it's a nervous reaction. Honesty really is the best policy and everyone enjoys a cheerful tune, after all.
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