BIKINI CAMERA CUTS SPEEDING

Froghill’s only speed camera, now in its second year of operation, is having the desired effect and slowing down drivers on the Swansdike Road.

Figures released by Froghill Constabulary show that only two motorists were caught exceeding the speed limit in the quarter to December 2006. One of these was a partially-sighted man who was unable to read his speedometer, the other was a police patrol driver trying to catch last orders at The Nag’s Head.

Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman, Chief Inspector for the Froghill area, said: "The dramatic decline in speeding violations is obviously welcome news.

"When we installed the camera back in September 2005, the average speed for traffic on that section of road was 165 mph. In its first month of operation alone, over 1,800 motorists were caught on film.

"Worryingly, as the months went by, this figure showed no signs of going down. It quickly became clear to us that the camera was not doing its job.

"We concluded that this was because, in order to have it harmonise with its surroundings, the camera had been concealed inside a model of an old lady carrying a shopping bag. As a consequence, drivers were quite simply failing to notice it.

“So we decided we needed to make the camera more conspicuous. Last autumn, it was given a complete overhaul and it now resembles Berlin Sheraton in a polka dot bikini, standing with her legs apart and licking a lollipop.

“I’m pleased to announce that figures for the end of last year show that this strategy seems to have worked. From our latest statistics, we can infer that average speeds are down and fewer people are exceeding the limit,” the Chief Inspector said.

In a worrying development, however, it appears that an increasing number of male motorists are masturbating as they drive past the newly-refurbished camera.

“The resulting wads of sticky tissues thrown from car windows have led to a number of vehicles skidding and going through the hedge at One Tree Bend," said the Inspector, "so much so, that we are thinking of declaring this stretch of road an Accident Black Spot.

“Or perhaps an Accident White Spot might be more appropriate,” he added, after a moment’s thought.

YOUNG LOVERS’ BOOTS ARE BOOTY FOR THIEVES

Police today warned youngsters parking in the ‘lovers lane’ area of Traubert’s Heath to be on their guard against car boot thieves.

The recent spell of warm weather has seen a sudden increase in boot theft, with young lovers who park in secluded areas having the whole rear section of their vehicles stolen.

A police spokesman said: "Car boots are usually stolen during the spring and summer months. Typically, they are quietly unbolted while the car's occupants are otherwise engaged, perhaps in trying to find a comfortable position or in disentangling themselves from the gear stick.

"Once stolen, these items are farmed out to car boot sales up and down the country, where they are snapped up by professional car thieves. Typically, the boots will be grafted onto stolen vehicles to disguise their identity.

“Mint condition boots are much in demand and can fetch anything up to £2000 each on the black market."

Ways that you can protect your car boot while fornicating in the woods include:

*Filling it with concentrated nitric acid
*Connecting the hinges to your ankle with a piece of string
*Keeping a small crocodile strapped onto the inside of the lid
*Drawing a scary picture of a monster on your rear bumper in luminous pen
*Rigging up a machine gun so that it fires when the lid is opened
*Making love on a bicycle

Anyone with information about crimes involving car boots should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

SCHOOLKIDS TO BE BURGERED FOR A MONTH

Pupils from Cheetingham CE Primary School are to be the first in the country to take part in a radical new experiment in health education.

Faced with the fact that we are rapidly becoming a nation of corpulent couch potatoes, the Froghill Local Education Authority (FLEA) has decided to take action.

“The aim is to tackle the trend towards unhealthy eating by forcing children to eat badly,” said Cheetingham’s headteacher Arnold Plumm. “We reason that familiarity should breed contempt, and that our pupils will choose to eat healthily as a result of their experience.”

The initiative involves the compulsory consumption of hamburgers, chicken nuggets and French fries. All conventional lessons will be cancelled during the month-long experiment, during which teachers will use industrial-strength callipers to stuff as much junk food inside the children as they can.

“The aim is to have pupils put on as much weight as possible,” said Mr Plumm, “with each child being force fed a minimum of 45 quarter pounders per school day, along with three kilograms of fries and a litre of Cajun Barbecue sauce.”

Prior to eating, the children will be strapped into sofas equipped with neck braces. This is to ensure that their heads remain angled towards giant TV screens which will show continuous re-runs of Kilroy and Emmerdale. To eliminate blinking, the children’s eyelids will be fixed to their foreheads with gaffer tape.

“We are hoping, as nearly as we can, to authentically replicate the couch potato experience,” said Mr Plumm, “and expect a weight gain of at least 80 kilograms per child.”

“This is one small step for Cheetingham,” he added modestly, “one giant leap for British education.”

THE CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

Airfix model of Elton Ben. 14” tall, authentic in every detail. Choice of spectacles, many of them silly. Hair missing, hence low price of £395. Daniel, 338 7251.

Fish Finger, breadcrumbed. £1.50. Also, boatload of children in pirate garb. £3,500 ono. Buyer collects. Capt. Birdseye, 446 2863.

Hot Legs, matching pair. No scorch marks, still in good working order. Might consider selling separately. Offers? R. Stewart, 0372 47714.

Hovercraft, seats two. Made in Hungary. Eels recently removed. 11 months MoT. Offers? M. Python, 0372 44853.

Light. Must be seen to be believed. There is no charge: just ask. Hal E. Louier, 255 6921.

Piece of twine. Three inches long. Brown with frayed ends. £1,500, no offers. P. Stringfellow, 446 2962.

Red Back Spider. Housetrained, vaccinated. Eats anything, good with children. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Free to good home. Call in at Raylings Farm, Swansdike.

Rotary Tongue Scraper. 12v rechargeable. Galvanised zirconium loop, mahogany handle, calibrated internal reservoir. Used once only. £15. Connie Lingus, 0372 48250.

Stairway to Heaven. Includes banisters and carpeting. Price negotiable. Ladies only. Phone 0372 41170, ask for Percy.

Teach Yourself Intestinal Winding. Indispensable step-by-step guide for seppuku enthusiasts. Many colour illustrations. £7.45. Harry Kirry, 446 2612.

FOR HIRE

Children’s entertainer. Can sing, dance, walk backwards, rub groin. 100% safe. Ideal for slumber parties. Rockin’ Robin Jackson, P.O. Box 24415, Bahrain.

Removal Service. No job too big or too small. £25 per hour. Orson Kart, 0372 47731.

WIN A WEEKEND IN RUNCORN

What a washout! Here at the Observer, we've teamed up with Flushaway Holidays to offer one lucky reader the chance to win a fantastic family weekend at a colonic irrigation centre in Runcorn.

The exclusive Runcorn Irrigational Norming and Sluicing Experience is a firm favourite with TV celebrities like Rearenders star Barbara Windors and Crap Gear presenter Jeremy Klaxon.

For the winning family, the top drawer treatment starts just as soon as they walk through the door. On arrival in RINSE, they will be treated to complimentary pomagne and a canteen lunch. They will then be escorted to one of the centre’s premium-grade evacuation suites where, with expert assistance from RINSE clinicians, each family member will be able to examine everything they’ve just consumed.

This fabulous prize includes off-peak bus tickets to and from Runcorn, 4-berth caravan accommodation, meal vouchers, two irrigation sessions (including washback and scouring), a choice of hoses and a bottle of bespoke disinfectant. Each family member will also be presented with a souvenir T-shirt bearing the message ‘I got the bum’s rush in Runcorn’.

The winning family may choose to take their weekend any time between the 2nd and the 5th of March, 2007.

For a chance to win this once-in-a-lifetime prize, simply call the Observer competition botline on 0372 44444 and answer the following question:

*Which Shakespeare play features a character called ‘Bottom’?

Lines are open 24 hours and calls will be charged at £37 a minute.

PHEW, WHAT A SCORCHER!

WARMEST WINTER WEEKEND FOR OVER 600 YEARS

Picturesque views of Froghill nestled beneath a blanket of snow are becoming little more than a distant memory as our winter and summer weather patterns change places.

Sunday’s record high of 37.2˚C, recorded at the Withering Pond boathouse, was the warmest since November 1375, and the trend looks set to continue as global warming heats up our planet.

Dr Willoughby Twerpe, senior researcher with the Climate Observation and Weather Pattern Assessment Team (COWPAT), said: “We're likely to see much more of this kind of thing as our climate warms up. By the year 2027, we can expect winter temperatures to top those of the Gobi Desert in summer.

“Rivers are drying up and crop seasons are changing. Farmers are growing passion fruit where they used to grow parsnips.

“Birds are migrating in reverse, with toucans, emus and lyre birds coming here to spend the winter months. More ominously, Froghill’s first case of dengue fever was reported last week, with the patient now critically ill in an isolation ward in Froghill General.”

“Sunstroke will become a regular feature of future winters,” Dr Twerpe added.

But it’s not all bad news. People were out in their hundreds enjoying the unexpectedly warm weather last weekend and the Froghill municipal baths were thronged with swimmers and sunbathers.

Local pubs and ice cream sellers in particular welcomed the weather, with one gelateria – Bomponi’s in St Alfege Street – selling completely out of stock by 2pm on Saturday.

“It’s the best business we’ve ever done,” said delighted manager Arturo Bomponi. “If this is global warming, then let’s have some more of it, that’s what I say!”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

I write in response to your story ‘Dogs to Sniff Groins in Public' (Observer, January 19).

While I applaud the new law and firmly believe that, in the interests of hygiene, underwear should be changed at least every month, there is an issue here which no-one seems to have taken onboard.

As someone who has spent her life around dogs, I can assure your readers that prolonged exposure to underwear fumes can be fatal. Anyone who has ever watched an innocent creature slowly asphyxiate as it falls prey to Pernicious Animal Nasal Toxicity Syndrome (PANTS) will agree that this is a horrible way for an animal to die.

Thus, while our boys (and girls) in blue might be ridding us of a social evil by using sniffer dogs to detect the unclean, they are unwittingly risking the lives of their canine colleagues as they do so.

For those of us who are not willing stand by while innocent creatures sniff themselves to death, more information and a petition can be found at www.muzzlefresh.org.

Every signature counts.

Yours etc.,

Belinda ‘Buffy’ Bulle-Mastyffe

Withering

The Editor replies:

Do any of our readers have an amusing or heartwarming story about PANTS? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

WORLD’S OLDEST MUM ‘NOT PREGNANT’

Emily Fanshawe, 92-year-old widow of Simon Fanshawe and noted local character, is “definitely not pregnant”.

Those were the words of her personal physician Dr Michael Stitcher yesterday morning as he emerged from Fanshawe House after giving Ms Fanshawe a routine check-up.

“I can confirm,” said Dr Stitcher, referring to our story of January 11, “that contrary to reports in the press, my patient is most definitely not pregnant. Despite the fact that she showed all the signs of being so, my latest examination has confirmed this to be a case of pseudocyesis, or phantom pregnancy.”

“I would be grateful if you would leave my patient alone and allow her to rest,” he added.

Speaking to the Observer in an exclusive phone interview yesterday afternoon, a confused Ms Fanshawe said: “A phantom pregnancy? Is that what it was? Oh my, however did that happen?

“Was it because I dressed up as a ghost a few times last year?”

FOUL-MOUTHED ROBBER BOTCHES EARLY MORNING NEWSAGENT RAID

A man wearing a ‘Happy Shopper’ bag over his head botched a robbery at Veejay’s News in Bellhammer Road, Froghill, at about 7am this morning.

Despite the robber's brandishing of a rotary potato peeler, none of the shop's earlybird customers was hurt during the incident. The offender made off with 73 Mars bars, 25 copies of the Snail on Sunday, a deluxe box set edition of Pictionary and £2.47 in cash.

Due to the fact that he could not see clearly, the man collided with a pile of shopping baskets on his way out of the shop. He then fell flat on his face and shouted the words ‘Bugger me sideways with a knobbly stick’ in a strong Lancashire accent before gathering up his booty and making his escape.

Police are looking for a slightly-built man of medium height, estimated to be in his early twenties. Heading up the enquiry, DS Bunton of Froghill Constabulary said: “We are treating this crime as an act of opportunism, probably by someone from a middle-class background, judging by his choice of newspaper.

“Though nobody saw the man’s face, we have good eye witness descriptions of his height and build and it is likely that his shins will be extensively bruised from his misadventure with the shopping baskets.

“Over the next few days we will be randomly pouncing on slim young men, pulling down their trousers and then hitting them in the face to see if they swear with a northern accent.”

Anyone with information about this morning’s robbery should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

BURYMORE AT THE ASSEMBLY ROOMS

Comedian Michael Burymore puts his first foot back on the showbiz ladder next week with an appearance at the Froghill Assembly Rooms.

Burymore, whose unique brand of humour involves impersonating a constipated duck and repeatedly asking his audiences if they are alright, emerges from a lengthy period of obscurity to perform his one-man show on Friday (January 26th).

Burymore rose to fame in the early 1980’s when he appeared on popular sketch show Gus Turbot’s Lighthouse, alongside Les Penis, whose impressions of limp soap opera characters made him a TV celebrity in his own right.

Things took a downturn for Burymore after a tapir was found dead in the swimming pool during a Coke 'n' Poke party at his luxury bungalow in the village of Little Breething, Essex, in 2001.

The troubled performer is hoping to put the past behind him with Poolside Manner, his all-new comeback show, which will see him impersonating a constipated duck and repeatedly asking his audiences if they are alright.

• Michael Burymore in Poolside Manner, Friday, January 26, 8.30pm, Froghill Assembly Rooms, tickets £1.50 (50p concessions), free to people presenting a copy of this week’s Tittle Tattle magazine.

DOGS TO SNIFF GROINS IN PUBLIC

The controversial practice of using sniffer dogs to detect people who have not changed their underwear is to be introduced to Froghill later this year.

The move comes after successful trials in London led to the arrests of more than 10,000 people on charges of Grievous Bodily Odour, after the Underwear Renewal Enforcement Act (UREA) became law last year.

Froghill Constabulary is currently engaged in the process of training 15 officer-and-dog teams, which are expected to be operating on our streets by late spring..

Alan Hardman, Chief Inspector for the Froghill area, said: “I thoroughly applaud the new Act and am looking forward to getting our personnel, both animal and human, trained up and out there sniffing groins.”

The first step in the month-long training process involves the dog spending a fortnight with a pair of heavily soiled underpants strapped to its head.

During this period, the animal is given neither food nor water, so that it comes to associate offensive groinal odours with feelings of physical discomfort and revulsion.

“The second stage of training involves a delicate bonding process between dog and handler,” said Inspector Hardman.

“In this phase, the animal eats, works and sleeps with its handler, who spends the whole period wearing nothing but a helmet and a pair of underpants which have 500 grams of dog meat sealed inside them.

“That way, the dog comes to associate its handler with sensations of pleasure and sensual gratification.”

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about the new measures as Inspector Hardman, however. In a strongly-worded statement, Justin Winstanley, spokesman for the Froghill branch of the National Institute for the Preservation of Personal Liberty, Expression and Security (NIPPLES) said:

“We are vigorously opposed to the introduction of sniffer dogs onto our streets. The new law is very vague on what, exactly, constitutes an acceptable level of underwear odour and is thus wide open to abuse by individual officers.

“Furthermore, there is, currently, no reliable method of accurately gauging the strength of any odour emitted from an undergarment. Nor is there any way of assessing its level of offensiveness to another person.

“Until the necessary apparatus can be put in place, I think this is a very dangerous road to go down. It takes us one step closer to the nightmare scenario of underwear totalitarianism in Tony Blair’s Britain.

“Take myself for example,” said Mr Winstanley defensively, “I have been wearing my present pair of pants for three and a half months now, and they still smell as fresh as the day I first put them on.

“Does that make me a criminal? Do I deserve locking up just for that?”

COUNCIL TO HOST CRAP MEETING NEXT MONTH

Families in the Mungo Park Road area are waiting to find out which of two extensions to the methane processing plant will be built on their doorsteps.

Two rival firms, Royal Flush and All Cisterns Go, have tendered bids to expand the facility.

Dennis Meddings, spokesman for Froghill Council, said all details would be revealed at a public meeting next month.

The Slurry Hygiene and Integrated Toxic Treatment Extension Review (SHITTER) meeting will take place at Froghill Town Hall on Friday, February 16.

"We understand the public’s concern,” Councillor Meddings told the Observer, “but we really have no option, we simply have to increase the capacity of the plant.

"The trend towards healthier eating and high-fibre diets, as well as an increase in the number of curry houses open for business in the Froghill area, means that we are seeing a massive increase in the amount of effluent requiring treatment.

"The proposed plans have been made available for public viewing at the Town Hall, and we encourage people to go along and have a look. Our bidders will be there at next month's meeting and people will be able to express their opinions at that time.

“So far, both plans have their group of dedicated supporters," said the Councillor, 'so, one way or another, February 16th will be the day the shit hits the fans,” .

The Editor writes:

Do any of our readers have any amusing stories about effluent treatment methods? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

ROYAL FLAT LEADS TO PENSIONER’S MUDBATH

Last Monday was a day that 75-year-old Doreen Tisley will never forget. For it was the day she got to speak to a member of the royal family.

Mrs Tisley was one of seventeen people who watched Princess Beatrix of Rutland get out to change a wheel after her Daimler Sovereign ran over a beer bottle in Crumshall Lane.

The partially-sighted pensioner, who has one leg longer than the other and walks with a Zimmer frame, stepped forward as the Princess emerged from her car and offered to help.

Mrs Tisley, who lives in the nearby sheltered accommodation, said: "She got out of the car and she was wearing a two-piece lilac suit with a matching hat. Oooh, she did look lovely.

“As she lifted up the boot I went across to her and asked if there was anything I could do. She told me to bugger off and mind my own business. It was just the way she said it, so refined. And you could smell the gin on her breath, plain as anything.”

The Princess then proceeded to hike up her skirt, squat down, jack up the car and set about changing the wheel, while the small crowd looked on admiringly.

“At one point she was having trouble with one of the wheel nuts which wouldn’t come loose,” added Mrs Tisley, “so I told her to put some WD40 on it.

“Her reply was so typical of her. She said: ‘What do you know about it, you interfering old bat?’ and then she went back to grunting and straining. She’s got real class, she has, just like all the Royals.

"I’ve seen her so often on the telly, it was really nice to get the chance to actually speak to her.”

It took the Princess about 15 minutes to get the wheel changed, after which she dumped the flat in the boot, got back into the car and accelerated away at high speed. Her wheelspin threw up a hail of mud and stones, much of which ended up all over the watching Mrs Tisley.

"No matter, I've no doubt it’ll come out in the wash,” said the senior citizen gamely. “I mean, it’s not every day you get to speak to royalty, now is it?

HAMSTER HEATS IN FROGHILL PUBS

Two Froghill pubs have entered the search to find the fittest hamster in Britain.

The Nag’s Head, which regularly holds Friday night hamster races, has been joined by The Volunteer, as both pubs host heats for The Krypton Hamster ’07. Winning animals each week will go through to the regional semi-finals.

The first heat at both pubs takes place on Friday January 26th, with heats scheduled to continue until late February.

Aspiring contestants are asked to bring their animals to a preliminary weigh-in at The Nag’s Head on Wednesday January 24th. In order to be eligible, would-be contestants should tip the scales at no more than 1.5 pounds.

To make it through to the semis, competing animals will have to demonstrate both mental and physical superiority. The first section of each heat will involve physical endurance, with contestants swimming across a 20ft piranha-filled pool, leaping over a series of revolving razor blades, making a hang-glider flight of no less than 25 feet and then running on a wheel long enough to raise the temperature of its axle by 10ºC.

After a 15-minute recuperation period, animals will then be called upon to demonstrate their mental agility, facing questions in algebra, geography and English literature as well as displaying the ability to speak a foreign language to an intermediate level of proficiency.

Winners of the semis will go through to the regional finals from where the winner will go on to perform in the national finals, which take place at the Earl’s Court Olympia in London, in April.

The owner of the winning animal will receive a cheque for £5,000, a 24-carat gold hamster wheel and a lifetime supply of lettuce. In addition, the champion rodent will be professionally photographed by David Boiley for inclusion in the June edition of Penthamster magazine.

For more information on the competition, visit www.kryptham.info

GOING FOR A SONG – THE CHANCE TO SPEND A PENNY

Froghill Council plans to charge a select number of people a whopping £1000 - just to use the toilet.

The move is part of a broader initiative to combat the rising incidence of young people in the town centre.

The toilet, which stands at the entrance to The Beeches shopping precinct is frequently used by teenagers who have learned how to get into it without paying the £1 necessary to open the door.

Said Councillor Dennis Meddings: “I know it seems exorbitant to charge such a large sum of money just for using the toilet. But the problem is that these days, we can no longer trust the public to use our public conveniences.”

The toilet is being fitted with special vandal-proof locks and a state-of-the-art voice identification system. Payment of the annual £1000 fee will grant the user a personal key and vouchsafe them the words to a special secret code song.

From the beginning of February, use of the toilets will be restricted to those who hold a key and who can stand and sing the entire song into a receiver set in the toilet wall.

“I’m obviously not at liberty to divulge too much information,” said Councillor Meddings, “but I can tell you that the song will have at least fifteen verses and involve several complex key changes.

“That way we should be able to ensure that only the right kind of person will be able to use our toilet in future.”

HANDKERCHIEF HALTS TRAIN

Services between Froghill and London were disrupted yesterday evening after a burn-out on a stretch of live rail brought trains to a halt.

The incident, which caused a 35-minute delay to the 7.51 Froghill to King’s Cross service, occurred just outside Withering station.

No injuries were reported and passengers were able to disembark and walk to the nearby platform. Power was restored to the line at around 8.30.

Investigators from operating company Rail-U-Like think the most likely cause of the burn-out was a wet handkerchief which was found lying on the rail at the base of the London-bound platform.

Passenger Denise Hogweed, who was waiting on the opposite platform, said: “I was waiting for my train and I couldn’t help but notice a young couple on the other platform. They seemed to be having some sort of disagreement. The boy was shouting and storming up and down, and the girl was crying.

“Then he said something – I’m not sure what it was, but I caught the words ‘hamster’ and ‘pitch fork’ - and she threw down her handkerchief in exasperation just as the London train was approaching the station.

"Suddenly there was a bright blue flash and the train came to a dead halt. The boy and girl both ran away, through the car park and down Station Road.”

The handkerchief was placed in a clear plastic bag by station staff before being taken to Froghill Police Station for forensic examination.

SPIRIT BLOWING WEEKEND TO BE HELD

A weekend of spiritual healing and psychic reinflation is planned for January 20 and 21 at Cheetingham village hall.

The theme for the weekend is 'Touching Yourself in Your Important Place' and the event will be conducted by spirit guide and former greyhound breeder Joey Bellesario.

Speaking to the Observer, Mr Bellesario said: “The stresses and strains of modern day living tend to drain away our psychic energies. It’s like letting the air out of a balloon little by little – with the passing of time we become spiritually deflated.

“The aim of this weekend is to provide what might loosely be termed a ‘spiritual blow job’ and teach the essence of my Psychic Energy Reinflation Technique, or PERT for short. ”

According to Mr Bellesario, the essence of our spiritual being is to be found at a point about nine inches to one foot below the navel. This he calls the ‘Essential Spot’. His healing technique involves participants disrobing, forming male-female pairs and then vigorously massaging each other's Essential Spot.

When the correct level of psychic stimulation has been reached, each partner must shout the words 'yes, oh yes!', before bending down and closing their mouth over the other’s Essential Spot. By a process which combines blowing hard and dribbling, psychic reinflation can then be achieved. This can take anything up to three hours.

When asked whether PERT wasn’t an activity which might be better suited to the bedroom, Mr Bellesario, replied: “Absolutely not, this is a bona fide healing process. What’s more, I have a certificate from the Spiritual Care And Maintenance Society (SCAMS) to prove it.

“I have my wife Davinia psychically reinflate me every evening,” he added, “and, as you can see, my spiritual health is second to none.”

Tickets for 'Touching Yourself in Your Important Place' are available from spiritblow@blackmail.com and cost £195 for one day or £400 for the whole weekend.

FROGHILL WOMAN MAKES MEDICAL HISTORY

A Froghill woman has defied medical science by becoming pregnant at the age of 92 - despite assurances from her doctor that such an event would be physically impossible.

Emily Fanshawe, whose 66-year-old son Murray retired from the Civil Service last year, said she was “absolutely delighted” at the news that she was the world’s oldest mum-to-be.

Dr Michael Stitcher, her personal physician, was somewhat less enthusiastic however.

“At Ms Fanshawe’s advanced age, the health risks are considerable,” he told the Observer, “with an almost 100% chance that both mother and baby would die in childbirth. Even assuming that the baby is born without complication, the chances of the child going on to develop Blott’s Syndrome are enormous.”

Blott’s Syndrome, the doctor went on to explain, is an irreversible condition in which the sufferer involuntarily twitches and shouts obscenities upon seeing men with facial hair.

Despite the possible health implications, Ms Fanshawe seems determined to go through with the pregnancy.

“Getting the news was the nicest Christmas present anyone ever had,” said the mother-to-be from her sitting room in Fanshawe House.

"I'm absolutely delighted. I didn't think it was possible for one to get pregnant at my age, especially as I went through the change back in 1966.

"Or was that England winning the World Cup? I know something important happened, anyway.

“I’m sure I can’t remember the moment of conception, though,” she added wistfully, “my boyfriend and I have always been so terribly careful, you see.

”Perhaps it was the time when we had all that brandy and those nice firemen had to come and free me from the handcuffs.”

MISSING MAN FOUND

A man who had been missing for two weeks has turned up safe and well.

Willy Standing, 35, of Bracewell Road, Cheetingham, was reported missing by his wife after he went to the dustbin to throw away the turkey carcass and failed to return.

Police launched an appeal to help find Willy, who reappeared on Monday morning.

A spokesman for Froghill Constabulary said: "Mr Standing walked into Froghill Police Station at around 9am on Monday morning. Though he was covered in stale cooking grease and smelt strongly of noodles, he appeared to be in good health.

"This is not the first time we have been called upon to find Mr Standing, who last disappeared in September.

"It seems that on this occasion he had spent the period living in a ventilation shaft behind the Fuk Yiu Chinese takeaway in Swansdike Road," said the spokesman.

2007: YOUR YEAR IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Romance
This year is well starred for love, particularly for people who are fond of dogs. Those in established relationships will find themselves called upon to give extra support to partners who may be suffering from worms or distemper. Spending quality time together, going for walks, chasing sticks and romping in the woods, will pay dividends as the year wears on.

Money
Money-wise, you really can’t go wrong this year. So take a risk and try a more unconventional approach to earning an income, perhaps by blackmailing a local celebrity or setting up a fraudulent timeshare business. Then just sit back and relax as the cash starts pouring in.

Health
The unsightly rash you have been suffering will clear up during the early part of this year, as will the smell that accompanied it. This does not mean that you can afford to be complacent, however, and you should make sure to keep enough of the ointment on hand. Hot flushes are indicated after September.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)

Romance
Your fondness for sucking raw garlic cloves will do you no favours this year. Established partners will express the need for a little more personal space before embarking upon a torrid and indiscreet affair with one of your colleagues. If you are unattached, forget it, even vampires wouldn’t bother you.

Money
All the signs point to an extended period of bankruptcy and penury, so you’d be well advised to get out there and spend all your money before it disappears. A violent disagreement with your bank manager is likely in May.

Health
Aquarius is the sign of the water carrier, a fact that will make itself abundantly clear to you as the year wears on. Water retention is all but unavoidable, with some of the more critically affected seeing their weight increase by up to 700%. There is little you can do other than endure this, though you may consider renting out your body to the fire brigade or getting a part-time job as a water bed.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)

Romance
Affairs of the heart are in for turbulence as an old flame reappears early in the year. You will find yourself prey to lengthy and intense erotic fantasies, as you wonder what might have been and whether it should be again. Gentlemen should invest in reinforced underpants to make the involuntary erections less conspicuous. Established couples should avoid telling lies about working late, as these are never credible in the first place.

Money
As someone born under the sign of a fish, you’ve always been a slippery customer. And all the indications are that 2007 will see your career move in a new direction, perhaps into drug dealing or running a protection racket. Whatever course you take, it is advisable to investigate the ins and outs of money laundering before finally committing yourself.

Health
This year sees you in the pink, so now’s the time to stop making excuses and take that long-promised course of steroids. Work out at a training gym and by this time next year you won’t recognise yourself. Just to be on the safe side, you should have your name tattoo’d in reverse across your forehead for ease of identification.

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)

Romance
An experiment with pederasty is starred for this year, as Uranus moves into the ascendant. And there should be no shortage of opportunities to widen the circle of your friends. You never know when a chance encounter will lead to something deeper, so always keep a tube of KY jelly with you. Established couples should have long talks about the need to keep things fresh in the bedroom before embarking on anything new. Turning the lights off for the first few times will help you overcome the shyness.

Money
Suing a family friend works out in your favour and allows you to take them for every last penny they’ve got. Be careful when spending this windfall and avoid getting into business partnerships with men called John. Equally, you should think twice before investing in money-making schemes involving genetically modified rodents.

Health
The loss of an arm in April will cause you some concern, as will the loss of both legs around the middle of the year. You should not allow these setbacks to get you down however, as with determination you can overcome them. Console yourself by taking up a new hobby like archery, kick boxing or playing the harp. Resist the inclination to wallow in self pity and spend your time just arsing about.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Romance
If you are single, it seems as if you have been so for ever. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel and soon there will be no shortage of admirers. Unfortunately, they will all be pug-ugly and many of them will suffer from halitosis. If you are in an established relationship, the recent sense boredom and restriction you have been feeling will only intensify. You can expect to murder your partner in May, though you should resist the temptation to bury them in the cellar. After all, that’s what Crippen did, and he got caught.

Money
Family members have caused quite a drain on your finances of late, but this is set to change. The deaths of several loved ones in a freak accident will mean fewer financial responsibilities and more disposable income. Celebrate your new-found wealth and splash out, perhaps on a foreign holiday or by having a folly built in the garden.

Health
A weight problem which has dogged you for some time should be dealt with this year. Try mixing some balloons with your evening meal and swallowing them. These will inflate as you breathe, making you feel more buoyant and putting a newfound lightness into your step. For even better results, take a puff of helium every now and then. Avoid sandwiches in August.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Romance
Jupiter has just moved out of your opposite sign, Sagittarius, and this means that romance is negatively emphasised this year. If you are unattached, you would be well advised to invest in some top shelf magazines and spend the year going to bed early. Let’s face it, that’s all you’re going to get for the next twelve months. Established couples can put some spice back into things by dressing up in Nazi uniforms and leaving the curtains open.

Money
Money needs to be conserved, so work out a budget. During the early months of the year, you’d be wise to spend no more than £3 a week on grocery shopping. Save money by eating lichen and using fallen leaves instead of toilet paper. An investment proposal comes your way in March, possibly involving the importing of bleached tapir skins. Seek professional advice before committing yourself.

Health
An excess of self abuse leads to a nasty outbreak of digital blisters in February and these should be burst using a sterilised needle and a bowl of warm water. Talking to people becomes increasingly difficult and should be avoided altogether during the autumn months. Keep away from household pets in June. Expect a cosmetic surgery operation to go horribly wrong in October.

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)

Romance
No chance.

Money
Now is the time to spend a little cash and make those long-awaited improvements to your home. The building of dungeons and robber traps is particularly well starred. A joint venture related to cockroach farming should be treated with caution as should the impulse to splurge on jelly babies. Money spent on prosthetic limbs is a sound investment.

Health
Having been born under the sign of Cancer, it proves quite a coincidence that you’re diagnosed as suffering from exactly this later in the year. No need to let it worry you too much, though – they can do wonders these days, after all. You will find it necessary to include more barium in your diet during the autumn.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)

Romance
Jupiter is in your chart right now, so there should be no shortage of romantic opportunities for the unattached. By the middle of the year, you can expect to be shagging yourself silly. This also goes for those who are more settled, as an office romance or little indiscretion is starred for the summer. Expect your partner to find out in early September, leading to fights, bitterness and recriminations during the autumn months. By this time next year, your relationship will be dead in the water. This leaves you single again, which is a pity, as Jupiter will have moved out of your sign by then.

Money
Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man’s world.
Not that you’ll be doing any of the laughing.

Health
An unsightly outbreak of warts will come your way in February, leading to people at work making snide remarks about toads within your hearing. The warts will proliferate and by July, you should be covered from head to foot in the things. This, in fact, turns out to be a blessing in disguise, as your skin condition leads to an offer to go to Hollywood and star in the new Fantastic Four film later in the year.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Romance
Things take a downturn early in the year when a significant other catches you with a household pet in the cupboard under the stairs. Yet, paradoxically, this proves to be a good thing, as it provides the necessary kickstart to get you to reassess your relationship. By autumn, you should be experiencing the joys of rekindled love in a comfortable menagerie-à-trois. If you are single, a chance encounter at the dentist leads to a filling in more ways than one.

Money
Money matters are fortunately starred this year, especially for those who make their living by driving dumper trucks or making plaster statues of St Francis holding a pigeon. Late summer is a good time to take a chance on investment, perhaps by sinking your money into a South American coffee mine or a condom emporium in Vatican City. Whatever you do, it can’t go wrong, so speculate and accumulate.

Health
Your natural tendency to blotchiness will go into overdrive this year, leaving you looking like a map of the Philippines by June. Those of you who live alone should change your breakfast cereal, preferably to something that gives away free gifts, as the joy of finding the little toy in the packet will do much to buoy up your spirits. Suicide is indicated in November or December, so make sure you pay the gas bill regularly.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Romance
The time is ripe for firming up your relationships. You may consider investing in a set of manacles or cementing your loved one into the floor as a way to ensure that they spend more time at home. For those of you who are single, don’t be ashamed to lower your sights a little, maybe considering people whom you find physically repellant or who smell. Lacy underwear should be avoided in May, as should strawberry-flavoured condoms in October.

Money
Those of you seeking a career change should wait a while yet, as May through to October is starred as the most propitious time to make your move. Jobs in sanitary engineering and brothel management are particularly favoured, as is anything to do with contract killing. An unexpected windfall in September will leave you with a little extra cash. You’d be well advised to spend it all on fruit gums.

Health
A downturn in your general physical condition is indicated this year. After suffering several broken ribs during a pub brawl in early summer, you will go on to experience malnutrition, gingivitis and falling hair as the year goes on. Try to keep your spirits up and remember that the Drop In Centre in Station Precinct does counseling for depression every other Sunday.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Romance
Coming to terms with the passing of a loved one is never easy, particularly when you are the cause of their death. Yet now is the time to put the past behind you and look forward to the new year. Clean the bloodstains off the carpet, get the knife sharpened and start to live again. A new liaison is indicated in early spring, possibly with someone who keeps rabbits.

Money
Financially, caution is advised for the first half of this year, as you’ll be laid off from work in the third week of February. It’s time to take a long, hard look at your life and decide what you really want to do. Neurosurgery? Seal clubbing? Moustache waxing? Whatever it is that takes your fancy, go for it and grab the opportunity with both hands. You can expect to find 50p on the bus in September.

Health
A urinary tract infection is indicated for the early part of the year, producing a foul-smelling discharge with thick secretions that dry to a yellowish crust. While this may prove inconvenient and socially embarrassing, you should not allow it to worry you overmuch. Rather, save your concern for the car crash which will leave you in traction over the Christmas and New Year period. Apart from this, a good year for Scorpios, health-wise.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Romance
Love is like a butterfly or, more accurately, love is like the chrysalis that the butterfly hatches from. If you are unattached and seeking new romance, then why not consider someone who enjoys camping? That way, when ready for bed, they will crawl into a sleeping bag and closely resemble the larval stage of the Cabbage White. For those already in an established relationship, much-needed bedtime spice can be added by donning a pair of brightly coloured cardboard wings and then wrapping yourself in cling film. Avoid contact with insecticides, especially in July and August.

Money
The pay rise to which you are entitled is long overdue. However, it will not come this year, nor any other year, for that matter. Instead, you can expect to watch as junior members of the department get promoted over your head. This will cause you to sink into a mire of jealousy and resentment, develop a drinking problem and then lose home and family as the result of your addiction. A kindly passerby will give you a pound coin in November.

Health
Excess drinking will cause to you to age prematurely and the early stages of cirrhosis are forecast for the end of the year. On a more positive note, you will no longer need to have expensive dental checkups as all your teeth will be knocked out when you fall down a manhole which you failed to notice was open.

*To hear more about what’s in store for you in 2007, call Krystle’s Astro Line on 0372 45678. Calls will be charged at £20 a minute.