UNCONSCIOUS RHINO SHOCKS WOMAN

A Swansdike woman has told of her shock at waking to find a heavily drugged rhinoceros propped against her front door.

Imogen Ball believes that its presence was probably the work of animal rights activitists but says she has no idea why her house was targeted.

She added that it was purely chance which prevented her six-year-old daughter from opening the front door last Monday morning.

“Normally Katie goes to the front door first to pick up the milk,” said Mrs Ball. “However that morning she wanted to complete some surgery to her Hello Kitty that she’d started the previous evening.”

A fully-grown rhino can weigh over three metric tons and the comatose animal was arranged so that it was exerting considerable pressure on the door.

Mrs Ball said: “As I came down the stairs I realised that something was very wrong. The front door was buckling and making a sinister creaking noise. It was only the top and bottom bolts that were holding it in place. So I went to the sitting room window to have a look.

“Imagine my astonishment when I saw a fully grown rhinoceros leaning against my door! What’s more, the animal seemed to be having some kind of erotic dream, as it was groaning audibly and its male member was twitching.”

Investigating officer DS Geoff Bunton said: “We received a 999 call at 8.45 a.m. on Monday, reporting a rhinoceros leaning against a house front in Swansdike. We immediately arranged for heavy lifting gear to be deployed at the scene and the animal was moved without its ever regaining consciousness.

“It is not uncommon for animal rights activists to kidnap animals in the misguided belief that the creatures can cope in the wild. Larger animals are drugged to make them more docile in transit.

"We are currently contacting research facilities around the country to see if any of them is missing a rhino.

“We have the animal tethered in the bike shed behind Froghill Police Station and will keep it there until someone claims responsibility for it. It is now awake but the poor thing is bleating piteously and clearly has a serious hangover.

“One of the WPCs is making it a fried breakfast. I only hope rhinos like baked beans, otherwise I'm not quite sure what we shall do.”