YOUR WEEK IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
These days, money seems to be running through your fingers faster than you can keep hold of it. But take heart – this week will see you miss the lottery jackpot by just one number. And while this may do nothing to alleviate your financial difficulties, it will prove to you just how fortunate you really are. Look at it this way: if you had won all that money, you might well have ended up living next to the Beckhams.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarians are placid people and you’ll need all the reserves of calm you can muster this week. What starts as a misunderstanding at work will spiral into an orgy of recriminations and violence. Blessed are the peacemakers, however, and your unruffled nature will leave you ideally placed to arbitrate between the warring factions. Should your best efforts fail, then you’d be well advised to sneak back to your workplace under cover of darkness and torch the place. That’ll teach them not to be so petty.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
The suspicions you’ve been harbouring for the last few months turn out to be true this week, as you discover that a loved one has indeed been unfaithful to you. Dealing with spousal infidelity is always tough, especially when the other party is a cherished family pet. Restraint and patience are called for, as is a trip to the vet to have the bastard animal put down. Your lucky number is 81.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)
The influence of Mercury on Uranus will lead to a massive and painful swelling of your buttocks this week, especially as we move towards the weekend. While a rapidly expanding posterior should give you no real cause for concern, it’s still best to go out and buy some new furniture in advance of the event. Choose chairs with reinforced frames or, better still, an industrial hoist. Expect to be unable to fit into the shower on Friday.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)
This week sees a retrograde Saturn in your sign and the effects of this can be unpredictable. You might just have a normal week. Then again, you might find yourself dressing as a piece of Black Forest gateau and singing bawdy songs to the commuters waiting at your local bus stop. Whatever you do, enjoy it – such behaviour doesn’t mean that your sanity is slipping or that your home life is breaking up. Avoid people in white coats around the middle of the week.

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)
As a naturally kind and compassionate person, you always see the good side of people before you see the bad. However, this means you are often regarded as an easy touch, as that unwanted set of week-by-week encyclopedias in the spare room goes to prove. But with Mars in the ascendant, all this is set to change. You will find yourself becoming more cynical, pugnacious and aggressive this week, and this can only be to the good. Your lucky flower is the pansy.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
As a robust and outgoing Taurean, nothing seems to faze you. And you will need all that equanimity this week as you discover that your employer has been dipping into the firm’s pension scheme and that your total savings now amount to only £3.87. This means that your lifelong plans for an early retirement and a cruise around the Caribbean are in tatters. The good news is that the price of baked beans is set to fall sometime around midweek.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Your star sign is the twins, and this testifies to a duality in your nature. This does however mean that you can be prone to indecision. You might be tempted to confide in a close friend this week. Then again, you might not. Alternatively, you could just hold your peace and say nothing to anyone. On the other hand, you could take out an ad in the paper and tell the whole world. If you choose this course of action, it would be best to do so anonymously. But then again, what the hell, why not sign your name at the bottom anyway?

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)
The new moon rising has a profound influence on your behaviour this week. You will find yourself prone to strange, restless urges as dusk begins to fall, and this will be followed by rapid bouts of hair growth and a lengthening of your canine teeth. Expect to wake up in the morning feeling guilty, with the taste of meat in your mouth and no recollection of what happened the night before. News of a hellbeast loose in your area will give you food for thought around midweek. You will be shot with a silver bullet on Saturday.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)
Leos are passionate and demonstrative creatures, who love nothing more than to make a bold and ostentatious gesture. So why not serenade your loved one on a grand scale? Rent a full-size replica of the Hindenburg, write the words ‘I Love You’ down the side and then fly low over their house. To top it all off, shower their roof with three tons of roses while playing Your Song at full volume over the onboard tannoy system. You should expect to find yourself a good lawyer around midweek.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
As a shy and retiring sort, you’ve always felt that you have more in common with plants than with other human beings. Expect the vegetable side of your nature to come to the fore this week, as your hair begins to turn leafy and sturdy young shoots sprout from all four limbs. This should give you no cause for alarm, but you will need to plan accordingly, perhaps by going to the bank and withdrawing all your money. This should allow you to fly to a sunny locale where you can indulge your photosynthetic inclinations undisturbed. Your lucky colour is green.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libras are naturally diplomatic. Or at least that’s what you’ve always been told. But sometimes you just want to get out there, stand up and say to hell with everyone’s feelings. So why not get together with your loved one, steal a car and then leave a trail of bloodshed and havoc as you crisscross the country robbing banks? Yes, it’ll end with you both dying in a hail of bullets, but so what? It will have been fun while it lasted. Your lucky vehicle is a 1997 Jaguar XJS.

IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

A lot has happened to you since your last birthday just over a year ago. And there are a lot of good things still in store. So put the death of the tortoise behind you and set your face to the future. Only good can come of it.