YOUR WEEK IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)
Life has not been easy for Cancerians of late and you’ve had to draw much of your strength from your family. But, let's face it, loved ones can only do so much. Now is the time to seek solitude. Go to the shops, lay in some supplies and then lock yourself into the attic. You’ll find that a little primal screaming in a cramped, darkened space is just what you need to set yourself back onto the road to normality.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)
As a passionate and fiery Leo, your natural tendency is to bask in the public gaze. So why not take off all your clothes, put on a Sioux headdress, smear your thighs with dog meat, paint a smiley face on your abdomen and then cavort in public? All the signs point to this as a prudent course of action. Try to avoid contact with the police, particularly during the early part of the week.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
You may feel that no-one has been listening to you of late and you’d be right. Well now is the time to get your own back. Buy yourself a shotgun, saw off both barrels, go into work and take your boss hostage. You’ll be amazed at how this will make people sit up and take notice of you. Make sure to equip yourself with enough cartridges though, just in case it all goes wrong and you’re forced to turn the gun on yourself.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libras are naturally diplomatic. However, you’ve been feeling anything but tactful of late and this has led to difficulties. Urinating through a neighbour’s letterbox is never the best course of action, nor is ringing the bell to ask how high it went. Now is the moment to make the peace, perhaps by popping in on your way to the shops or by appearing on their doorstep with a new toilet brush as a gift.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
It’s always difficult to watch someone you love become a vegetarian, particularly when they insist on trying to convert you to their joyless, herbivorean ways. By way of revenge, you might try mixing meat extract with their denture fixative or crumbling an OXO cube into their enema solution. That way you can get them to take in some dead animal whether they like it or not. Just imagine the look on that sanctimonious face when you tell them what you’ve done!

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Being a Sagittarius, you're a naturally jolly sort. This can become tedious however, as people expect you to be good-natured and selfless all the time. You might take this opportunity to counter that impression, perhaps by laying a booby trap for the paper boy or feeding next door’s cat with a strong laxative. That way you still get the laugh, but you get to make a protest at the same time.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Money seems to have been slipping through your fingers of late and it’s time to do something about it. Crack cocaine dealing is a swift and sure way to build up your finances and it requires only minimal outlay. Don’t be tempted to try any yourself though, as it’s highly addictive and the last thing you need right now is another monkey on your back. Your lucky colour is puce.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)
The influence of Mercury on Uranus will lead to severe flatulence this week, especially on Tuesday. The best course of action is to wear thin latex pants to contain the emissions. Should anyone ask, you can always pass off the bulges as water retention. Then, in private, you can let out the accumulated gas without causing offence. Remember, however, not to do this in the presence of naked flames or while smoking.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)
This week sees a retrograde Saturn in your sign. The effects of this can be unpredictable. You might just have a normal week. Then again, you might suddenly find yourself overcome by the urge to dress as Flamborough Head and skip up and down the confectionery aisle of the supermarket singing ‘I Want To Marry A Lighthouse Keeper’. You will run out of matches in the middle of the week.

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)
The natural possessor of a big heart, your top half has always been a rather unusual shape. Generally, you take other people’s comments about this in your stride. But now is the time to readjust. Go to your local theatrical outfitters and rent a bustle. This will make your bottom look as bulbous as your chest. That way people will have a choice when it comes to making snide remarks about your appearance.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
As a Taurean, you may feel a frolicsome urge to enter a shop selling ceramics and earthenware this week. However, despite your usual impulsive approach to things, resist, as this will lead to considerable damage and, ultimately, a great deal of expense. You should expect to have your bicycle saddle stolen on Wednesday.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Nothing seems to have gone right for you recently. Car accidents, marital strife, financial difficulties - you name it, it's all come your way. However, with Mars ascendant, all the aspects tend favourably towards an end to this run of bad luck. So open up the window, balance on the ledge and then take that one little step to freedom. You may or may not meet an interesting stranger this week.

IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

The year ahead looks rosy and all the indications are of success, success and more success. So live a little - saunter down to the bank, empty out your account and spend every last penny on marshmallows and gardening magazines.