BIKINI CAMERA CUTS SPEEDING

Froghill’s only speed camera, now in its second year of operation, is having the desired effect and slowing down drivers on the Swansdike Road.

Figures released by Froghill Constabulary show that only two motorists were caught exceeding the speed limit in the quarter to December 2006. One of these was a partially-sighted man who was unable to read his speedometer, the other was a police patrol driver trying to catch last orders at The Nag’s Head.

Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman, Chief Inspector for the Froghill area, said: "The dramatic decline in speeding violations is obviously welcome news.

"When we installed the camera back in September 2005, the average speed for traffic on that section of road was 165 mph. In its first month of operation alone, over 1,800 motorists were caught on film.

"Worryingly, as the months went by, this figure showed no signs of going down. It quickly became clear to us that the camera was not doing its job.

"We concluded that this was because, in order to have it harmonise with its surroundings, the camera had been concealed inside a model of an old lady carrying a shopping bag. As a consequence, drivers were quite simply failing to notice it.

“So we decided we needed to make the camera more conspicuous. Last autumn, it was given a complete overhaul and it now resembles Berlin Sheraton in a polka dot bikini, standing with her legs apart and licking a lollipop.

“I’m pleased to announce that figures for the end of last year show that this strategy seems to have worked. From our latest statistics, we can infer that average speeds are down and fewer people are exceeding the limit,” the Chief Inspector said.

In a worrying development, however, it appears that an increasing number of male motorists are masturbating as they drive past the newly-refurbished camera.

“The resulting wads of sticky tissues thrown from car windows have led to a number of vehicles skidding and going through the hedge at One Tree Bend," said the Inspector, "so much so, that we are thinking of declaring this stretch of road an Accident Black Spot.

“Or perhaps an Accident White Spot might be more appropriate,” he added, after a moment’s thought.