TEN TIPS FOR SAVING MONEY THIS WINTER

With the dark days of winter soon upon us and the cost of living rising every day, careful balancing of the household budget is vital. So here are ten tips from home economics expert Pennie Pincher to help you when it comes to making those crucial savings.

1. Slash your meat bills by serving cat. It's lean, nutritious, easy to kill and freely available, especially after midnight in built-up areas.

2. Save on heating by investing in a tube of extra strong mints. Suck one, stick out your tongue and in no time you'll have a room that's as warm as toast.

3. Keep your dustbin in the sitting room and burn the contents every evening. This not only reduces heating costs but allows you to bake potatoes at the same time, thereby cutting down on cooking bills too.

4. Stand wet tea bags around the base of your dustbin. They will dry nicely when you have your evening fire and can be reused the following day.

5. Use old newspapers instead of buying expensive bedclothes. Homeless people have been doing it for years and it's never done them any harm.

6. Keep old navel fluff for stuffing cushions.

7. Have all the family use the same bathwater. After they finish, save the water and use it for making tea.

8. Rinse out condoms in the morning and they'll be ready for use again by evening. Be careful not to use hot water however, as this will cause them to stretch and lose their flavour.

9. Pre-chew food for elderly members of the family. This will allow them to conserve vital energy for the purpose of keeping warm. As a bonus, it will also reduce wear and tear on ageing dentures.

10. Avoid washing altogether during cold weather – a protective layer of dirt is ideal for sealing in body heat. It can also be used to grow vegetables like carrots and turnips in the soft folds of flesh behind the knees and around the groin.

NO LITTLE SQUIRTS AT FOUNTAIN CHALLENGE

There will be blowouts aplenty this weekend when hundreds gather for the highly esteemed Froghill Fountain Challenge. Organised by the Froghill Rearend Aquabatic Club And Society (FRACAS), the annual event draws fountaineers from around the country.

Saturday’s event will involve anally absorbing a half pint of water before projecting it over a bar into a glass on the other side. The bar will be progressively raised until a clear winner is found.

Top prize will be a bronze casting of the winner’s posterior fashioned by internationally-acclaimed sculptor Arsene Svinkta. There will also be four runner-up prizes of an all expenses paid weekend for two in Pratt’s Bottom.

Event organiser Rear Admiral Sir Arthur Bumley said: “We’re hoping that Saturday will be a jolly good day out. Besides the fountaineering, there’ll be sideshows, rides for the kids and a beer tent where the adults can go and get rat-arsed.”.

OBITUARY

ARTEMIS SUCCUMBS

It is with deep sorrow that we report the passing of Artemis the hamster, who died last night in his cage in Traubert’s Heath.

Artemis, a one-year-old brown and white Syrian, was shot by an unknown assailant while playing in his wheel on August 19th. He went into a coma after the attack and never regained consciousness.

His owner, 29-year-old carpet fitter Lance Periwinkle, is said to be distraught and staying with relatives at an undisclosed address.

Tributes were led by Polly Fonnick, owner of Polly’s Pets in Froghill’s Station Precinct, who said: "I remember when Artemis was born. He was the runt of a litter of nine and quite shockingly ugly. I thought I’d never be able to sell him and would have to use him as food for the piranhas. But then, just in the nick of time, Mr Periwinkle came and bought him.

I remember one time Lance had to get Artemis a new wheel because he’d literally burned out his old one. That’s the kind of vivacious, fun-loving creature he grew up to be.”

Artemis will be interred in a special plot in St Mark’s churchyard on Friday morning, when local band Pimply Head will play This Wheel's on Fire in his honour.

DAISY PULLED UP BY POLICE

Police raided a two-bedroomed house in Hollybush Lane, Froghill, last Saturday evening, where they found 600 cannabis plants being grown. The plants were estimated to have a street value of tens of thousands of pounds.

Homeowner Daisy Cutter, 110, was arrested on the premises and taken to Froghill Police Station for questioning.

Arresting officer DS Geoff Bunton, said: “We’ve known for some time that Ms Cutter is partial to a puff or two and we’ve always turned a blind eye.

“But there’s a difference between a recreational spliff now and then and cultivation on this scale. This lot is positively industrial.”

Later however, police were inclined to treat Froghill’s oldest resident leniently, releasing her with a caution on condition that she surrender all her plants.

“It’s such a shame, it took me ages to grow them,” said Ms Cutter sadly as two burly policemen ripped up her handiwork in the conservatory, “and it cost a small fortune in Baby Bio.”

“I mean, what with food, heating bills and my regular copy of Spanker’s Digest, my pension hardly stretches to a quarter of an ounce a month. That’s why I went into cultivation.

“It was all for personal use," she added, "it never even occurred to me to sell it,”

DOG SAVES TOSSER IN KITCHEN

A Cheetingham woman has praised her pet dog for saving her life after falling batter blocked her passages.

Beverley Arnquist, 37, of Tudor Vale, was alone in her kitchen when the freak accident occurred.

“I was making pancakes,” said Beverley, “to have them ready for my husband when he came home from work. I already had a sizeable number made and was in the middle of a particularly good toss when everything went black and I don’t remember any more.

“The next thing I knew, I was in hospital.”

By sheer fluke, the pancake Mrs Arnquist had tossed came down upon her head. The moist batter flopped over her face, blocking both her nose and mouth. She fell unconscious, and that might well have been the end of things, had it not been for her pet dachshund Patches.

Alerted by the sound of his mistress’ falling body, Patches came trotting in from the garden. Realising immediately that something was amiss, he started eating the batter from around Mrs Arnquist’s nose. He then stood on her chest to check that she was breathing.

However, on receiving no reaction to a resuscitating fart delivered directly into her nostrils, Patches knew that he had not a moment to lose.

He rushed into the hallway and clambered up onto the telephone seat. Knocking the receiver onto the floor with his nose, he then hit the speed dial button with one front paw.

The machine dialled Mr Arnquist at his office. Upon hearing his master’s voice at the other end, Patches barked frantically into the mouthpiece.

“I knew something was very wrong by the nature of his barking,” said Brian Arnquist, “so I immediately jumped into the car and drove home.

“It’s lucky that I did. By the time I got home, Beverley was turning blue.”

Mrs Arnquist was taken to Froghill General, where she was kept in overnight for observation.

Now back home and convalescing nicely, Mrs Arnquist knows that Patches is the reason she is still here. When asked how she would thank him, she replied: “I’m not sure, what can you do in a situation like this?"

Then she added: “but I do know that he’s very fond of pancakes, so I might just go into the kitchen and see what I can toss up.”

TOWELING FOR ARTS CENTRE

Visit the Froghill Arts Centre this Friday for the opportunity to hear one of Britain’s greatest living novelists as well as a variety of other writers.

The 'Moving Lips 06' event will offer up a smorgasbord of subjects, ranging from tapir tickling in Paraguay to bladder bursting in New Zealand; from a biography of Elton Ben to the memoirs of a chip fat enthusiast in Grimsby.

The day will culminate with celebrated author J.K. Toweling reading from her new novel Hairy Porter and the Collar of Astrakhan.

Tickets for the event are £62.50 (children £70). Entrance is free to the unemployed, the deaf and people possessing an IQ of less than 40.

SUSPICIOUS SAUSAGE CLOSES STATION

Froghill station was closed for more than an hour on Tuesday after reports of a suspicious package being left on a platform bench. Police were alerted at about 2.50pm by a passenger who noticed a man behaving suspiciously and leaving the package before boarding a London-bound train.

Police closed the station for about 90 minutes and the building was evacuated in the interests of pubic safety. All services in and out of Froghill were halted.

Bomb disposal experts remotely detonated the package at around 3.30pm. It proved to contain an 8lb Cumberland sausage which, having been evenly roasted in the blast, was shared out among station staff.

“It was delicious,’ said part-time porter Paddy Porter, “and, by sheer coincidence, I’d called in at the shops on my way to work that morning and had some Dijon mustard in my locker.”

FIVE GO TO THE ABBATOIR

Five lucky customers of a Withering butcher’s have been treated to a once in a lifetime trip to a local slaughterhouse.

Organised by shop owner Charles Bingley, the trip celebrated the reopening of his premises, which burned down last spring in a ballooning accident. He said: "Customers could register for the trip on our website. We picked five names at random and gave the lucky ones a day to remember."

Group members watched enthusiastically as cattle were led into barred pens, electrically killed and then dismembered at the facility in Traubert’s Heath. They were also given the opportunity to prod the condemned animals with a stick and to throw the switch that turned on the current.

At the end of a highly enjoyable day, each of the five participants received a souvenir bag of offal and a cow’s udder hat.

MISSING MAN FOUND

A man who had been missing for two weeks has turned up safe and well.

Willy Standing, 35, of Bracewell Road, Cheetingham, was reported missing by his wife after he failed to return from a night at his local pub.

Police launched an appeal to help find Willy, who reappeared on Monday morning.

A spokesman for Froghill Constabulary said: "Mr Standing walked into Froghill Police Station at around 9am on Monday morning. Though he was covered in dry mud and bird droppings, he appeared to be in good health.

"This is not the first time we have been called upon to find Mr Standing, who last disappeared in July.

"It seems that on this occasion he had spent the period living in a disused housemartin’s nest under the eaves of his own home," said the spokesman.

PRANKSTERS BURN RUBBISH BIN

Pranksters were almost certainly behind a rubbish bin fire which broke out in Froghill town centre on Sunday evening.

A wire mesh bin full of paper, cigarette packets and lolly sticks was gutted by the blaze, which occurred outside Veejay’s News in Bellhammer Road.

Over seven people flooded to the scene, some bringing potatoes which they tossed into the fire to roast.

Firefighter Ted Denbigh said: "We were called to the scene around 8.30 on Sunday evening, by which time the bin was well and truly ablaze."

“It took us more than a minute to douse the flames, some of which were licking over the top of the bin. At one point it looked as if the shop’s window might have been scorched.

“There’s no question in my mind that this was a deliberate act,” he added. “In my experience, rubbish bins do not spontaneously combust.”

Police have issued a statement saying they want to talk to a group of teenagers who were seen bending over and lowering their trousers near the scene of the fire.

DS Geoff Bunton of Froghill Constabulary said: "We have reason to believe that the culprits were attempting to light their farts and then use their bottoms as blowtorches.

“This is known among young people as ‘arse-on’ and it marks a new and particularly disturbing trend in juvenile delinquency.

"We can only be thankful that no one was hurt in the incident."

Anyone with information about Sunday’s blaze should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

The Froghill Amateur Dramatic Society

FADS

presents

2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY

at St. Mark's Church Hall, Froghill

at 8pm, on Fri Sep 22 and Sat Sep 23, 2006

Tickets: £5 (adv) and £6 (on the door). Contact Daphne Stephenson on 0372 44719 or Pam Blackwell on 0372 41623, after 6pm.

All proceeds will be donated to the ‘Save Artemis the Hamster’ Campaign

TV’s BABS DISPLAYS BOLLARDS IN TOWN CENTRE

Shoppers and celebrity stalkers alike made a beeline for Froghill town centre last weekend as TV actress Barbara Windors unveiled two new bollards. Ms Windors, famous for her role as Piggy Mitchell in popular soap Rearenders, pulled the cord at The Beeches on Saturday afternoon.

The two cast iron posts, inscribed with the town motto ‘In Frog We Trust’, stand at the entrance to Uppier Passage on the north side of the precinct. Each one is four feet high and implanted with razor wire. They have been erected by order of the town council to deter skateboarders from using the area as a practice space.

Despite driving rain and winds which threatened to dislodge her trademark blonde beehive, Ms Windors entertained the crowds with knockabout Cockney humour before unveiling the twin pillars.

“Ooh, I say!” she exclaimed as the drapes fell smoothly aside, “What a lovely pair of bollards!”

SMALL BATTERIES 'FOWL' POLICE CUSTODY PLAN

Plans for new custodial accommodation to alleviate the overcrowded conditions at Froghill Police Station have had to be scrapped.

Police have long been up against it when it comes to incarcerating miscreants due to a shortage of cells in the existing station building.

Froghill Constabulary had hoped to ease the problem by detaining suspects at a battery chicken farm in nearby Swansdike Road. The facility was to have acted as a ‘drunk tank’ on Friday and Saturday nights.

However, the plans have had to be abandoned after an independent enquiry concluded that the cages were “just too small”, particularly given that both inmate and chicken would have been sharing the same space.

Commenting on the decision, Chief Inspector Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman told the Observer that although the plans would not now go ahead, he was all in favour of such measures.

“So what if the damn cages are too small?" he asked. "Poke the yobboes in with a great, big stick, lock the door and throw the key away."

“Guilty until proven innocent, that’s my motto. Treat ‘em leniently and you’ll just be storing up problems for the future. Short, sharp shock – it's the only language they understand."

Asked if that was his final word on the matter, the Chief Inspector added: "Is it hell! We should have every single one of the bastards horsewhipped. Douse 'em in petrol and set fire to ‘em. Cut their goolies off with a rusty knife and feed the fleshy bits to the dogs.”

When asked why he was shouting, Inspector Hardman looked blank for a moment, mumbled something about pressure of work and then hastily excused himself.

DEAR AMY

Something worrying you? Need to tell someone? Then why not write to Amy for advice?

IS MY BOYFRIEND BARKING UP THE WRONG TREE?

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nearly three months now. He is a nice boy and I love him but recently he seems to have changed. I ring him up and suggest getting together and he says he can’t make it. When I ask why, he says that he has to take his Alsatian dog for a walk. If I ask to come along too, he says no. I’ve also noticed a funny smell about him recently, a sort of wet, musty smell.

Please help – I don’t know why he’s gone off me and I don’t know what to do.

19 and worried,
Swansdike

Amy writes: There’s an old saying that a man’s best friend is his dog. Yet with some men this can go too far and develop into a condition called Muttophilia. This often affects younger men (I assume that your boyfriend is about the same age as you) who can become overwhelmed by the unconditional nature of their dog’s love. As they start to spend more and more time with their animals, so they themselves begin to develop canine tendencies.

There are several simple ways for you to check if your boyfriend is suffering from Muttophilia. Go to your local butchers and buy a large bone. Give it to your boyfriend and watch his reaction. Do his eyes light up? Does he start to slaver? Does he immediately take it out into the garden and dig a hole? Does he take it onto the doormat and snarl if you come near him?

You might also try to surreptitiously measure his dog’s bottom. The average rectal diameter for the breed you mention is around two centimeters. Anything significantly greater can often be attributed to Muttophilia.

Muttophiliacs are sick people and need professional help. However, the good news is that a support group exists and has a local branch. Write to:

Mr Rex Wagtail
Froghill Area Reformed Muttophiliacs Society (FARMS)
Dogrose Lane
Froghill FR2 3GW

Or e-mail doggone@blackmail.com

CHARITY HAMSTER BALL IN FROGHILL

Pimply Head, a tribute to popular beat combo Simply Red, will be the highlight of a charity ball in Froghill dedicated to raising funds for the ‘Save Artemis the Hamster’ campaign.

The ball will be held at the Froghill Assembly Rooms on September 15, from 7pm to 8.25pm.

The evening will also feature a raffle with prizes including a luxury holiday for two in the Falklands, a hamster suit designed by Stella McCartney and a scale model of Scotland.

Tickets are available at £527 per person on a first come first served basis.

For tickets please call Lance Periwinkle on 338 7514 or e-mail sadgit@blackmail.com

FROGHILL COUNCIL'S COLDLINE

Frustrated callers say they are putting the phone down on Froghill Council because of slow response times.

Callers to the council's scabies helpline said they were left hanging on for days while others received only a recorded message and then a loop tape of Saturday Night’s Alright For Farting by Elton Ben.

Council figures show that less than 3.7% of calls in the past six months were answered by a live human while a whopping 99% of callers reported experiencing a severe allergic reaction to Elton Ben.

The Council blames its problems on a variety of factors including chronic alcoholism among call centre staff and a lack of pencils with little pink erasers on the end.

Commenting on their poor performance figures, a Council spokesman said: “We’re doing everything we can to put things right.

"A junior staff member has been sent to W.H. Smith to buy six new pencils out of petty cash and we’ve put up a notice forbidding our employees to drink alcohol in the toilets.

"Our background music has also been changed. Waiting callers will now be able to hear a medley of Christina Aguilera hits sung by Bernard Manning."

Have you had problems getting through to Froghill Council? If so, ring their Hold On Hotline on 0372 45555. Calls will be charged at £15 a minute.

MAN BURIED 75 YEARS AFTER DEATH

A Cheetingham man has been laid to rest 75 years after he died in a freak accident.

Jacob Smethurst, of Culver's Lane, met his end on August 28, 1931, after receiving lacerations to his scrotum from a heat-enraged tapir. He was alone at the time of the attack, sitting in a tin bath in the scullery.

The tapir, which had earlier escaped from Zeferelli’s Circus, entered Mr Smethurst’s home through the open back door. Finding Mr Smethurst naked and defenceless, the animal bit him several times before making its escape.

The resulting wounds became infected, leading to testicular imbalance and pubic reversal. Mr Smethurst eventually succumbed after contracting St. Vitus' Penis, a rare but fatal condition.

Upon receiving his death certificate, Mr Smethurst was placed in a sack, taken to a Froghill taxidermist and stuffed. He was then mounted in the hallway of the family home where, for the next three-quarters of a century, he served as an umbrella stand and conversation piece.

Attending yesterday’s funeral at St Luke’s, Cheetingham, Mr Smethurst’s great-granddaughter Shelley said: "Today is the day when we finally bury my great-grandfather. This is something we should have done a long time ago."

The Smethhurst family made the decision to bury Jacob after one of his arms broke off under the weight of a particularly heavy umbrella.

STEAKS ARE HIGH AT FROGHILL RESTAURANT

A Froghill restaurant is preparing to celebrate all things bovine with its week-long ‘Go for the Bull’ festival.

The Ponderosa steak house in Wellington Street will host the event from September 17th to 23rd. Customers will be able enjoy roast beef, sizzling steaks and a whole lot more.

"We’ll have sirloins, T-Bones and shanks and you can be sure that we'll be doing something extra special with our rumps," said Ponderosa manager Ray Bentos.

"Besides the more traditional dishes, there will be festival specialities, like Vitality Soup, an invigorating broth made from bull’s sperm and Bovril.

"And you'll be sure to fall for Beef Richards," said Mr Bentos, "our tasty combination of porterhouse steak and palm leaves. Or get into a Gaberdene Angus, where your fillet comes wrapped in a pastry raincoat.

“And don't think we're catering only for the carnivores,” he added. “For customers who prefer a vegetarian option, our chefs have created Steak Glastonbury, a dish featuring animals fed exclusively on tofu and bean sprouts.”

Highlight of the week will be a floor show featuring Wrangling Tex Overy, a real-life cowboy from Beaver Creek, Wyoming.

Each evening, Tex will enter the restaurant on Tracker, his trusty palamino, and round up a herd of steers released earlier from the kitchen.

He will then lasso and slaughter one animal before building a camp fire and serenading diners with a selection of Country and Western favourites.

"So mosey on down to the Ponderosa," said Mr Bentos, "where we aim to prove that there's more to chuck steak than just throwing up a hamburger."

CHANGE FOR GOOD - 10 TIPS TO IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH

According to recent research, even little changes in your lifestyle can radically affect your health and general wellbeing.

Professor O.B. Citee, chief necrophiliac at the Withering Institute of Lifestyle Technology (WILT), has published a study which shows that even the simplest of steps can lead to major improvements in your overall health.

So here, exclusively to the Observer, are 10 practical tips to blow away the blues and put you in the pink:

1. USE THE STAIRS

Use the stairs to your office rather than the lift. Using the stairs will raise your heart rate and burn more calories. If you happen to work on the ground floor, have a high-rise desk installed and use a system of pulleys to get to your work surface.

2. DO SOME HOUSEWORK

We all have to do housework and we can all benefit from it. Strapping the vacuum cleaner to your back rather than pulling it can raise your heart rate and tone your muscles. And when it comes to cleaning the toilet, you can double the number of calories burned by gripping the brush between your back teeth rather than in your hand.

3. WALK TO WORK

If you live less than 40 miles from your workplace, why not consider walking to work instead of driving? Besides the obvious benefits in terms of increased exercise, you’ll be starting each day with several lungfuls of good, fresh smog. And you won’t be bothered by unemployed people with squeegee mops when you stop at the lights, either.

4. HAVE A GOOD BREAKFAST

Many people skip breakfast due to lack of time. This is a mistake, as breakfast truly is the most important meal of the day. So make sure you get lots to eat each morning – deep-fried woodland creatures not only provide all the fatty acids our bodies need, they also have a high nut content. Adding a few raisins or a chopped banana to a bowlful of squirrels will make a balanced and nourishing start to the day.

5. GET ENOUGH SLEEP

Eight hours' sleep is essential to the health of body and mind alike. So find a back room or cupboard at work that no-one uses. Or equip one of the drawers in your filing cabinet with a pillow and a blanket. That way you can sleep in comfort without fear of being disturbed. This is particularly crucial if you like to indulge in a spot of masturbation before dozing off.

6. PUMP SOME IRON

For as little as £125, you can buy a pair of anvils, each of which weighs 50 kilos. With these you can tone and sculpt the body, pull muscles, stretch tendons and snap sinews. A little known fact is that dropping heavy weights on the feet improves circulation and increases physical resilience.

7. DRINK ENOUGH WATER

Aim to drink at least 11 gallons of water a day, as even mild dehydration can lead to violent mood swings and homicidal tendencies. A liberal intake of water increases fluid retention and exercises the bladder. It also promotes vitality and allows you to sail small boats in your stomach during idle moments at work.

8 LAUGH MORE

Allow for a generous amount of laughter in your daily routine. Research shows that people who regularly laugh heartily are three to four times more likely to wet themselves than those who don’t.

9. THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK

Remember that anything over 15 pints of beer at lunchtime can decrease productivity and impair driving skills. Aim only to drink what you could comfortably fit into a regular household bucket. Another useful piece of advice is to avoid drinking alcohol altogether at breakfast.

10. WATCH YOUR WEIGHT

People with sedentary lifestyles run the risk of piling on the pounds. You can counteract this by lunching on low-calorie foods like dandelions, cigarette ends or damp blotting paper. Alternatively, shed excess fat by removing one of your arms or legs with a sharp knife. Remember, however, to include iron-rich foods in your diet to counteract the blood loss.

PLANS TO CONVERT LISTED BUILDING INTO LUXURY TOILET

The new owners of a Grade II listed building in Froghill are looking to convert it into a multi-storey public convenience.

The former warehouse, which is entitled to listed status due to its age, has been bought by developers Site-U-Like.

Reg Handy, Chief Planning Officer for Site-U-Like said: “Froghill is woefully under-resourced when it comes to conveniences for the public. The existing facility in St Alfege Street was built over a century ago, in 1897. As such, it simply cannot cope with either the volume or the composition of 21st century effluent.

“We have sought planning permission for a six-storey, multi-bowl facility which can accommodate up to 72 users at any one time. Each of its carpeted cubicles will feature a semi-elliptical, ermine-lined seat, a hi-tech flush panel and whirlpool suction waste removal. There will also be a choice of TV channels along with a mini bar and buffet service.

“What will be truly revolutionary,” added Mr Handy, “is that the front wall of the building will be made entirely of glass, allowing seated users an unobstructed view over Froghill High Street.”

Not everyone shares Mr Handy’s enthusiasm for the project, however. Concerned resident Maureen Digbeth said: "I think the building they’re proposing will be an eyesore. It will be completely out of character with its surroundings.”

“And I really can’t imagine that anyone walking along the High Street will want to look at six floors of people sitting on the loo, munching on canapés.”

A final decision will be made on the Site-U-Like application some time in early November.

OBITUARY

TRIBUTES PAID TO LOCAL SQUIRREL MAN

Over nine people have paid tribute to a Froghill man who was nationally renowned as an expert on squirrel culling.

Redfers Nuthatch, who distinguished himself in the army before retiring with the rank of major, has died aged 82. Major Nuthatch, who was organiser and founder of the Froghill Animal Research Trust, died yesterday in a freak accident involving a toilet roll and a jar of Marmite.

Tributes were led by fellow FARTer Sir Hugh Ffyffes-Banana, who said: "He was an absolute genius at devising animal traps and knew more than any man alive about preparing rodents for the pot.

"He was also bloody cruel to animals and a very amusing person to be with. An all-round good egg, really."

Major Nuthatch will be interred in St Mark’s churchyard next Monday morning, when a lone bugler will play the theme music to Secret Squirrel in his honour.

ST WINIFRED’S CHILDREN IN CONDOM HAMSTER BENEFIT

Seventy-five children turned would-be record breakers yesterday when they crawled inside a single condom. The condom, which was ribbed and strawberry-flavoured, stretched to over 25 feet long but did not break or tear.

But the children will have to wait for a week or more to find out if their prophylactic project has won them a mention in the Guinness Book of Records.

The current world record of 71 children inside a condom at one time was set by a Danish scout troupe back in 1995.

Yesterday's bid took place in St Winifred’s School Hall as part of a ‘Save Artemis the Hamster’ campaign. Artemis, the beloved pet of Traubert’s Heath resident Lance Periwinkle, remains in a coma after being shot with a crossbow two weeks ago.

St Winifred’s headmaster Michael Bannister said: “The initiative came entirely from the children. The Year Fives are studying unusual feats and came across information about the Danish record holders in the course of their studies.

“And what with everyone being concerned at Artemis’ condition, they came up with the idea of a sponsored attempt on the condom record as a fundraiser for him.

“I think our pupils have a good chance of making it into the Guinness Book of Records,” added a confident Mr Bannister.

“Not only did our kids beat the existing record by four, but 73 of them got out alive, whereas the Danes lost over a dozen when they tried it.”

SUCCESSFUL TEENAGER TO ‘SWAT’ AT US COLLEGE

Hard work has paid off for a dedicated teenager who is to enrol at America’s prestigious Finkelstein University of Creepy Crawly Eradication, Reduction and Suppression (FUCCERS) in Yew Bend, Indiana.

Lucy Podmore, 17, of Appleton Close, Froghill, secured one of just 10 places offered annually by the world-renowned centre for insecticide studies.

Lucy first took up fly swatting at the age of five and then progressed to pulling the legs off spiders. By nine, she’d become All-England Worm-Chopping champion, a title she was to hold for four years running.

Said Lucy: “It just came naturally to me. Somehow I was able to chop a worm into more pieces than anyone else without having the creature die in the process.”

Her father, architect Ralph Podmore, who has always encouraged his daughter’s terminating tendencies, told the Observer that he was thrilled when Lucy received the news.

“I was thrilled when Lucy received the news,” he said.

Once in the US, Lucy hopes to specialise in wasp trap design and mosquito neutering before putting her skills to good use in the developing world.

When asked how she planned to celebrate her success, an overjoyed Lucy replied: “I'm not sure – it hasn’t really sunk in yet.

“But I think I might spend the evening electrocuting cockroaches.”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

As someone who regularly cycles down Buckminster Close, I feel I must rise up in support of Froghill Council’s stand on Mr Snoad’s penis (Observer, August 28th).

Every time I go past on my bike, the prospect of seeing his oversized phallus forces me to pull down my helmet. This makes it very hard for me and I’m frightened that one day I might come off as a result.

Moreover, during the daytime, there are usually children out in the Close, playing with their balls against the fence which borders No. 2. Now I ask you, is this massive erection the sort of thing we want our youngsters to see?

I'd like to make it clear that I am not just one isolated busybody spouting off. Many Withering residents will agree that Mr Snoad's outrageous member was in need of raising publicly.

Now that this issue has come to a head, I can only hope that Mr Snoad will heed the Council’s notice and start behaving like an upright citizen.

Yours indignantly,

Richard Wadd

Withering

THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

Ant Farm. 150 acres, incl. 3-bed farmhouse and outbuildings. Folds up small enough to fit in car boot. Any reasonable offer considered. D. Ludid, 0372 49915.

Bumper Book of Irish Insults. Tell them they stink of garlic in Gaelic! Call them an arse in Erse! £1.75. R. Fockett, 446 2799.

Car Battery. Latest design from Scandinavia, almost totally flat. Still under manufacturer’s warranty. £875. Phone Ray Lyte-Dobbery, 446 2914.

Conger Eel. Housetrained, vaccinated. Eats anything, very good with children. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Call in at Rayling’s Farm, Swansdike.

Dragon's Egg. Slight crack in shell. £5. Willy Hatch, 446 2814.

Exercise Book. 200 pages, ruled with margin. Inlaid staples. Contains handwritten first draft of The Canterbury Tales. Offers? Phone Geoff Chawser on 0732 42733.

Fabergé omelette. No.6 in a limited edition of one. Great conversation piece. Phone J. Faber on 0372 42953, after 6 or at weekends.

For Sale. Car boot. £21. Also, self-adhesive rocket launcher for Daf 33 Variomatic. Unwanted birthday gift. Offers? Phone 0372 47751.

Junior Highwayman’s Outfit. Includes mask, tricorn, flintlock and balls. £65. Phone Stan Dandy-Liver, 388 7122.

Miniature Aqualung. Would suit hamster or shallow breather. Tested to five atmospheres. £350. D. Schwimmer, 0372 45518.

Othello – the fun game for all the family. Counters missing, hence low price of £250. Des D. Moner, 0372 49614.

Penny Farthing bicycle. Many extras. New baby forces sale. £125.84 ovno. Phone Vic Taurean on 388 7286.

Saturn 5 rocket. Pearl Grey with black trim. One careful owner, very economical. MoT and tax until Feb ‘07. £27.5m ono. Phone B. Aldrin on 255 6291.

Simon and Garfunkel. Veteran 60’s songsmiths, still in good working order. Might consider selling separately. Offers? Phone Cecilia on 446 2714.

Tea bag, Orange Pekoe. Fine mesh construction, extra long string. Used once only. £16.50 ono. Phone 255 6138, ask for Herb L.N. Fusion.