OPERA TROUPE TRIUMPHS OVER ERECT NIPPLES AND ELEPHANTS

The Swansdike Non-professional Operatic Troupe (SNOT) will be presenting their own unique rendition of Verdi's Egyptian extravaganza Aïda next weekend at St Mark’s Hall.

The production represents four months of hard work and perseverance by the cast and their long-suffering director, Barry Toane.

“We have had one or two logistical problems, I must admit,” Mr Toane confided to the Observer last week.

“What with the skimpy costumes and the erratic heating system at St Mark's, we had regular outbreaks of erect nipples and convulsive shivering during rehearsals. This resulted in some particularly vibrato singing and, in one case, advanced hypothermia.

“Luckily, thanks to a generous donation of out-of-date stock by MacDonald’s Pharm, cast members are now rubbing themselves from head to foot in Deep Heat before going onstage.

“Also, as I'm sure you know, the highlight of the show involves having a live elephant make its entrance on stage.

“Now, clearly, we couldn’t afford a real animal, but our tenor, Miss Bentley, who’s a jolly good sport, agreed to dress up in a latex elephant suit and get down on all fours. Given that she weighs 23 stones, she’s certainly well suited to the role and does look very convincing when she’s in costume.

“Unfortunately, though, she’s a bit shortsighted and can’t see at all well through the narrow eyeslits in the headpiece.

“I can’t think how many times we’ve had to replace the pyramids after she’s blundered into them and once she actually stampeded out the fire exit and into the road outside. It was only tripping over her own trunk that prevented her from being hit by the number 14 to Swansdike, which veered off the road and ploughed through a wall.

"The driver is still receiving treatment for shock and we won't know whether or not he intends to sue until he regains the power of speech."

Mr Toane assured us however that everything will ‘be alright on the night’ and that the troupe's performance of Aïda will be like nothing Froghill has ever seen before.

"Our performance of Aïda will be like nothing Froghill has ever seen before," he said.

The shows will be held at 8pm this Friday (November 10) and Saturday (November 11), with doors open at 7.30. Tickets are £35 in advance and £40 on the door.

Contact Barry Toane on 446 2521.