TEN TIPS FOR SAVING MONEY THIS WINTER

With the dark days of winter soon upon us and the cost of living rising every day, careful balancing of the household budget is vital. So here are ten tips from home economics expert Pennie Pincher to help you when it comes to making those crucial savings.

1. Slash your meat bills by serving cat. It's lean, nutritious, easy to kill and freely available, especially after midnight in built-up areas.

2. Save on heating by investing in a tube of extra strong mints. Suck one, stick out your tongue and in no time you'll have a room that's as warm as toast.

3. Keep your dustbin in the sitting room and burn the contents every evening. This not only reduces heating costs but allows you to bake potatoes at the same time, thereby cutting down on cooking bills too.

4. Stand wet tea bags around the base of your dustbin. They will dry nicely when you have your evening fire and can be reused the following day.

5. Use old newspapers instead of buying expensive bedclothes. Homeless people have been doing it for years and it's never done them any harm.

6. Keep old navel fluff for stuffing cushions.

7. Have all the family use the same bathwater. After they finish, save the water and use it for making tea.

8. Rinse out condoms in the morning and they'll be ready for use again by evening. Be careful not to use hot water however, as this will cause them to stretch and lose their flavour.

9. Pre-chew food for elderly members of the family. This will allow them to conserve vital energy for the purpose of keeping warm. As a bonus, it will also reduce wear and tear on ageing dentures.

10. Avoid washing altogether during cold weather – a protective layer of dirt is ideal for sealing in body heat. It can also be used to grow vegetables like carrots and turnips in the soft folds of flesh behind the knees and around the groin.