DRUNKEN COUNCILLOR COVERS WOMAN IN YOGURT BEFORE HIDING IN CUPBOARD AND FARTING

A Froghill councillor fears he will lose his seat on the council after being arrested in a local massage parlour late on Saturday evening.

Councillor Dennis Meddings was discovered crouching in a linen cupboard during a police raid on Rub It Better in Froghill’s Station Precinct. He now fears that the resulting loss of public trust will leave him unable able to retain his position.

Saturday’s raid, headed by Detective Inspector Des Wilcox of the Gender Offences and Naughty Activities Detection Squad (GONADS), led to six arrests. Said DI Wilcox: “We have long suspected that the premises in question were being used for unlawful sexual purposes.

“Consequently, we decided to mount an operation on Saturday evening, as our intelligence indicated this to be the establishment’s busiest period.”

When questioned by the Observer on the circumstances of Cllr Meddings’ arrest, DI Wilcox made the following statement:

“During the course of Operation Smutbuster, I entered one of the establishment’s private cubicles. I found myself confronted by a young lady wearing nothing but a thong and a papier maché tapir’s head. She was tied to a chair and her upper body was covered in what our forensics boys later determined to be passion fruit yogurt.

“In attempting to question the woman, I was required to raise my voice, as the animal headgear was interfering with both her hearing and her speech. It was perhaps this shouting which alarmed the councillor to the point where he gave himself away.

“From behind me I heard what can only be described as the sound of someone nervously breaking wind. I realised that it was coming from behind a louvred cupboard door. Upon opening the door, I discovered Councillor Meddings, clearly intoxicated, crouching unsteadily inside.

“He was naked apart from a red ribbon tied around his genital area and the words 'Animal Lover’ scrawled across his chest in lipstick.”

Councillor Meddings was covered with a large bath towel and then taken into police custody. He was later released on bail.

When contacted by the Observer, the councillor, who is well known for advocating traditional moral values, declined our invitation to interview with two words. The second of these was ‘off’.