DEAR AMY

Something worrying you? Need to tell someone? Then why not write to Amy for advice?

MY HUSBAND HAS FEATHERY FLINGS

My husband has recently taken to dressing up as a female and hanging around the village at night. He thinks I’m unaware of this, as he tends to slip out after we’ve made love when he thinks I’ve fallen asleep.

Nothing to be concerned about, you might say: post-coital crossdressing is both common and normal. The problem, however, is that rather than dressing as a woman he’s taken to impersonating a female ostrich. He puts on pink flippers, tight underpants, a marabou feather jacket, a prosthetic beak, lots of makeup, false eyelashes and a swimming cap with a plume sticking out of the top. Then he sneaks out.

I’ve watched him through the curtains, strutting down the drive with bare legs and his bottom sticking out. I’m terrified that the neighbours will find out or, worse, that an ornithologist might photograph him and publish the pictures in a national bird fanciers’ magazine.

My husband is 51 years old and, until now, our marriage has been a stable and happy one. Am I overreacting? Should I tell him what I know? Please help me, Amy, I’m desperate.

Lorna,
Traubert’s Heath

Amy writes: No, I don’t think you're not over-reacting. Men who dress up as large, flightless birds, let alone females of the species, are obviously completely barking. Notably, the compulsion to behave in this way is often connected with the male menopause and related to such symptoms as getting a tattoo or body piercing, drooling over Shakira videos or purchasing a red sports car.

And no, I don’t think you should tell him. Being caught out could come as a nasty shock, and ostriches can become aggressive when provoked. One kick from those powerful legs can split a human being clean in two.

Luckily, help is at hand. In the first instance, you should contact a support group called Women Against Silly Husbands Behaving like Ostriches And Roaming Dissolutely. Their address is:

WASHBOARD
21, Kiwi Crescent
Froghill FR2 2BG

Or log on to www.cluckinghell.org.

In addition, I would also recommend a couple of good self-help books. You might try So You’ve Got a Mental Husband, Now Live With It by Claire Brainer or Why Do Men Dress Up As Large Flightless Birds And Roam Around Country Villages At Night? by Rhea Cassowary.

In the meantime, you should do what you can to stay calm. Try to see things positively. After all, if the worst comes to the worst and some nocturnal bird lover gets your husband pregnant, at least you’ll have a supply of fresh eggs for breakfast every morning.