CONDOM WORKERS TO DOWN TOOLS

Workers at Teat-U-Like are to take part in a lightning one-day strike after a colleague received severe injuries in a work-related accident.

Condom inflator Kevin Stanton underwent emergency surgery on Saturday afternoon to remove a bottle of Snapple that had become wedged in one of his nasal passages at the company’s factory in Mungo Park Road.

Des Picklings, spokesperson for the Amalgamated Prophylactic Handlers and Inflators Disability Society (APHIDS), said: “Mr Stanton is as well as can be expected, following a three-hour procedure to remove the bottle.”

Mr Stanton was rushed to Froghill General after the neck of the bottle skidded violently upwards as he brought it into contact with his mouth.

“The most effective method of testing the integrity of a condom is to fill it with air,” said Mr Picklings, “so condom inflators are required to place a prophylactic fully over their pursed lips and then blow hard.

“This leaves a thin residue of highly viscous lubricant around the mouth.

“Now as the average inflator will blow into anything up to 500 condoms per hour, the residue build-up can become considerable. Effectively, the whole lower half of the face becomes coated in a slick and slippery slime.

“I regret to report, however, that the facial scraping facilities provided by management are woefully inadequate. This is in direct contravention of European Rubber Operative Safety (EROS) guidelines, which state that there must be one rotary scraper for every 10 inflators.

"It is for this reason that we feel compelled to take industrial action.

“Last Saturday’s tragedy was an accident waiting to happen,” added Mr Picklings, “and I’m only surprised that something like this hasn’t happened before.”

Tomorrow’s industrial action will see the factory brought at a standstill as its entire shop floor stays away from work to protest unsafe working conditions.

This is not the first time that a Teat-U-Like worker has been hospitalised. In June 2004, a lateral rhythm endurance assessor had to be placed in an isolation ward when his genitals became infested with flies following a shift in the novelty flavour section.