THE CLASSIFIEDS

PERSONALS

Balloon enthusiast seeks breathy female to give him a blow and then tie the knot. Airey, Box 69.

Cowboy says: "I'm itchin' fer a purdy l'il cowgirl so I can git me a bit of the udder". Lonesome Tex, Box 681.

Horologist with dodgy ticker requires the services of a devoted clockwatcher. Lord Cutglass, Box 12.30

Human dynamo seeks female who does not shock easily. Sparky, Box 67.

Man, 41, addicted to oranges, seeks appealing woman to take the pith. M. Jaffa, Box 552.

Narcissistic woman, 21, WLTM reflective man to mirror her interests. I. M. D. Best, Box 1.

Rabbit fancier, m, seeks f with big ears, prominent teeth and sweet nature to be his honey bunny. Warren, Box 29.

Seeking a woman with many a mickle to complete me. Mr Muckles, Box 78.

Shoe fetishist would like to step out with well-heeled woman. Mr Buckles, Box 214.

Violent bastard needs to someone to give a good slapping to. Mr Knuckles, Box 59.

Woman with stripey top WLTM man with spotty bottom. D Perkins, Box 63.

Woman with mussels seeks man with big winkle. Shelley, Box 44.

JAMIE GETS HIS TEETH INTO COLLECTING FOR CHARITY

Little Jamie Spooner has proved himself the master of the molars after spending a whole term collecting 350 sets of false teeth for his school charity.

The six-year-old brought his haul into Cheetingham CE Primary School as part of their efforts towards this year's DentAid campaign .

Jamie’s superb collecting effort ensured that the school easily surpassed its target of 500 sets, all of which will be sandblasted and then donated to toothless people in the developing world.

Jamie's dad, William, a pheasant plucker at Rayling’s Farm, Swansdike, said: "He went all over the village on his bike, asking the old folks for their unwanted dentures. But he didn’t stop there - blow me if he didn't go and ask the residents of the sheltered accommodation on Crumshall Lane as well!

"I'm very proud of Jamie," William added. "He certainly hasn't tasted this worm!"

The Froghill Amateur Dramatic Society

FADS

presents

DEEP THROAT

at St. Mark's Church Hall, Froghill

at 8pm, on Fri Jun 30 and Sat Jul 1, 2006

Tickets: £5 (adv) and £6 (on the door). Contact Daphne Stephenson on 0372 44719 or Pam Blackwell on 0372 41623, after 6pm.

WHEN TWIDDLING YOUR THUMBS CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE

We’ve all suffered from restless thumbs from time to time, but for some, this constant and uncontrollable motion can have a devastating effect on their lives.

Tannenberg’s Irritable Thumb Syndrome (TITS) first hit the headlines in the 1980s. It seemed only to affect professional people and was generally dismissed as an excuse for jaded businessmen to take a day or two away from the office.

However, with over 110,000 people in Britain now suffering from TITS, including such celebrities as Elton Ben and Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowel, it’s time to take this affliction seriously.

A Chief Medical Officer’s report did much to shed light on the condition earlier this year when it concluded that TITS is indeed a genuine illness.

And for one Cheetingham doctor, this news could not have come soon enough. Michael Strachan, once a neurosurgeon at London’s Maudsley Hospital, nearly lost his job, his reputation and his self respect due to the onset of TITS.

Said Dr Strachan: “To begin with, there would be only minor movement of the thumbs, such as someone might do to pass the time when bored. It generally occurred when I was feeling tired or run down. At first, I didn’t even realise it was TITS.”

However, as the condition worsened, Dr Strachan found that it was beginning to affect his work.

“As my TITS developed,” said Dr Strachan, “I found that the concentration demanded of me during an operation would set the condition off. To begin with, it would just manifest itself as a minor jerking of the thumbs. But this would rapidly escalate until my whole hands were moving like Cliff Richard’s when he performed Devil Woman on Top of the Pops.”

Things reached a low point when Dr Strachan suffered an attack while operating last year. His patient, a 48 year-old London woman, suffered irreversible brain damage as a result. Previously good-natured and easygoing, she is now prone to violent outbursts during which she waves her arms around and shouts the word ‘hamsters’.

“It was after that occurrence that things got pretty bad for me,” admitted Dr Strachan. “The hospital suspended me pending enquiries. I would almost certainly have been struck off, had it not been for the publication of the Chief Medical Officer’s report.”

Fortunately for Dr Strachan, his case was reassessed and he agreed to become a guinea pig at the Maudley’s very own fledgling TITS unit. He now knows how to spot the signs of an impending attack, and how to manage the resulting erratic hand movements.

Yet for many people, TITS is simply dismissed as nervousness or ‘being highly strung’. This leaves sufferers with a double burden - not only of enduring the condition itself, but also of feeling misunderstood and isolated.

If you think that you, a family member or friend may be suffering from TITS, you should contact your GP. Useful information can also be found at:

www.TITS.org.uk, www.TITSsupport.com and www.getyourTITSout.com

COLLISION LEAVES DRIVER IN THE PINK

A car was severely damaged after a collision in St Alfege Street on Thursday morning.

The car, a Saab 99 Aero belonging to local businessman George Chittling, crossed the white line in the centre of the road and collided with an oncoming dumper truck.

The truck, which was destined for the Little Monsters kindergarten, had just left Sweet-U-Like and was carrying a full load of fresh blancmange. The force of the impact caused the front of the dumper truck to spring forward, denting the bonnet of Mr Chittling’s car and inundating it with 120 gallons of sticky, pink dessert.

Mr Chittling, who is the owner manager of Chittling's Balls and Brackets, was unhurt in the incident. He told the Observer: “The accident was entirely my fault. I was driving with the top down when I noticed a pretty young lady pedestrian and was distracted for a moment. The next thing I know, bang! I’m swimming in blancmange.”

“I’ve heard of getting your just desserts, but this is ridiculous!”

SONG TO REMAIN THE SAME ON FROGHILL COMMON

Police say they are powerless to curb late night musical activities which regularly take place on Froghill Common.

The Common has become a venue for people seeking musical encounters, most notably for lone trumpeters looking for casual partners to share a blow.

But Gordon Bennet, 52, of Pendennis Rise, Froghill, is calling on the authorities to reclaim the area for peace and tranquility. He says he wants to be able to walk his dog on the Common without fear of hearing La Cucaracha, Do They Know It's Christmas? or Gimme, Gimme, Gimme A Man After Midnight.

"People don't use the Common after dark anymore because they feel intimidated," he said. "This has got to stop. The Common is a beautiful open space. There's people wandering about up there, playing tubas, harmonicas, oboes, marimbas, all sorts”.

He decided to speak out after coming across two men playing a xylophone under the trees.

“They were playing The Girl from Ipanema,” Mr Bennet said. “And that’s when I decided enough was enough.”

Both the police and Froghill Council, which owns the land, say they are powerless to do anything. A spokesperson for Froghill Constabulary said people playing musical instruments in the open was not a criminal offence.

"Much as we feel for Mr Bennet, I’m afraid that under the law there’s nothing we can do to make them change their tune," she added.

YOUR WEEK IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)
Life has not been easy for Cancerians of late and you’ve had to draw much of your strength from your family. But, let's face it, loved ones can only do so much. Now is the time to seek solitude. Go to the shops, lay in some supplies and then lock yourself into the attic. You’ll find that a little primal screaming in a cramped, darkened space is just what you need to set yourself back onto the road to normality.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)
As a passionate and fiery Leo, your natural tendency is to bask in the public gaze. So why not take off all your clothes, put on a Sioux headdress, smear your thighs with dog meat, paint a smiley face on your abdomen and then cavort in public? All the signs point to this as a prudent course of action. Try to avoid contact with the police, particularly during the early part of the week.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
You may feel that no-one has been listening to you of late and you’d be right. Well now is the time to get your own back. Buy yourself a shotgun, saw off both barrels, go into work and take your boss hostage. You’ll be amazed at how this will make people sit up and take notice of you. Make sure to equip yourself with enough cartridges though, just in case it all goes wrong and you’re forced to turn the gun on yourself.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libras are naturally diplomatic. However, you’ve been feeling anything but tactful of late and this has led to difficulties. Urinating through a neighbour’s letterbox is never the best course of action, nor is ringing the bell to ask how high it went. Now is the moment to make the peace, perhaps by popping in on your way to the shops or by appearing on their doorstep with a new toilet brush as a gift.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
It’s always difficult to watch someone you love become a vegetarian, particularly when they insist on trying to convert you to their joyless, herbivorean ways. By way of revenge, you might try mixing meat extract with their denture fixative or crumbling an OXO cube into their enema solution. That way you can get them to take in some dead animal whether they like it or not. Just imagine the look on that sanctimonious face when you tell them what you’ve done!

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Being a Sagittarius, you're a naturally jolly sort. This can become tedious however, as people expect you to be good-natured and selfless all the time. You might take this opportunity to counter that impression, perhaps by laying a booby trap for the paper boy or feeding next door’s cat with a strong laxative. That way you still get the laugh, but you get to make a protest at the same time.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Money seems to have been slipping through your fingers of late and it’s time to do something about it. Crack cocaine dealing is a swift and sure way to build up your finances and it requires only minimal outlay. Don’t be tempted to try any yourself though, as it’s highly addictive and the last thing you need right now is another monkey on your back. Your lucky colour is puce.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)
The influence of Mercury on Uranus will lead to severe flatulence this week, especially on Tuesday. The best course of action is to wear thin latex pants to contain the emissions. Should anyone ask, you can always pass off the bulges as water retention. Then, in private, you can let out the accumulated gas without causing offence. Remember, however, not to do this in the presence of naked flames or while smoking.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)
This week sees a retrograde Saturn in your sign. The effects of this can be unpredictable. You might just have a normal week. Then again, you might suddenly find yourself overcome by the urge to dress as Flamborough Head and skip up and down the confectionery aisle of the supermarket singing ‘I Want To Marry A Lighthouse Keeper’. You will run out of matches in the middle of the week.

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)
The natural possessor of a big heart, your top half has always been a rather unusual shape. Generally, you take other people’s comments about this in your stride. But now is the time to readjust. Go to your local theatrical outfitters and rent a bustle. This will make your bottom look as bulbous as your chest. That way people will have a choice when it comes to making snide remarks about your appearance.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
As a Taurean, you may feel a frolicsome urge to enter a shop selling ceramics and earthenware this week. However, despite your usual impulsive approach to things, resist, as this will lead to considerable damage and, ultimately, a great deal of expense. You should expect to have your bicycle saddle stolen on Wednesday.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Nothing seems to have gone right for you recently. Car accidents, marital strife, financial difficulties - you name it, it's all come your way. However, with Mars ascendant, all the aspects tend favourably towards an end to this run of bad luck. So open up the window, balance on the ledge and then take that one little step to freedom. You may or may not meet an interesting stranger this week.

IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

The year ahead looks rosy and all the indications are of success, success and more success. So live a little - saunter down to the bank, empty out your account and spend every last penny on marshmallows and gardening magazines.

ANDY STANDS UP FOR WHAT HE BELIEVES IN

A Froghill man stiffened his resolve and raised £1,247 for charity in a sponsored Ringathon last Saturday evening.

Friends and family gathered in Froghill Athletic’s clubhouse to watch Andy Bishop, 28, of Workier Passage, Withering, strip himself naked, sit on a chair and have his hands tied behind his back.

He then watched Cindy Crawford workout videos for a strictly-timed three hours. Each time he rang a little bell suspended above his lap, he made £1 for charity.

Said Andy of his effort: “I’ve heard of someone’s face ringing a bell, but this is ridiculous. I don’t know how I kept it up for three hours!”

The money raised will be donated to the Withering Anti-Nuclear Kitchen Appliance Society (WANKAS).

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

As an alternative to spending out on costly funerals, why not try composting your dead relatives instead? This is not only ecologically sound, it also ensures that your loved ones will be literally pushing up the daisies. And that’s not to mention the financial benefits!

To get yourself started, the only things you'll need are a compost bin, plenty of kitchen waste and, of course, the dear departed. Make sure to locate the compost bin as far as possible from the house, as the decomposition process does tend to attract flies.

The kitchen waste should be an equal mix of ‘soft’ material, like fruit and vegetable peelings, tea-bags and food leftovers, and ‘hard’ material, like egg shells, old cartons and scrunched up paper.

Carefully place the deceased in the compost bin, making sure that you have already laid down a generous bed of soft material. Cover the cadaver with an even mixture of both hard and soft materials. Then close the lid and wait. What could be easier?

The process can take time - anything up to two years for all the body parts to break down and produce good quality compost. But, on the plus side, you won’t need to bother with expensive funeral arrangements or suffer the hypocrisy of smarmy men in black ties. What's more, you'll have a bumper crop of roses and the money you save can be put towards your next holiday or even a new bedroom suite!

Composting is a rewarding and profitable activity for all the family, dead or alive. I recommend the composting habit to all Observer readers.

Yours sincerely,

Pippa Waghorn (Mrs)

Froghill

The Editor replies:

Do any other readers have unusual, economical or practical suggestions for dealing with the deceased? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

BIG BRUSH OFF FOR BATHROOM WAREHOUSE

Toilet brushes, valued at nearly £48,000, have been stolen from a Froghill bathroom warehouse.

Around 9000 brushes, along with their holders, were taken from Lav-U-Like in Mungo Park Road last Saturday evening.

The intruders dug a tunnel in from the next door loading bay and cut through a reinforced concrete wall to get to the brush store. They then disabled the electric force field surrounding the brushes before making off with them.

Manager Colin Thribb said that although the brush store is ringed with anti-personnel devices, every single one failed to detonate. “Nobody had checked the batteries in quite some time,” he admitted.

"It must have taken at least a dozen lorry trips to get all 9000 brushes away,” said Mr Thribb.

“Toilet brushes can fetch exorbitant prices on the black market, particularly those featuring a floral motif or gold inlay. I imagine the thieves must be selling them on the internet or through specialist magazines."

MISSING PEANUT FOUND IN ATTIC

A chance discovery took a Cheetingham woman on a romantic trip down memory lane last Friday morning.

Anne Larkin was in her attic spring cleaning when she came across a peanut she hadn’t seen for nearly 50 years.

Said 68-year-old Anne: “On one of our first dates, my boyfriend Ted took me to London Zoo. We'd seen the Guy the gorilla and were standing at the chimps' enclosure, watching them do their funny antics.

"One of the males came right up to the bars in front of us and started playing with himself. He was pursing his lips and his eyes were bulging out. It made us both start giggling.

"We watched him for a while, then Ted turned to me, took my face in his hands and told me I looked just like that chimp. It was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said to me.

"Then he kissed me, right at the moment when the chimp reached his climax."

It was on their next date that Ted gave her the peanut, one of a selection he’d bought at a market stall that morning.

“He gave me the nut and then asked if I’d be his chimpanzee for life,” said Anne. "I knew he was the only man for me, so I said 'yes' straightaway."

Ted and Anne were married in June 1958 and moved to their present house in August of the same year. It was soon after that the peanut disappeared.

“I had no idea where it had gone – I was heartbroken,” said Anne. “I turned the house upside down looking for that nut. And then, this morning, there it was, lying at the bottom of a teachest. I really don't know how it got there.”

When asked how she and Ted would celebrate the nut’s return, Anne answered: “It hasn’t really sunk in yet, but I think we might go to London Zoo and watch the chimps.”

BILL AND BEN SAVAGE VILLAGER’S TROUSERS

Worried villagers are calling for action after two hamsters escaped from their cage and attacked a man’s trouser legs.

Residents in Bigglesworth Road, Withering, say that Bill and Ben, a pair of Patagonian Pit Bull Hamsters, are a menace and should have their real teeth replaced with rubber ones.

Homeowners close to where the rodents live have started a petition, which has been handed to police, following the attack on Friday, June 9.

But the hamsters' owner says they are not dangerous and that the man must have provoked them somehow.

The owner, who did not want to be named, said he regretted Friday's attack. But he added: "This is a freak event and not at all typical of their usual behaviour.

"I can only guess that the victim must have flapped his trouser legs at them in an enticing manner.

“Besides, all they did was shred his turnups. Let's look on the bright side - he was lucky they didn't find their way into his pockets.

"If they had, the situation could have been a lot worse, believe me.”

SWINE AND DINE CAFÉ OWNERS FINED

The owners of a Froghill transport café have been fined a total of £6,000 for food hygiene offences.

Charles Nicholson, 52, and Gerry ‘Biffo’ Halsworthy, 44, proprietors of Nosh-U-Like in Swansdike Road, pleaded guilty at Froghill Magistrates Court to charges of failing to keep their premises clean and to several offences under the 1974 Swine Accommodation Act.

The offences relate to a routine inspection by Froghill Council health inspectors on November 15 last year.

Prosecuting counsel Peter Chaffe told the court that kitchen floors, shelves and food storage areas were all found to be dirty and that a family of Vietnamese potbellied pigs had taken up residence in one of the ovens.

He said: "During the course of their investigation, the health inspectors were alarmed by what appeared to be muffled squeals coming from one of the cookers.

"Upon opening the oven door, they found a mother pig inside, suckling her litter in a baking tray. The inspectors counted eight piglets in all."

He added: "There was a pile of pig droppings on the floor which, when measured, proved to be over 13 feet in diameter.

"Furthermore, the kitchen work surfaces were covered with a deposit so sticky that one of the inspectors' posteriors became firmly attached to a chopping board.

“This had later to be surgically removed in the casualty unit of Froghill General.

“It was clear that the premises had not been cleaned for some considerable time."

Speaking for the defence, Barrington Snuff QC said his clients shared a total of 42 years' experience in the catering business, and had no previous hygiene-related violations.

He said: "My clients were completely unaware that it is against the law to keep pigs in a food preparation area."

Mr Snuff also told the court the defendants had voluntarily offered to pay the loss of earnings incurred after the chopping board’s removal from the inspector.

Ordering Mr Nicholson and Mr Halswothy to pay fines of £3,000 each and costs totalling £58,000, presiding judge Neville Siliphant said:

"We have taken into consideration your plea of guilty and the fact that you promptly slaughtered the pigs, which you then roasted and gave away free to your customers.

“Indeed, I partook of a Vietnamese potbellied sandwich myself and, I must say, topped off with a gherkin or two, it was really rather tasty."

THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Fellatio”. Impress family and friends with your knowledge of Shakespeare. Book of quotes, complete in one volume. Bound in 100% Chilean leopard-skin. Bargain at £500. Phone 0372 44169, ask for Phil Staffe.

Black Scorpion. Eats anything, good with children. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Free to good home. Call in at Raylings Farm, Swansdike.

Bottle of Milk, green with gold top. Pasteurised. Original sell-by date still visible. £3. P. Milligan, 255 6190.

Box of fireworks, assorted. Used only once. £25. C. Wheel, 338 7145.

Can of Worms. Unopened. Offers? Di Lemmer, 0372 48326.

Cattle prod. Mains rechargeable. Add that extra zing to your bedtime fun! £40. Phone Trevor on 338 7122, after midnight.

Cruise Missile, 1984 model. Choice of warheads. One careful owner. £2,500. Tom O’Hawke, 0732 45581.

Ears. Packet of three: left, right, wild front. £8.35, ono. Contact D. Crockett, 255 6420.

Electricity. 2 kWh, off-peak rate. Buyer collects. Offers? 0372 42276.

JCB 160L excavator. Custard Yellow with red wheel trims. Fully loaded. New baby forces sale. £35,000. 0372 48825, ask for Digger.

Miniature rotisserie, battery operated. Ideal for hamsters and small squirrels. Also, miniature skewer set. Prices available on request. Redfers Nuthatch, 0372 43758.

Piece of Wood. 2x4 inches. Splinters removed. £90, ono. Tim Burr, 0372 47951, after 6pm or at weekends.

Portable Ice Rink. Opens up large enough to accommodate 50 skaters, folds up small enough to fit in your car boot. Still in original box. £950. J. Torville, 338 7539.

Teach Yourself Dentistry. Why go to the professionals? Save £££ with this lavishly-illustrated, easy-to-follow manual. £4.50. Ruud Kanalwerk, 0372 47921.

Toilet Brush. White with floral motif. Unwanted gift. £650. Honor Kermode, 446 2621.

TOILET BRUSH WINS ART AWARD

The winner of this year's Simon Fanshawe Public Art Award has been announced at a ceremony at Froghill Town Hall.

First prize went to sculptor Franklin Newbie, who created a 100-foot representation of a toilet brush, complete with holder.

Cast entirely in bronze, Newbie’s piece is entitled The Unrelenting Pressure of Mundanity and is due to be erected on Froghill Common later this month.

Asked what he would do with his £1,000 winner’s cheque, Newbie replied: “It hasn’t really sunk in yet, but I think I might use the money to retrain as a sanitary engineer.”

BOGUS CALLERS TO FACE THE MUSIC

Police in Froghill are planning to get tough on unemployed musicians who fleece householders for cash and other items.

In the latest incident, a bogus caller arrived at a woman's address in Traubert’s Heath. He gained entry to her house after claiming he had come to check that the tufts on her carpets were all facing in the same direction.

The intruder left in a hurry after the woman became suspicious and started growling.

The man is described as being white, slim, in his 30s and approximately 3ft 8in tall. He was wearing evening dress and had one arm substantially longer than the other.

DS Geoff Bunton of the Froghill Constabulary said: "The differing length of the intruder’s arms leads us to suspect that we might be looking for an out-of-work trombonist.

"We are concentrating our enquiries on local orchestras and jazz bands, particularly those who have recently laid off staff.

“Musicians are known to be using a number of excuses to gain entry to people’s houses, posing as gardeners, cushion plumpers and even neurosurgeons."

If you suspect bogus callers are operating in your area call the police on 0372 47777.

MISSING MAN FOUND

A man who had been missing for two weeks has turned up safe and well.

Willy Standing, 34, of Bracewell Road, Cheetingham, was reported missing by his wife after he failed to return from a shopping trip.

Police launched an appeal to help find Willy, who reappeared on June 1.

A spokesman for Froghill Constabulary said: "Mr Standing walked into Froghill Police Station at around 9am last Thursday morning. Though somewhat dishevelled, he appeared to be in good health.

"This is not the first time we have been called upon to find Mr Standing, who disappeared for a period of three weeks earlier in the year.

"It seems that on this occasion he had spent the period living in a council grit bin in Froghill High Street."

WHO'S THE BOUNCIEST BABY?

Every new parent likes to think of their child as a healthy, bouncing baby. Well now it's time to put that belief to the test.

The Observer is launching its 2006 Bouncing Baby competition today, with one lucky family set to win an all expenses paid, two-week holiday in a bouncy castle.

To enter, fill in the form you'll find in next week's copy of the Observer and send it to us along with a recent photo of your baby.

Then bring your child to The Beeches on Saturday June 17 from 9am onwards. Climb the specially-constructed, 70-foot gantry and drop your baby from the top. What could be simpler?

Our team of experts will be on hand to measure the height of the rebound after each infant hits the ground. The highest bounce on the day will take the prize.

To be eligible, your child must be under 18 months of age and weigh less than 60 kilograms.

The Observer accepts no responsibility for any injury or death sustained by contestants.