NO PAPER FOR ONE MONTH

Due to staff holidays, the Observer offices will be closed for one month. We will resume our usual incisive and in-depth reporting in late August.

The editor and staff would like to take this opportunity to wish all our readers a pleasant and relaxing summer.

FANSHAWE HOUSE CUFF RESCUE DRAMA

Firefighters were called to Fanshawe House in the early hours of Sunday morning after receiving a garbled 999 call informing them of someone trapped in handcuffs.

A Froghill Fire Service crew arrived at the House at about 12.30am to find the front door wide open and lights blazing inside.

Said firefighter Ted Denbigh: “We entered the House, calling out to see if anyone was at home. We heard a voice coming from the library.

“There we discovered Ms Emily Fanshawe, who was wearing a leather basque, pussycat ears and thigh-length boots, handcuffed to a chaise longue. She was giggling hysterically and repeating the words: ‘I’ve been a very naughty girl’. There was an empty brandy bottle and a tub of passion fruit yogurt on the table next to her.

"She didn’t seem to be in any discomfort nor did she seem to know what had happened or where the key was.”

It took crew members 40 minutes, using a pair of pliers and a screwdriver, to release the captive, who was none the worse for her experience and did not require medical attention.

Upon being asked to comment upon the events of the evening, Ms Fanshawe, 92, replied: “I’ve always believed that restraint is a virtue. It’s one of the things that make the British what they are.”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

In response to your article ‘Water Bill Shocks Pensioner’ (Observer, July 9th) may I point out that hosing down his wife is most likely the cause of Mr Thistle’s astronomical water bill. Not only is this practice expensive, as Mr Thistle has found to his cost, it is also wasteful. Water is one of the Earth’s most precious resources and should be treated as such.

Even in this hot weather, one can keep perfectly cool and clean with the old wire brush and Dettol treatment. The experience is rendered more invigorating still by keeping the Dettol in the fridge.

Yours sincerely,

Dick Scraper

Traubert's Heath

The Editor replies:

Do any other readers have unusual, economical or practical suggestions for saving water? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

DRUNKEN COUNCILLOR COVERS WOMAN IN YOGURT BEFORE HIDING IN CUPBOARD AND FARTING

A Froghill councillor fears he will lose his seat on the council after being arrested in a local massage parlour late on Saturday evening.

Councillor Dennis Meddings was discovered crouching in a linen cupboard during a police raid on Rub It Better in Froghill’s Station Precinct. He now fears that the resulting loss of public trust will leave him unable able to retain his position.

Saturday’s raid, headed by Detective Inspector Des Wilcox of the Gender Offences and Naughty Activities Detection Squad (GONADS), led to six arrests. Said DI Wilcox: “We have long suspected that the premises in question were being used for unlawful sexual purposes.

“Consequently, we decided to mount an operation on Saturday evening, as our intelligence indicated this to be the establishment’s busiest period.”

When questioned by the Observer on the circumstances of Cllr Meddings’ arrest, DI Wilcox made the following statement:

“During the course of Operation Smutbuster, I entered one of the establishment’s private cubicles. I found myself confronted by a young lady wearing nothing but a thong and a papier maché tapir’s head. She was tied to a chair and her upper body was covered in what our forensics boys later determined to be passion fruit yogurt.

“In attempting to question the woman, I was required to raise my voice, as the animal headgear was interfering with both her hearing and her speech. It was perhaps this shouting which alarmed the councillor to the point where he gave himself away.

“From behind me I heard what can only be described as the sound of someone nervously breaking wind. I realised that it was coming from behind a louvred cupboard door. Upon opening the door, I discovered Councillor Meddings, clearly intoxicated, crouching unsteadily inside.

“He was naked apart from a red ribbon tied around his genital area and the words 'Animal Lover’ scrawled across his chest in lipstick.”

Councillor Meddings was covered with a large bath towel and then taken into police custody. He was later released on bail.

When contacted by the Observer, the councillor, who is well known for advocating traditional moral values, declined our invitation to interview with two words. The second of these was ‘off’.

UNEXPECTED ‘GUEST’ CAUSES WEDDING CHAOS

Police were called to St Mark’s church, Froghill, after an outbreak of fighting led to the hurried cancellation of a wedding ceremony.

For Graeme Bailey, 31, and his 28-year-old fiancée Kelly Sparks, Saturday, July 15th should have been the happiest day of their lives. Instead, they found themselves watching with horror as their wedding descended into an orgy of violence that left six people in hospital and led to more than 40 being arrested.

The ceremony, conducted by the Reverend Adrian Small, started ordinarily enough. So much so that that no-one in the congregation noticed the vestry door open and then quietly close again.

The latecomer was a four-year-old Wessex Saddleback sow, who had escaped from a nearby pickup truck, left unattended after sustaining a puncture in Market Street.

Said driver Mick Pitkin: “I was doing a livestock delivery for Rayling’s in Swansdike when the truck got a flat in the town centre. I went looking for a phonebox to ring up and tell them at the farm that I’d be late. When I got back to the truck, I found that the gate at the rear had worked itself loose and Bessie was gone.”

Bessie found her way into the church by following the trail of rice left from an earlier wedding. The transept being thickly carpeted, no-one heard the sound of her trotters as she wandered from the vestry into the front of the church.

Brother of the bride Ian Sparks takes up the story: “The vicar had just reached the point when he asks if anyone knows of any just impediment when suddenly one of them Baileys pipes up and says: ‘Bugger me! She’s a bloody great sow!’ Well that were more than enough for me, so I went over there to his pew and stuck one on him.”

Speaking from his bed in Froghill General, farmer Malcolm Bailey, who is receiving treatment for a broken nose, said: “Well, I looked up from my hymn book to see this beautiful Wessex Saddleback come in from the side door. No-one else seemed to notice her except me, and I was so surprised that the words were out of my mouth before I even knew I’d said them.”

As Mr Sparks launched into Mr Bailey, both sides took this as their cue to leave their seats and start punching each other. With things rapidly descending into chaos, the bride and groom were hustled into the vestry by Rev’d Small, who then telephoned Froghill Constabulary for help.

All 42 of those arrested were later released after being charged with causing an affray. Said Ian Sparks upon leaving the police station: “Of course I feel sorry for Kelly, what with it being her big day and all, but I hate them Baileys, I do. Toffee-nosed bastards the lot of them.”

The fugitive Bessie was recaptured about an hour later, but not before she had bitten three of the wedding guests, urinated on the altar and torn up several of the larger flower arrangements.

MISSING MAN FOUND

A man who had been missing for four weeks has turned up safe and well.

Willy Standing, 34, of Bracewell Road, Cheetingham, was reported missing by his wife after he failed to return from his allotment.

Police launched an appeal to help find Willy, who reappeared on Monday morning.

A spokesman for Froghill Constabulary said: "Mr Standing walked into Froghill Police Station at around 9am on Monday morning. Though somewhat dishevelled and slightly damp, he appeared to be in good health.

"This is not the first time we have been called upon to find Mr Standing, who has disappeared twice already this year.

"It seems that on this occasion he had spent the period living in a toilet cistern in the Withering Green gentlemen's convenience," said the spokesman.

FALLING PEANUT DESTROYS CAR

A hire car exploded and was engulfed by fire in Froghill town centre last Sunday afternoon.

The car, a Citröen C5 belonging to the Lease-U-Like rental company, was parked outside Veejay’s News in St Alfege Street when it was struck by a falling peanut.

The vehicle was on loan to George Chittling, owner manager of Chittling’s Balls and Brackets, whose own car was severely damaged by blancmange only a fortnight ago. Said Mr Chittling of Sunday’s events: “I had just locked the car and was making my way into the shop to buy a paper.

“I paused to look up into the sky, just as a plane was passing overhead. I stopped to watch it for a moment, wondering where it might be going.

"Then there was the sound of something moving at high speed, making a ‘Whooosh!’ sort of noise, accompanied by the smell of roasted peanuts. The next second, my car exploded.”

Appliances from the Froghill Fire Service were soon on hand to quell the blaze. Said firefighter Ted Denbigh: “We found fragments of charred peanut among the burnt-out wreckage of the car. It seems that the nut had somehow fallen from the plane observed by Mr Chittling. The friction generated by its acceleration through the air would have caused the nut to glow red hot. Upon striking Mr Chittling’s car, it pierced the fuel tank causing the vehicle to explode.”

The matter has been referred to Froghill Constabulary’s Special Nut Operations Team (SNOT) for further investigation.

Asked how he felt about losing two cars in as many weeks, Mr Chitling said: “Well obviously, I’m gutted, though I suppose I should be grateful I wasn’t hurt.

“I’ve heard of pennies from heaven,” he added, “but this is ridiculous!”

DEAR AMY

Something worrying you? Need to tell someone? Then why not write to Amy for advice?

MY WIFE IS ENVELOPED IN AN AFFAIR

About two weeks ago, I noticed that a letter addressed to my wife was postmarked ‘Love Nest’. This struck me as peculiar, given that the letter was from her sister who lives in Cheetingham. Soon after that, every letter we received came postmarked in the same way, only the postmarks had all become heart-shaped.

About a week ago, a neighbour he told me that their post hadn’t come till nearly midday for the previous three days in a row. This is despite the fact that I often see the post van turning into our road as I’m on my way to work in the morning.

Finally, last Saturday, a scented envelope dropped through the letterbox. Not so unusual, perhaps, except that the letter in question was a tax demand, and I’m sure the Inland Revenue are not in the habit of dousing their stationery in Paco Rabanne’s ‘Ultraviolet’.

That same day, I came home from football to find my wife dressed in a post office sack. She told me she’d bought it in the sales and that it was the latest in designer fashion. Worse still, as we were undressing for bed that evening, I noticed that she had a first-class stamp stuck to her right buttock.

In short, I’m convinced that my wife is having an affair with our postman. What can I do?

Frantic,
Froghill

Amy writes: Affairs between housewives and people who call during the day are so common as to be clichéd. This knowledge does not help you, however, and I can imagine how desperate you must be feeling.

There are two aspects to your situation. First, you need to win back your wife’s affection. Second, you need to get revenge.

You may be surprised to learn that the traditional tokens of love can still work their magic. So why not come home with a dozen red roses or a box of chocolates? Or surprise her with a candle-lit meal at her favourite restaurant? Just letting her know how much she means to you might be all you need to recapture her heart.

Now when it comes to making postie pay for the anguish he’s caused, there are several options open to you. As we all know, the postman’s arch enemy is the dog. I suggest you buy one, preferably an animal which has had training in guerilla warfare tactics. Failing this, you might invest in a pit bull hamster and starve it for a few days before leaving it dangling on a string on the inside of your letterbox.

Booby trapping is also something you might consider. An explosive charge rigged to the handle of your gate should be enough to make sure that he keeps his hands off your wife in future. Especially as he won’t actually be left with any after the blast.

Another possibility is digging a pit just outside your front door and sowing the bottom with a series of sharpened iron spikes. Cover the whole with an innocent-looking welcome mat and your trap will be complete. That’s the last time he’ll be dropping in at your place!

Whatever you choose to do, a trip to Cull-U-Like in the High Street can provide you with everything you need to ensure that the postman will never again be ringing twice.

WATER BILL SHOCKS PENSIONER

A senior citizen who queried the amount of his water bill was shocked when at he received another bill demanding even more money.

Retired contract killer Bert Thistle, 86, originally took action after receiving a bill for a stunning £30,000.65

But his jaw dropped even further when he received the second bill, this time for £300,000.65.

Mr Thistle, of Sunflower Cottages, Swansdike, said: “I know I occasionally get through a bit of water, what with hosing down the missus and that, but to receive such a huge bill with no explanation fair took me back a bit.”

A spokesperson for water company Pipes-U-Like said: “We’d like to apologise to Mr Thistle for sending him a bill for the wrong amount. The truth is, we’ve been having problems with the ink cartridge in our printer recently, and sometimes the zeroes don’t come out properly.

“By way of an apology to Mr Thistle, we’d like to waive the extra 65 pence from the second bill and hope that this will go some way to restoring his trust in us.”

On Friday, the Observer learned that shop assistant Madge Pruett, 57, has been threatened with court action by Pipes-U-Like over her non payment of a bill for £48,000.

But Ms Pruett, who lives in Benelton Road, Traubert’s Heath, said that she never used water because she was allergic to it.

SMELLIE DINNER RAISES £6,500

A charity dinner, held at the Froghill Assembly Rooms, has raised £6,500 for charity. The money will go to the Withering Itinerant Lino Layers In Extremis Society (WILLIES).

Guest of honour at last Thursday’s dinner was popular TV presenter Carol Smellie, who spoke for nearly an hour on the subject of life after lino. Ms Smellie, whose own father was a lino layer, regaled the audience with anecdotes about vinyl flooring, underlay and specialist cutting tools.

WILLIES director Hubert Stigwood also made a speech about improving conditions for ex-linoleum operatives. Commenting to the Observer after the event, Mr Stigwood said: “It’s terrible to think that just because lino is no longer the floor covering of choice, a whole section of society should be cast off without so much as a thought.

“We aim to create opportunities for former workers in the linoleum industry and to provide retraining schemes which will allow them to realise their full potential.”

Although 120 guests enjoyed the dinner, greeting Ms Smellie with rapturous applause, many got up and left as Mr Stigwood started speaking.

When asked how he felt about this exodus, Mr Stigwood could be heard to mutter the words ‘bastards’ and ‘smug cow’ before turning on his heel and walking away.

LET SHOE POLISH GIVE GREY HAIR THE BOOT

Nothing makes you look old more than a head of greying hair. Yet regular dyeing is messy and time-consuming and having it done professionally can cost a fortune.

Well now, thanks to Janine, top colourist at Froghill’s Looks-U-Like salon, a quick and easy alternative is at hand.

“It’s simple,” says Janine. “Just use shoe polish and ship’s varnish instead. It’s economical, undetectable and you can do it in your own home.”

The first thing is to choose a tin of polish that most closely resembles your original hair colour. This will ensure a more even tonal blend and avoids that sudden drastic change which has everyone sniggering behind your back.

Empty the tin of polish into a small saucepan and melt it over a gentle heat. In the meantime, wash your hair and towel it dry. It’s a good idea to use a conditioner at this stage, as this will eliminate awkward knots and tangles during the application process.

When the polish has completely liquefied, dip a styling comb into the pan and run it through your hair from front to back. Be sure to work upwards from the roots to the end of each individual hair strand. Continue in this way, making sure to cover all the hair evenly. Take care, however, not to get any colourant onto the surrounding skin, as liquid shoe polish is highly corrosive and can leave unsightly scars.

While doing this, pre-heat your oven to 200ºC or gas mark 6.

The next step is important, as your new colour will need to be fixed. First, make sure the hair is combed down flat against your skull. Then, using a light-gauge brush, apply a thin coating of varnish to the entire head, working from front to back, as you did with the polish.

Wait around 10 to 15 minutes for the varnish to become tacky, then put your head into the oven to harden it all off. This will take around half an hour. You can achieve the same result by using a microwave, set on medium for two minutes, but remember to Vaseline your cheeks thoroughly first, in order to avoid friction burns from the revolving turntable.

And that’s all there is to it. In less than an hour you’ll be looking at a new and rejuvenated image in the mirror – and only you and Janine will know the secret of how it was done!

NO NUDES IS GOOD NUDES FOR FROGHILL COUNCIL

A local artist has had his work banned by Froghill Council a day before the opening of this year’s ‘Impressions 06’ exhibition at the Town Hall.

The work, entitled Maidenhead Revisited, features a life-size couple standing side by side and holding hands. The man is completely naked, the woman is wearing only a pair of tights.

Painter Sebastian Flute, whose work is at the centre of the controversy, spoke out vehemently against the Council’s decision yesterday.

“My piece was never intended to be lewd,” said Mr Flute, “and only the feeble-minded would see it as such. The painting depicts a universal truth about the human condition – the desire we all have to turn the clock back, to return to a time when we were more innocent and complete.

“I am saddened and angered that the obvious symbolism of my work has escaped the stuffy conservatives who sit on the Council.”

Councillor Dennis Meddings, who spearheaded the initiative to have the work removed, had the following to say in response:

“Symbolism be damned - nudity is nudity and that’s all there is to it. My views on promiscuity are well-known and if that constitutes conservatism then so be it.

“I see no reason for human nakedness to be flaunted in public,” added Councillor Meddings. “Speaking personally, I have never been naked in my entire life and it hasn’t done me any harm.”

The ‘Impressions 06’ exhibition, showcasing artists who work in and around the Froghill area, will run until August 31st. For more information phone 0732 47222.

COUNCIL SLASHES DECORATIONS

Concerned Froghill residents are protesting the Council's reduced public decorations budget, fearing that this will have a harmful effect on the cultural life of the town.

The annual £100,000 allocation for public decorations was reduced by £65,000 in June, as part of the economy drive devised by Councillor Dennis Meddings.

Said Stella McDermott, chair of the Froghill Area Town Standards Organisation (FATSO): "I’m seriously worried that this will lead to a duller, greyer, less festive Froghill. The £35,000 remaining in the annual budget will just about be enough to cover the town centre Christmas decorations.

”How we will find the money for events like the Queen’s Birthday and International Hamster Day, I just cannot imagine. And that’s not to mention time-honoured local festivals such as St Tapir’s Feast and the spring Rabbit Shaving Contest. I know these things don’t come cheap, but cheap is what we’ll look if we continue on down this path.

“I have just one word to say to Councillor Meddings,” added Ms McDermott. “Bunting!”

LATE NIGHT HIGH STREET BRAWL

Residents were rudely awoken late on Friday evening when a violent brawl erupted in Froghill High Street.

The fight broke out following an argument between a group of men outside The Nag’s Head just after closing time.

High Street resident Hermione Stubbs said: "I'd been asleep for an hour or so when the noise of people shouting woke me up. I looked out my window and saw about half a dozen young men arguing and jostling each other.

"They were obviously drunk and shouting things like 'Mine’s bigger than yours is', 'No, it isn’t' and 'Go on then, show us'.

“They were rummaging in their trousers and pulling out small fleshy things which appeared to be wriggling about. They then held these things together and compared them by the light of a street lamp.

“I couldn’t get a very good view from where I was, so I ran to fetch my binoculars," said Ms Stubbs, 66.

"When I could see better, I realised that they were holding hamsters in their hands and were arguing over them.

"Then they all started fighting each other. I don’t know what can have happened to the poor animals. I hope they didn't get squashed."

A police spokesman said: "Friday is hamster racing night at The Nag’s Head and sometimes people can get a bit over-excited. Although we don’t intend to press charges, we will be keeping a closer eye on the place from now on."

POEM READ OUT BY TOP TV PERSONALITY

One Froghill resident has played his part in supporting England in the World Cup by composing a poem which was read out on radio by TV’s Lawrence Llewellyn Bowel.

Peter French, 35, of Swansdike Road, won the BBC poetry competition over 1,250 other entries, all given to the theme of England’s World Cup glory. The poem was broadcast on Radio Five Live last Thursday morning.

Peter, a lifelong Froghill Athletic supporter, spent four and a half hours locked in the smallest room writing the poem, which is entitled Come On, You England!

The father of three said: "It's the first time I've ever written verse and the damn thing nearly killed me, especially finding some of the rhymes.

"The toilet was the only place in the house where I could find the necessary peace and quiet to write. I think the rest of the family were rather desperate for me to finish by the time I got to the final line!"

The Observer is proud to reproduce Peter's poem in full:

COME ON, YOU ENGLAND!

by Peter French

Come on, you England,

You know that we support you,

And that we’re behind you,

Absolutely, all the way.

Come on, you England,

You know we’re dreaming of you,

As you march to victory,

On that final day.

Come on, you England,

You know that you can do it,

Like you did in ‘66,

On the turf at Wem-ber-ley.

Come on, you England,

You know that we’re proud of you,

So bring us back the greatest prize,

The cup of Jules Rimet!