FROGHILL’S OLDEST RECOVERING AFTER TANKER SHEDS ITS LOAD

Daisy Cutter, who at 110 years old is Froghill’s oldest resident, has been injured in a freak accident involving a sewage tanker.

The incident occurred on Monday as Ms Cutter was sitting smoking in the front room of her home in Hollybush Lane.

A police spokesman said that the accident happened because the sewage tanker driver was speeding. “He was doing at least 120 mph,” said the spokesman, “which is four times the 30 mph limit imposed on Hollybush Lane.

“The accident seems to have been caused by a squirrel which was foraging in a tree overhead. It lost its grip on its nuts and, in trying to grab hold of them, fell into the path of the lorry beneath.”

The driver swerved, causing his vehicle to mount the pavement. It ploughed through Ms Cutter’s privet hedge before colliding with the large cast-iron statue of Bob Marley which graces her front lawn. The impact caused the valve on the vehicle’s main tank to burst open, inundating Ms Cutter’s house with 500 gallons of effluent.

“Ms Cutter was very lucky to escape with her life,” said the spokesman. “However, being stoned, she offered no resistance and the incoming tide bore her through the house and out the French windows at the back.”

Ms Cutter was taken to Froghill General, where she was disinfected, given an industrial-strength enema and then treated for shock. She is currently being kept in for observation and is said to be as well as can be expected.

The lorry driver, who was identified as Barry Keogh from Plumstead, South London, was killed instantly when he was skewered on one of the statue’s upraised dreadlocks.

The accident comes less than a week after the Observer reported on the controversial traffic calming measures proposed for the area by Froghill Council.

“What happened to Daisy makes it glaringly obvious that something needs to be done and done quick,” said local resident Duncan Waghorn.

“After all, if we have another accident like this one we could all be in the shit.”