2007: YOUR YEAR IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Romance
This year is well starred for love, particularly for people who are fond of dogs. Those in established relationships will find themselves called upon to give extra support to partners who may be suffering from worms or distemper. Spending quality time together, going for walks, chasing sticks and romping in the woods, will pay dividends as the year wears on.

Money
Money-wise, you really can’t go wrong this year. So take a risk and try a more unconventional approach to earning an income, perhaps by blackmailing a local celebrity or setting up a fraudulent timeshare business. Then just sit back and relax as the cash starts pouring in.

Health
The unsightly rash you have been suffering will clear up during the early part of this year, as will the smell that accompanied it. This does not mean that you can afford to be complacent, however, and you should make sure to keep enough of the ointment on hand. Hot flushes are indicated after September.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)

Romance
Your fondness for sucking raw garlic cloves will do you no favours this year. Established partners will express the need for a little more personal space before embarking upon a torrid and indiscreet affair with one of your colleagues. If you are unattached, forget it, even vampires wouldn’t bother you.

Money
All the signs point to an extended period of bankruptcy and penury, so you’d be well advised to get out there and spend all your money before it disappears. A violent disagreement with your bank manager is likely in May.

Health
Aquarius is the sign of the water carrier, a fact that will make itself abundantly clear to you as the year wears on. Water retention is all but unavoidable, with some of the more critically affected seeing their weight increase by up to 700%. There is little you can do other than endure this, though you may consider renting out your body to the fire brigade or getting a part-time job as a water bed.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)

Romance
Affairs of the heart are in for turbulence as an old flame reappears early in the year. You will find yourself prey to lengthy and intense erotic fantasies, as you wonder what might have been and whether it should be again. Gentlemen should invest in reinforced underpants to make the involuntary erections less conspicuous. Established couples should avoid telling lies about working late, as these are never credible in the first place.

Money
As someone born under the sign of a fish, you’ve always been a slippery customer. And all the indications are that 2007 will see your career move in a new direction, perhaps into drug dealing or running a protection racket. Whatever course you take, it is advisable to investigate the ins and outs of money laundering before finally committing yourself.

Health
This year sees you in the pink, so now’s the time to stop making excuses and take that long-promised course of steroids. Work out at a training gym and by this time next year you won’t recognise yourself. Just to be on the safe side, you should have your name tattoo’d in reverse across your forehead for ease of identification.

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)

Romance
An experiment with pederasty is starred for this year, as Uranus moves into the ascendant. And there should be no shortage of opportunities to widen the circle of your friends. You never know when a chance encounter will lead to something deeper, so always keep a tube of KY jelly with you. Established couples should have long talks about the need to keep things fresh in the bedroom before embarking on anything new. Turning the lights off for the first few times will help you overcome the shyness.

Money
Suing a family friend works out in your favour and allows you to take them for every last penny they’ve got. Be careful when spending this windfall and avoid getting into business partnerships with men called John. Equally, you should think twice before investing in money-making schemes involving genetically modified rodents.

Health
The loss of an arm in April will cause you some concern, as will the loss of both legs around the middle of the year. You should not allow these setbacks to get you down however, as with determination you can overcome them. Console yourself by taking up a new hobby like archery, kick boxing or playing the harp. Resist the inclination to wallow in self pity and spend your time just arsing about.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Romance
If you are single, it seems as if you have been so for ever. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel and soon there will be no shortage of admirers. Unfortunately, they will all be pug-ugly and many of them will suffer from halitosis. If you are in an established relationship, the recent sense boredom and restriction you have been feeling will only intensify. You can expect to murder your partner in May, though you should resist the temptation to bury them in the cellar. After all, that’s what Crippen did, and he got caught.

Money
Family members have caused quite a drain on your finances of late, but this is set to change. The deaths of several loved ones in a freak accident will mean fewer financial responsibilities and more disposable income. Celebrate your new-found wealth and splash out, perhaps on a foreign holiday or by having a folly built in the garden.

Health
A weight problem which has dogged you for some time should be dealt with this year. Try mixing some balloons with your evening meal and swallowing them. These will inflate as you breathe, making you feel more buoyant and putting a newfound lightness into your step. For even better results, take a puff of helium every now and then. Avoid sandwiches in August.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Romance
Jupiter has just moved out of your opposite sign, Sagittarius, and this means that romance is negatively emphasised this year. If you are unattached, you would be well advised to invest in some top shelf magazines and spend the year going to bed early. Let’s face it, that’s all you’re going to get for the next twelve months. Established couples can put some spice back into things by dressing up in Nazi uniforms and leaving the curtains open.

Money
Money needs to be conserved, so work out a budget. During the early months of the year, you’d be wise to spend no more than £3 a week on grocery shopping. Save money by eating lichen and using fallen leaves instead of toilet paper. An investment proposal comes your way in March, possibly involving the importing of bleached tapir skins. Seek professional advice before committing yourself.

Health
An excess of self abuse leads to a nasty outbreak of digital blisters in February and these should be burst using a sterilised needle and a bowl of warm water. Talking to people becomes increasingly difficult and should be avoided altogether during the autumn months. Keep away from household pets in June. Expect a cosmetic surgery operation to go horribly wrong in October.

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)

Romance
No chance.

Money
Now is the time to spend a little cash and make those long-awaited improvements to your home. The building of dungeons and robber traps is particularly well starred. A joint venture related to cockroach farming should be treated with caution as should the impulse to splurge on jelly babies. Money spent on prosthetic limbs is a sound investment.

Health
Having been born under the sign of Cancer, it proves quite a coincidence that you’re diagnosed as suffering from exactly this later in the year. No need to let it worry you too much, though – they can do wonders these days, after all. You will find it necessary to include more barium in your diet during the autumn.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)

Romance
Jupiter is in your chart right now, so there should be no shortage of romantic opportunities for the unattached. By the middle of the year, you can expect to be shagging yourself silly. This also goes for those who are more settled, as an office romance or little indiscretion is starred for the summer. Expect your partner to find out in early September, leading to fights, bitterness and recriminations during the autumn months. By this time next year, your relationship will be dead in the water. This leaves you single again, which is a pity, as Jupiter will have moved out of your sign by then.

Money
Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man’s world.
Not that you’ll be doing any of the laughing.

Health
An unsightly outbreak of warts will come your way in February, leading to people at work making snide remarks about toads within your hearing. The warts will proliferate and by July, you should be covered from head to foot in the things. This, in fact, turns out to be a blessing in disguise, as your skin condition leads to an offer to go to Hollywood and star in the new Fantastic Four film later in the year.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Romance
Things take a downturn early in the year when a significant other catches you with a household pet in the cupboard under the stairs. Yet, paradoxically, this proves to be a good thing, as it provides the necessary kickstart to get you to reassess your relationship. By autumn, you should be experiencing the joys of rekindled love in a comfortable menagerie-à-trois. If you are single, a chance encounter at the dentist leads to a filling in more ways than one.

Money
Money matters are fortunately starred this year, especially for those who make their living by driving dumper trucks or making plaster statues of St Francis holding a pigeon. Late summer is a good time to take a chance on investment, perhaps by sinking your money into a South American coffee mine or a condom emporium in Vatican City. Whatever you do, it can’t go wrong, so speculate and accumulate.

Health
Your natural tendency to blotchiness will go into overdrive this year, leaving you looking like a map of the Philippines by June. Those of you who live alone should change your breakfast cereal, preferably to something that gives away free gifts, as the joy of finding the little toy in the packet will do much to buoy up your spirits. Suicide is indicated in November or December, so make sure you pay the gas bill regularly.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Romance
The time is ripe for firming up your relationships. You may consider investing in a set of manacles or cementing your loved one into the floor as a way to ensure that they spend more time at home. For those of you who are single, don’t be ashamed to lower your sights a little, maybe considering people whom you find physically repellant or who smell. Lacy underwear should be avoided in May, as should strawberry-flavoured condoms in October.

Money
Those of you seeking a career change should wait a while yet, as May through to October is starred as the most propitious time to make your move. Jobs in sanitary engineering and brothel management are particularly favoured, as is anything to do with contract killing. An unexpected windfall in September will leave you with a little extra cash. You’d be well advised to spend it all on fruit gums.

Health
A downturn in your general physical condition is indicated this year. After suffering several broken ribs during a pub brawl in early summer, you will go on to experience malnutrition, gingivitis and falling hair as the year goes on. Try to keep your spirits up and remember that the Drop In Centre in Station Precinct does counseling for depression every other Sunday.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Romance
Coming to terms with the passing of a loved one is never easy, particularly when you are the cause of their death. Yet now is the time to put the past behind you and look forward to the new year. Clean the bloodstains off the carpet, get the knife sharpened and start to live again. A new liaison is indicated in early spring, possibly with someone who keeps rabbits.

Money
Financially, caution is advised for the first half of this year, as you’ll be laid off from work in the third week of February. It’s time to take a long, hard look at your life and decide what you really want to do. Neurosurgery? Seal clubbing? Moustache waxing? Whatever it is that takes your fancy, go for it and grab the opportunity with both hands. You can expect to find 50p on the bus in September.

Health
A urinary tract infection is indicated for the early part of the year, producing a foul-smelling discharge with thick secretions that dry to a yellowish crust. While this may prove inconvenient and socially embarrassing, you should not allow it to worry you overmuch. Rather, save your concern for the car crash which will leave you in traction over the Christmas and New Year period. Apart from this, a good year for Scorpios, health-wise.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Romance
Love is like a butterfly or, more accurately, love is like the chrysalis that the butterfly hatches from. If you are unattached and seeking new romance, then why not consider someone who enjoys camping? That way, when ready for bed, they will crawl into a sleeping bag and closely resemble the larval stage of the Cabbage White. For those already in an established relationship, much-needed bedtime spice can be added by donning a pair of brightly coloured cardboard wings and then wrapping yourself in cling film. Avoid contact with insecticides, especially in July and August.

Money
The pay rise to which you are entitled is long overdue. However, it will not come this year, nor any other year, for that matter. Instead, you can expect to watch as junior members of the department get promoted over your head. This will cause you to sink into a mire of jealousy and resentment, develop a drinking problem and then lose home and family as the result of your addiction. A kindly passerby will give you a pound coin in November.

Health
Excess drinking will cause to you to age prematurely and the early stages of cirrhosis are forecast for the end of the year. On a more positive note, you will no longer need to have expensive dental checkups as all your teeth will be knocked out when you fall down a manhole which you failed to notice was open.

*To hear more about what’s in store for you in 2007, call Krystle’s Astro Line on 0372 45678. Calls will be charged at £20 a minute.