DOGS TO SNIFF GROINS IN PUBLIC

The controversial practice of using sniffer dogs to detect people who have not changed their underwear is to be introduced to Froghill later this year.

The move comes after successful trials in London led to the arrests of more than 10,000 people on charges of Grievous Bodily Odour, after the Underwear Renewal Enforcement Act (UREA) became law last year.

Froghill Constabulary is currently engaged in the process of training 15 officer-and-dog teams, which are expected to be operating on our streets by late spring..

Alan Hardman, Chief Inspector for the Froghill area, said: “I thoroughly applaud the new Act and am looking forward to getting our personnel, both animal and human, trained up and out there sniffing groins.”

The first step in the month-long training process involves the dog spending a fortnight with a pair of heavily soiled underpants strapped to its head.

During this period, the animal is given neither food nor water, so that it comes to associate offensive groinal odours with feelings of physical discomfort and revulsion.

“The second stage of training involves a delicate bonding process between dog and handler,” said Inspector Hardman.

“In this phase, the animal eats, works and sleeps with its handler, who spends the whole period wearing nothing but a helmet and a pair of underpants which have 500 grams of dog meat sealed inside them.

“That way, the dog comes to associate its handler with sensations of pleasure and sensual gratification.”

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about the new measures as Inspector Hardman, however. In a strongly-worded statement, Justin Winstanley, spokesman for the Froghill branch of the National Institute for the Preservation of Personal Liberty, Expression and Security (NIPPLES) said:

“We are vigorously opposed to the introduction of sniffer dogs onto our streets. The new law is very vague on what, exactly, constitutes an acceptable level of underwear odour and is thus wide open to abuse by individual officers.

“Furthermore, there is, currently, no reliable method of accurately gauging the strength of any odour emitted from an undergarment. Nor is there any way of assessing its level of offensiveness to another person.

“Until the necessary apparatus can be put in place, I think this is a very dangerous road to go down. It takes us one step closer to the nightmare scenario of underwear totalitarianism in Tony Blair’s Britain.

“Take myself for example,” said Mr Winstanley defensively, “I have been wearing my present pair of pants for three and a half months now, and they still smell as fresh as the day I first put them on.

“Does that make me a criminal? Do I deserve locking up just for that?”