WELCOME TO FROGHILL

DEAR AMY

Something worrying you? Need to tell someone? Then why not write to Amy for advice?

MY HUSBAND HAS FEATHERY FLINGS

My husband has recently taken to dressing up as a female and hanging around the village at night. He thinks I’m unaware of this, as he tends to slip out after we’ve made love when he thinks I’ve fallen asleep.

Nothing to be concerned about, you might say: post-coital crossdressing is both common and normal. The problem, however, is that rather than dressing as a woman he’s taken to impersonating a female ostrich. He puts on pink flippers, tight underpants, a marabou feather jacket, a prosthetic beak, lots of makeup, false eyelashes and a swimming cap with a plume sticking out of the top. Then he sneaks out.

I’ve watched him through the curtains, strutting down the drive with bare legs and his bottom sticking out. I’m terrified that the neighbours will find out or, worse, that an ornithologist might photograph him and publish the pictures in a national bird fanciers’ magazine.

My husband is 51 years old and, until now, our marriage has been a stable and happy one. Am I overreacting? Should I tell him what I know? Please help me, Amy, I’m desperate.

Lorna,
Traubert’s Heath

Amy writes: No, I don’t think you're not over-reacting. Men who dress up as large, flightless birds, let alone females of the species, are obviously completely barking. Notably, the compulsion to behave in this way is often connected with the male menopause and related to such symptoms as getting a tattoo or body piercing, drooling over Shakira videos or purchasing a red sports car.

And no, I don’t think you should tell him. Being caught out could come as a nasty shock, and ostriches can become aggressive when provoked. One kick from those powerful legs can split a human being clean in two.

Luckily, help is at hand. In the first instance, you should contact a support group called Women Against Silly Husbands Behaving like Ostriches And Roaming Dissolutely. Their address is:

WASHBOARD
21, Kiwi Crescent
Froghill FR2 2BG

Or log on to www.cluckinghell.org.

In addition, I would also recommend a couple of good self-help books. You might try So You’ve Got a Mental Husband, Now Live With It by Claire Brainer or Why Do Men Dress Up As Large Flightless Birds And Roam Around Country Villages At Night? by Rhea Cassowary.

In the meantime, you should do what you can to stay calm. Try to see things positively. After all, if the worst comes to the worst and some nocturnal bird lover gets your husband pregnant, at least you’ll have a supply of fresh eggs for breakfast every morning.

BODY FOUND IN LIBRARY

A man has been found dead next to a potted fern in Froghill Town Library.

The alarm was raised early yesterday afternoon by a library user who had attempted to engage the man in conversation.

Scaffolder’s mate Darren Piglett, 27, said: “I came in during my lunch break to have a read of the paper and I noticed this bloke sat in the corner who had a folded copy and a £10 note in front of him.

“So I went across to ask him if he’d finished reading it. When he didn’t say anything, I tapped him gently on the arm.

“And he just sort of keeled over and leaned against the wall. I think he’d been there quite a while because he made this funny creaking noise and he didn’t bend at all.”

Book borrowers looked on in hushed disbelief as police covered the body with several black bin liners and sealed off the ‘Crime’ section of the library in Bellhammer Road.

Investigating officer DS Geoff Bunton said only that the body of a man had been found and that he was unable to divulge any further information.

He was also unable to say whether police would be treating the death as suspicious.

‘CASH FOR BUMS’ POLICY A SUCCESS - COUNCIL

For the first time since records began back in 1763, there are no longer any homeless people in Froghill.

That was the message this morning from Froghill Council, who said the achievement was due to their policy of rounding up vagrants and selling them into sexual slavery.

Speaking exclusively to the Observer, Councillor Dennis Meddings said: “This is excellent news and demonstrates just how committed we are to promoting social exclusion.

“It has taken us a little under two years to clear these layabouts off our streets,” he continued, “and the benefits will be felt by everyone, as the Council plans to use the money to recruit more traffic wardens.”

When asked who the buyers of our homeless population actually were, the Councillor was heard to mutter: “Who cares, just so long as we’re rid of the bastards?” before turning on his heel and walking away.

INTERNATIONAL RELEASE FOR FIRST BOOK

A local writer has high hopes for his first novel which is due to be launched this week.

Don Brown, 57, an out-of-work bacon scraper from Cheetingham, wrote The Mona Lisa Creed while doing a correspondence writing course. He sent it to two London publishers once it was completed.

It was accepted by Plagiarist Press and will be sold not only in the UK but also in Bhutan, Fiji, Estonia and Lesotho.

The book describes how a Harvard professor, who is on holiday in Paris, receives a late night phone call concerning the murder of a museum curator. This leads him into the shadowy world of a secret society which ranks Sir Isaac Newton, Botticelli, Victor Hugo and Leonardo Da Vinci among its members. By following a series of cryptic clues, the professor eventually discovers the whereabouts of a religious relic which has been hidden for centuries.

"I’m so excited,” Mr Brown said, “it’s really unusual for a first-time author to get a publishing deal like this and I honestly never expected my book to see the light of day.

“I got the idea for it after going to see The DaVinci Code at the cinema,” he said, referring to last year’s hit film starring Tom Hanks and Audrey Tatou.

“I saw it on a Monday when they have special concessions for the unemployed,” he added.

DESIGNER ISO-BUBBLES STOLEN

Thieves have stolen £12,000 worth of designer iso-bubbles from a Froghill fashion boutique.

The raid is believed to have happened some time around 2am on Tuesday when burglars forced a back door lock at Glitz-U-Like in King Street.

Manager Moira Snitteridge said the incident was the handiwork of criminals who knew exactly what they wanted.

Approximately 20 of the iso-bubbles, worth around £600 each, were taken. Produced exclusively by Dolce & Gabbana, the soundproof globes fit snugly over the wearer’s head, rather like a space helmet. They are made of tinted Waterford crystal, have built-in wireless internet capability, ‘Enviroklenz’ self-regulating climate control and feature the distinctive ‘D&G’ logo on the side.

"The thieves knew exactly what they were looking for," Ms Snitteridge said. "The iso-bubbles were part of the D&G Spring 2007 range and haven’t even been given retail clearance yet. Nothing else was touched.”

Police arrived on the scene at around 9am after a cleaner reported the broken lock.

If you are offered a cheap iso-bubble or have any information about Tuesday’s robbery, you should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

GINGER’S THE MAIN SQUEEZE AT THE ASSEMBLY ROOMS

A Froghill man who left the town to become one of the world's top bladder squeezers is coming back to pay us a visit.

For the last 25 years, Ginger Benbowe has been living in America, making a name for himself with his virtuoso squeezing style. He is currently doing bladder duty with the famous Wayne Manor and the Bat Men, playing in a line-up that includes ex-Plod guitarist Andy Bummers and vocalist Feargal Sarkey, once of Ulster pop combo the Chundertones.

Ginger, who has headlined as a solo squeezer in over 30 countries worldwide, is something of a Renaissance Man, as he is equally adept at bowel straining, scrotum stretching and foreskin whistling.

Now 54, Ginger started squeezing at the age of 11, after watching a TV programme about legendary German squeezer Heinrich Manoeuvre. Entirely self-taught, Ginger would spend long evenings in the shed at the family home manipulating his bladder. It was during this period that he perfected his trademark lateral fingering technique.

"During the 1970s my sister and I were regulars on the pub circuit around Froghill,” said Ginger, speaking by phone from his home in Tupelo, Mississippi. “I used to sit squeezing my bladder and Hermione would stand in the spotlight reciting from the Russian version of Mary Poppins. We played the Assembly Rooms on more than one occasion, I seem to remember.

“It’ll certainly be great to come home,” he added with a chuckle.

• Ginger Benbowe at the Froghill Assembly Rooms, Friday 2nd and Saturday 3rd of March. Tickets £24.99 to £25. Call 0372 45555.

CAR PARK ATTENDANT IN FRENCH LOAF FRACAS

A motorist was hospitalised yesterday after a car park attendant assaulted him while he was queuing to buy a ticket.

Darius Dunlop, of Decortwille Rise, Cheetingham, remains in intensive care in Froghill General after undergoing a three-hour operation to remove a baguette from his rear end.

Speaking from his hospital bed, Mr Dunlop, 22, said: "I pulled into the White Horse Lane car park and reversed into a vacant space. The attendant clearly saw me do this, as he was sitting in his hut eating a French bread sandwich at the time. I locked the car and went over to the machine to buy a ticket. There was a lady at the machine so I waited.

"As I was standing there, I noticed the attendant leave his hut, walk across to my car and start writing in a little notebook.

"So I shouted to him that I was fully intending to buy a ticket and display it on my windscreen."

Mr Dunlop alleges that the attendant then marched across to him and told him that he was “a scruffy little Herbert who thinks he can do what the bloody hell he likes” before ranting incomprehensibly about Queen and country, the Paras and the deserts of Sinai.

“I turned away as I did not want to provoke him further by making eye contact,” said Mr Dunlop, “but he seemed to be working himself into a fury and then, all of a sudden, he attacked me with the baguette.”

Froghill Council spokesperson Gill McGill said: "We are very sorry indeed to hear of Mr Dunlop’s loaf-related injuries and we are investigating the situation.”

The Observer has learned that the attendant in question is a retired army veteran who suffers from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder and has a history of unprovoked assaults against young people.

“There was a regrettable incident two years ago involving the same employee, a tub of taramasalata and a motor cyclist’s underpants,” Ms McGill said.

Mr Dunlop is understood to be making good progress, though he will require further surgery to check for residual ham fragments and bread crumbs in his large intestine.

FLAT BUT NOT FINISHED - THANKS TO ONE MAN'S HOBBY

Animal lover Norman Headlock has a hobby with a difference – for rather than doing sudoku or drinking in the pub, he spends his spare time rebuilding hedgehogs that have been squashed on Froghill’s roads.

Mr Headlock, 53, of Bullfinch Close, Swansdike, has been reconditioning mangled and flattened hedgehogs in his garden shed for the past four years.

When he has fixed them up so they are once more capable of independent motion, he donates them to local businesses where they perform useful service as mobile invoice spikes.

Now he is appealing to the public to help him in his task of collecting battered specimens by asking people always to carry a bucket and spade whenever they walk anywhere.

He said: “Just because a hedgehog is dead, that doesn’t mean that it’s of no use. I’m asking people to pick up any roadkill they see and contact me so that I can collect it.”

In recycling the hedgehogs, Mr Headlock typically replaces the insides with a small electric motor. This he connects to the legs via a transmission system and a tiny gearbox. The whole arrangement is then powered by a nine-volt battery which is inserted into the animal’s anal passage. Once Mr Headlock has finished his conversion process, the rebuilt animal can function in an office environment for anything up to five years.

“It doesn’t matter how squashed the hedgehog is,” added Mr Headlock, “in fact, the flatter the better. That way I don’t have to go through the process of scooping out the innards with a teaspoon.

“That can get a bit smelly, to tell the truth,” he said.

If you find a squashed hedgehog while out for a walk, please scoop it up and place it in a bucket. Then contact Mr Headlock on 0372 49157 or e-mail spinynorman@blackmail.com

FARTING TAXIS TO BE SCRAPPED

It looked to be the perfect solution to the twin evils of unemployment and global warming. But, five years later, it has proved to be just the opposite and Froghill’s piggy back cabs are to be taken off the streets.

The idea was first mooted back in 2002, when Froghill Council hit upon the notion of using physically fit but otherwise unemployed people as taxis. The proposal was that for short journeys, they could carry passengers on their backs and replace the conventional, polluting, petrol-driven minicab.

A referendum saw the people of Froghill giving the scheme the green light and by June of that year the first metred piggy back cabs were ‘picking up’ customers and carrying them on short, local journeys.

Well, that was then and this is now. A recent study by the Environmental Guardians Generating New Options Group (EGGNOG) has discovered that far from reducing greenhouse gasses, the piggy back cabs have in fact led to an increase in harmful emissions.

The problem lies with the kind of person who chooses to become a piggy back cab. Besides being young, male and athletic, 95% of them are also vegetarian, according to EGGNOG’s findings. And, like Popeye, it transpires that our human Hackney cabs live almost exclusively on spinach.

Now spinach, as any nutritionist will tell you, is a high-fibre vegetable - and an increase in fibre leads to an increase in flatulence.

EGGNOG’s scientists found that so much methane has been released over the past five years that the Earth’s atmosphere is two feet seven inches thicker over Froghill than it is at any other point on the planet. And this means that Froghill’s climate is heating up at the rate of three degrees Celsius a week.

“If this is allowed to continue unchecked,” said chief researcher Sebastian Mungbean, “Froghill will quite simply melt before the end of the decade. The resulting run-off would mean that countries like Holland and Belgium would be completely engulfed by a toxic sludge made of Froghill and seawater. Millions would lose their lives.”

The Council have acted swiftly, declaring that all piggyback cabs must cease operation by the end of this week.

When asked by the Observer what contingency plans had been put in place for all the people who are to be made unemployed, a Council spokesman told us: “We are studying the feasibility of a scheme to turn them into environmentally-friendly car tyres.”

AN APOLOGY

The editor and staff of the Froghill Observer would like to apologise to our readers for the intermittent nature of our recent news coverage. This is due to staff sickness.

We will resume our usual incisive and in-depth reporting early next week.

ELVIS’ FORESKIN - A ‘SNIP’ AT £50,000

A foreskin once belonging to Elvis Presley has fetched £50,000 at Southeby’s.

The flaccid piece of skin, which has been the property of Withering resident Elsie Battledore for the last four decades, went under the hammer at the famous London auction house last Monday.

“It was just before Elvis’ comeback in 1969,” the 71 year-old Mrs Battledore told the Observer yesterday, “and I was on holiday in Las Vegas. I was sitting in a Howard Johnson’s, having a cup of coffee, when this man came up and asked if he could join me.”

Unbeknownst to Mrs Battledore, the stranger with the lambchop sideburns and mirror sunglasses who sat down opposite her was none other than the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll himself.

“I didn’t recognise him at all,” she said, “what with the glasses and everything. I noticed that he was walking rather stiffly and he seemed a little sad, almost as if he’d lost something. So we chatted for a while and I did my best to cheer him up a bit.

“After about half an hour, he got up to leave and I wished him well. He said: ‘Why, thank you, ma’am’, ever so polite, like.

“Then he fished in his pocket and gave me this little box, like one you’d get for a ring or something. He told me to keep it and to sell it only when I wanted something really special.”

When Mrs Battledore opened the box, she saw that there was a little piece of skin inside with a couple of dark, curly hairs caught up in it, but she didn’t immediately realise what it was.

“It was only when I read in the Las Vegas Sun the following morning that Elvis had recently been circumcised at an exclusive clinic that it dawned on me,” she said.

That little gift attracted a great deal of interest on Monday afternoon, with the King’s foreskin eventually selling to an anonymous phone bidder from Tokyo.

When asked about the something special, Mrs Battledore replied that she would use the money to pay for a vasectomy for her husband Reg.

“He’s wanted one for years,” she said, “so I thought I’d treat him and get it done at Harley Street.”

THE CLASSIFIEDS

PERSONALS

Bad Scottish poet seeks partner to make things verse. W. McGonagall, Box 255.

Beer drinker with 3.5” floppy seeks computer literate female to stiffen his resolve. Bruce Droop, Box 66.

Bell ringer, m, goes like the clappers, seeks f to give him a good pull. Mr Ropey, Box 131.

Flat-footed quack in sailor uniform WLTM female for whom a duck would not be out of the question. Donald, Box 244.

Grammarian with loose vowels seeks woman with tight Rs. I.B. Foree, Box 172.

Man with no sense of distance seeks woman to go all the way. Mr Hopi, Box 372.

Man with wire brush and Dettol seeks scrubber. Mr Soapy, Box 176.

Middle-aged man with gaping crack seeks young woman in plaster. Phil McCavity, Box 215.

Pothead Pixie seeks Little Weed for joint venture. Mr Dopey, Box 54.

Trainspotter, f, would like to get hitched to man who’s on the wagon. Anna Racque, Box 158.

Woman with big spanner WLTM man with large nuts. Tess Tickle-Turner, Box 122.

Woman with empty sausage skin seeks man to put the meat in. Phillippa Casing, Box 29.

CHEESE SHOP COULD GO PEAR SHAPED AFTER ROBBERY

A long-established Froghill business is facing potential ruin after the theft of a crucial piece of equipment.

Cheese artist Wesley Dale was in his backyard lubricating a goat’s udder when thieves struck his High Street shop last Monday.

“They made away with a pound and a half of Caerphilly, a walnut roulade, 25 cheese stockings and £2.47 in cash,” said Mr Dale.

“That I could have coped with,” he added, “but they also took my radium-tipped engraving pen, which is irreplaceable.”

Mr Dale, 63, who has been in cheese all his life, inherited the Curd-U-Like outlet after the death of his father, also a master cheese artist.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without that engraver,” he said, “it's essential to my work and I simply can’t imagine what use it would be to anyone outside the business.

“Most people think that Stilton gets its blue veins from a fungus called penicillium roqueforti," Mr Dale said.

"This is entirely untrue. Stilton veins have to be painstakingly etched in by hand in a process very similar to tattooing. Every piece of Stilton, indeed every single piece of veined cheese, is finished in this way."

Mr Dale is one of the few remaining practitioners of what has become a dying art, and his Stiltons command considerable sums of money. He also is credited with inventing Nob Cheese, which is veined with 24-carat gold and sells exclusively to the aristocracy.

Among the many highlights of Mr Dale's career are a commemoration cheese for the Posh and Becks wedding and a commission from NASA to make a special cheese to celebrate the first Moon landing.

“That presented me with considerable logistical difficulties,” recollected Mr Dale with a smile.

“The whole thing was to represent the Moon and so it had to be made of green cheese. I chose Sage Derby for the colour, but the problem was, it lacked the texture necessary to maintain a spherical shape.

"So I had to develop a special thick skin to bind it all together.

“I engraved the outside with the legend: ‘This is one small step for man, one giant leap for cheese rind.’

"Everyone at Mission Control in Houston was very impressed, even if I say so myself,” he added modestly.

Anyone with information about the missing engraver should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

'PREHISTORIC' SCHOOL KIDS DRINK BLOOD IN CLASS

Children from Cheetingham CE Primary School enjoyed learning about prehistoric life in an unusual class on Monday.

Unemployed actor Marlon Dobbs dressed up as a Neanderthal Man and brought their history class to life by waving a cow’s shin bone and daubing himself with congealed animal fat.

Humanities teacher Lynne Sargeant, who organised the event, said: "The children were a bit nervous at first but they soon got used to Mr Dobbs’ wild gestures and guttural grunting. In the end, everyone had a very good time."

During the course of the day, the eight-year-olds learned how to hunt with spears, skin a deer, defecate into a hole and circumcise a baby using a flint knife. They also learned how to drink blood from bowl without spilling any.

ART WITH A CAPITAL ‘F’

The Simon Fanshawe Public Art Award 2007, with an entry deadline of Tuesday May 1st, invites artists in all media to submit their work for this prestigious competition. This year’s theme is the letter ‘F’.

Last year’s £1,000 top prize went to sculptor Franklin Newbie, who created a 100-foot representation of a toilet brush, entitled The Unrelenting Pressure of Mundanity, which was erected on Froghill Common in June.

Entry forms are available from Froghill Town Library and other local libraries, or from The Simon Fanshawe Foundation on moremoneythansense@mailbag.com, or by phoning 0372 45444.

BEAUTY QUEEN TO LIVE LIKE A PIG - AND IT'S ALL IN A GOOD CAUSE

Miss Froghill 2006, Swansdike girl Laetitia Brandybuck, is to be the model for the new Save The Tapirs campaign.

Sultry brunette Laetitia, who won the Miss Froghill title after allowing the chief judge to see inside her blouse, said she was really thrilled at the news.

“I’m really thrilled at the news,” she said.

Her appointment marks the beginning of The Appreciation and Recognition of Tapirs Year (TARTY) which is intended to raise awareness of the pig-like mammals and the impact they have upon the modern world.

Laetitia, who turned 19 only last week, will spend the year wearing a gold lame bikini and a prosthetic snout. For the next 12 months, she will feed exclusively on a diet of leaves, buds and twigs while living in a special mud-filled enclosure in King Street.

“I really love tapirs, they’re just, like, soooo cute,” said an overjoyed Laetitia, “and I don’t believe any of that stuff about them causing global warming and hurricanes and things.”

“That’s just the kind of stupid prejudice I’m trying do put a stop to,” she added.

CONDOM WORKERS TO DOWN TOOLS

Workers at Teat-U-Like are to take part in a lightning one-day strike after a colleague received severe injuries in a work-related accident.

Condom inflator Kevin Stanton underwent emergency surgery on Saturday afternoon to remove a bottle of Snapple that had become wedged in one of his nasal passages at the company’s factory in Mungo Park Road.

Des Picklings, spokesperson for the Amalgamated Prophylactic Handlers and Inflators Disability Society (APHIDS), said: “Mr Stanton is as well as can be expected, following a three-hour procedure to remove the bottle.”

Mr Stanton was rushed to Froghill General after the neck of the bottle skidded violently upwards as he brought it into contact with his mouth.

“The most effective method of testing the integrity of a condom is to fill it with air,” said Mr Picklings, “so condom inflators are required to place a prophylactic fully over their pursed lips and then blow hard.

“This leaves a thin residue of highly viscous lubricant around the mouth.

“Now as the average inflator will blow into anything up to 500 condoms per hour, the residue build-up can become considerable. Effectively, the whole lower half of the face becomes coated in a slick and slippery slime.

“I regret to report, however, that the facial scraping facilities provided by management are woefully inadequate. This is in direct contravention of European Rubber Operative Safety (EROS) guidelines, which state that there must be one rotary scraper for every 10 inflators.

"It is for this reason that we feel compelled to take industrial action.

“Last Saturday’s tragedy was an accident waiting to happen,” added Mr Picklings, “and I’m only surprised that something like this hasn’t happened before.”

Tomorrow’s industrial action will see the factory brought at a standstill as its entire shop floor stays away from work to protest unsafe working conditions.

This is not the first time that a Teat-U-Like worker has been hospitalised. In June 2004, a lateral rhythm endurance assessor had to be placed in an isolation ward when his genitals became infested with flies following a shift in the novelty flavour section.