SCHOOLKIDS TO BE BURGERED FOR A MONTH
Pupils from Cheetingham CE Primary School are to be the first in the country to take part in a radical new experiment in health education.
Faced with the fact that we are rapidly becoming a nation of corpulent couch potatoes, the Froghill Local Education Authority (FLEA) has decided to take action.
“The aim is to tackle the trend towards unhealthy eating by forcing children to eat badly,” said Cheetingham’s headteacher Arnold Plumm. “We reason that familiarity should breed contempt, and that our pupils will choose to eat healthily as a result of their experience.”
The initiative involves the compulsory consumption of hamburgers, chicken nuggets and French fries. All conventional lessons will be cancelled during the month-long experiment, during which teachers will use industrial-strength callipers to stuff as much junk food inside the children as they can.
“The aim is to have pupils put on as much weight as possible,” said Mr Plumm, “with each child being force fed a minimum of 45 quarter pounders per school day, along with three kilograms of fries and a litre of Cajun Barbecue sauce.”
Prior to eating, the children will be strapped into sofas equipped with neck braces. This is to ensure that their heads remain angled towards giant TV screens which will show continuous re-runs of Kilroy and Emmerdale. To eliminate blinking, the children’s eyelids will be fixed to their foreheads with gaffer tape.
“We are hoping, as nearly as we can, to authentically replicate the couch potato experience,” said Mr Plumm, “and expect a weight gain of at least 80 kilograms per child.”
“This is one small step for Cheetingham,” he added modestly, “one giant leap for British education.”
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29/01/07 @ 08:44