I OWE MY LIFE TO BOB THE BUILDER

A Withering man has told how a quick-thinking workmate saved his life after he suffered a sudden onset of Anodyne Pop Effect Syndrome (APES).

For Dave Spatchett, 26, last Friday morning started ordinarily enough. He was digging a drainage hole at the Elm Road housing development and listening to Radio 1 on a portable set in the cab of his JCB.

Speaking to the Observer from his bed in Froghill General, Mr Spatchett said: “It was just like any other day, I’d had a good night’s sleep, a nice breakfast and I felt fine.

"Then suddenly, Easy Peasy by the Sugarboobs came on. I remember suddenly feeling really faint and dizzy and I started sweating. After that, it all went blank.”

Dave had, in fact, suffered an attack of APES, an increasingly common condition in which the victim experiences an extreme allergic reaction to a banal pop song.

As he slumped over in his seat, Dave’s right hand nudged the control lever in front of him while his foot simultaneously pressed down on the accelerator. His JCB roared forward, shovel swinging from side to side in front of it.

Careering out of control, it scooped up a Portaloo which stood directly in its way.

“One minute I was having a sit down and a little look at page 3,” said bricklayer Kevin Codpiece, “next minute I’m up in the air, all my tackle on display, with the toilet over me, raining everything down on my head."

“I’ve washed my hair 24 times since Friday morning and I still can’t shift the smell.”

The JCB ploughed on, haydraulic arm swinging, scattering workers as it veered crazily through the mud. Charging through the site hut and then the perimeter fence, it made its way out onto Elm Road. The huge machine started trundling in the direction of the village, grabbing at parked cars as it went.

It snared a small dachshund on the pavement outside Veejay’s News and flung it around by the neck before tossing it yelping into a rubbish skip outside the Barley Mow.

“My poor Bubbles!” said 77-year-old owner Ada Routledge. “I was just walking him down to the shops. I was taking him to buy some doggy chocs, he does love them and he’s been such a good boy lately.

“Well there we were, walking along, when suddenly the lead gets pulled out of my hand and he’s being swung about all over the place by this great big machine. Well, I was that terrified, I couldn’t even scream.

“Thank God that skip was full of old foam rubber, that’s all I can say, otherwise I don’t know what would have happened to him.”

It was then that the hero of the hour stepped forward. Bob Truckleworth, a plasterer at the Elm Road site, emerged from one of the half-completed houses just in time to see the JCB disappearing through the fence. He immediately jumped into a dump truck which was idling nearby and gave chase.

As he drew level with the fugitive digger, Bob could hear the radio playing inside the cab. As luck would have it, he’d read an article about APES in Libellous! magazine only the day before and recognised the symptoms. Leaping across to Dave’s cab with a swift and decisive movement, Bob knew that he had only seconds to come up with a musical antidote.

“There wasn’t a moment to lose, Dave’s face was deathly pale and his breathing was very shallow,” said Bob.

“I held his head in my hands, steering the digger as best I could with my buttocks, and sang the opening bars from Stairway to Heaven directly into his left ear. When I got to the bit about the stores all being closed, he began to come round, thank God.

“I got the JCB under control and managed to park it outside Disc-U-Like. The people in the shop quickly put on Led Zeppelin 4 and turned up the volume to keep him awake until the ambulance came.”

The good news is that with regular prog rock therapy, Dave is expected to make a complete recovery and should be home in time for Christmas. Likewise Bubbles, who is back with his owner after a touch-and-go 24 hours in intensive care.

“The vet said that due to the jerking he received, he’ll probably be 10 feet long for the rest of his life,” said Mrs Routledge, “but apart from that, he’ll be fine.”

And what of the man whose heroic actions saved his workmate’s life?

“It was nothing,” said Bob modestly, “anyone would have done the same. It was just lucky that I’m a Zep fan and can hold a bit of a tune, that’s all.”