FILM-MAKERS ATTEND FROGSTERS

It may not be the Oscars, but for Froghill’s amateur filmmakers it just might be a step along the way.

Froghill Amateur Camera Keepers, Owners and Film Fans held their first-ever award ceremony, the Frogsters, at the Town Hall on Tuesday evening.

All entries were 'shorts' of 30 minutes or less and shot by local film-makers. Organiser Dick Percy said: "All the submissions were of a very high standard indeed."

Frogster for Best Film went to bus driver Ray Spinks for his imaginative piece Light and Airy, which was shot entirely in his own kitchen and followed his wife as she made a sponge cake.

The Simon Fanshawe Work of Special Merit Award was won by 20-year-old Froghill College student Jasper Bottleneck for his slow-motion depiction of a hamster going to sleep.

FACKOFF meets on the first and third Tuesday of every month except for January, April, May, June, September, November and December.

LOCAL FAMILY IN STICKY SITUATION

A Swansdike family is preparing for the worst after receiving a ransom demand for the safe return of their pet stick insect.

Sticky, who was perched on a sprig of privet in his jam jar, was abducted from his home in Langton Road just over a week ago.

Father of three Jeff Knightley, 46, told the Observer that he had received an anonymous email threatening their pet’s life.

“The email said that if we wanted to see Sticky again, I should be at the public conveniences on Froghill Common at 8 o’ clock tomorrow evening,” Mr Knightley said.

“It told me to bring an envelope containing £57.30 in used notes and leave it under the third washbasin in the Gents. The email came with an attachment. When I opened it, there was a picture of Sticky, taken in a bathroom somewhere, holding a copy of yesterday’s Guardian.

"The mail also told me not to go to the police otherwise I would never see Sticky alive again.”

A spokesman for the Stick Insect Care and Kindness Organisation (SICKO) said that this kind of opportunistic crime is becoming increasingly prevalent. The charity recommends that owners have their insects micro-chipped as a safeguard against kidnapping.

Stick insect owners can contact the charity's helpline for advice on 0372 43354 or email sicko@stickmail.com.

ENTERTAINMENT GUIDES

The girls are ready, willing and more than able to entertain you as this year's Girl Guide Gangshow will prove on Friday evening.

The show forms part of the centenary celebrations to mark the 100-year anniversary of the Scouting movement.

More than 73 Brownies and Guides from the sixth Froghill unit will be performing, with highlights to include bareback crocodile riding, a blindfold knifethrowing act and a lighthearted look at subdom sexual practices.

Mix in perennial musical favourites like 19th Nervous Breakdown, I Don't Like Mondays and Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues and you’ve got a surefire recipe for a great evening out!

The Girl Guide Gangshow, Cheetingham CE Primary School, Friday, March 30 at 6.30pm. Tickets £42.50 on the door.

RESIDENTS PETITION AGAINST PAVING STONE REMOVAL

Between 30 and 32 people have so far signed a petition calling for the preservation of an uneven paving stone in Withering High Street.

The petition, which has been available in the saloon bar of The Roebuck for the past week, has been drawn up in protest at Froghill Council's plan to rip up the paving stone and put in a new Japanese replacement.

The petition has been organised by the Save Our Local Indigenous Paving Stones from Imminent Sabotage and Mutilation (SOLIPSISM) pressure group, which hopes to get over 63 signatures from concerned local people.

Group spokesman Alistair Leafmold told the Observer : “Withering is a picturesque and historic English village. And we want to keep it that way.

“If the Council is allowed to continue with this policy of blatant vandalism, wantonly replacing our local paving stones with pre-fabricated Japanese varieties, it won’t be long before the centre of our village loses all its character and starts looking like downtown Tokyo.

"What next, I ask you? Sushi in the Weeping Willow Tearooms? Sumo wrestling in the village hall? People committing hara kiri on Withering Green?

“Not that I’ve got anything against the Japanese," he added.

SOLIPSISM plans to present its petition to the Council at the end of the month.

STUDENT STIFFS COMPETITION TO WIN PLACE IN FINALS

A 19-year-old from Swansdike has made it to the finals of a nationwide contest to be crowned Mr Penile Dementia 2007.

Martin Stickman, a second-year Geography student at Froghill College, will stand up against nine other hopefuls on April 1 at Fukham Hall in London in a bid to win the coveted title.

Martin claimed his place in the finals after achieving 4 separate erections in 47 seconds during the semis in Cleethorpes last week. He then went on rotate his member through 360° before finishing with a hands-free double twist manoeuvre which left the audience gasping with disbelief.

Asked for the secret of his amazing versatility, Martin claimed that he merely “imagined Berlin Sheraton sitting in a Sinclair C5 while playing a pink oboe” and that the rest came naturally.

CONDOM FOUND BETWEEN FLAPS OF MEAT

A Cheetingham resident reacted with outrage and disgust after his daughter found a condom in a hamburger on Friday afternoon.

The misplaced prophylactic was found by schoolgirl Megan Turner when her father took her to I’ll Be Burgered in Froghill High Street as a treat for passing a spelling test.

“I went to the shop with Daddy,” said Megan, “and he bought me a ‘Twice As Tasty’, which is my favourite. But when I bit into it, I found I had this funny rubbery thing in my mouth.”

At first the 10-year-old thought that the gherkins in the burger were a bit stale and decided to say nothing. But when she found that she was still unable to swallow the object after two minutes’ hard chewing, she decided to take the offending article out of her mouth.

“I was absolutely horrified at what I saw,” said Megan’s father, 42-year-old engineer Wallace, “as my daughter pulled the thing out of her mouth, I realised that it was a condom. Worse, it had obviously been used.”

When interviewed by the Observer, Liam Gutless, manager of the Froghill branch of I’ll Be Burgered, said: “We are, of course, deeply sorry for any distress we may have caused Megan and her father.

“Clearly there should no foreign bodies whatsoever in any of our food items. We’ll certainly be conducting a full and thorough investigation to find out who the culprit is and exactly what happened.

“The problem is that the ‘Twice As Tasty’ is a double burger. And, even if I say so myself, the two flaps of meat do look rather suggestive.

"Several members of staff have commented on this in the past and I can only imagine that one of them must have allowed his imagination to get the better of him.

“However, if there is a good side to all of this,” he added, “then at least the presence of the condom indicates that our staff members are practicing safe sex techniques.”

MAN FINED FOR STEALING BADGER TEETH

A man who stole teeth from over 513 badgers has finally been brought to book after he was caught by watchful wardens.

Roland Snipper, 37, was arrested after being seen loitering around the base of Traubert’s Hill with a squirming rucksack on several occasions during the months of September and October last year.

When his home in Traubert’s Heath was searched, police found a total of 2,700 badger teeth wrapped in cling film and hidden in the cistern of an upstairs toilet.

Appearing before Froghill Magistrates Court on Monday, Snipper admitted catching the badgers in a specially constructed snare made of teaspoons and a Happy Shopper bag. He also pleaded guilty to one count of unlawful anaesthesia and three counts of assault and dentistry.

Prosecuting counsel Peter Chaffe told the court that Snipper had deliberately endangered the lives of the animals by his actions.

He said: “Badgers are carnivorous animals which, when deprived of their teeth, experience great difficulty in eating. Many of your victims were reduced to raiding local shops and stealing cans of soup in their pathetic attempts to stay alive.

“I put it to you that you callously inflicted pain and suffering on these animals simply to line your own pocket.”

The court heard that the badger teeth were eventually destined for China, where they are much prized for their aphrodisiac qualities. A single tooth can fetch anything up to £75 on the black market, Mr Chaffe said.

Snipper was fined a total of £250 for stealing the teeth and ordered to pay £13,276.30 in costs. He was also forbidden to purchase or hire dental equipment within a 250 mile radius of Froghill.

COUNCIL SLAMMED IN ‘BRING OUT YOUR DEAD’ ROW

Froghill Council has sparked fury over a decision requiring relatives to personally remove the bodies of their loved ones from Fulton Road cemetery.

The council, which manages the cemetery, has written to more than 400 people asking them to empty their plots by the end of the month.

Officials claim that the cemetery is overfull and that the bodies “give the place a morbid air and make it smell a bit funny.”

But one woman, who has been ordered to remove members of her family from a mausoleum dating back to the late eighteenth century, spoke out against the council’s decision, calling it ‘irresponsible’.

Dolly Aitken, 61, a professional midget teaser of Stonechat Road, Traubert’s Heath, said: "I think the Council’s decision is totally irresponsible. There are 24 members of my family buried in that cemetery. I mean, I haven’t even got a shovel.

“And whatever am I to do with all those bones?"

When contacted by the Observer, Froghill Council confirmed that people had been asked to remove the mortal remains of their relatives from the cemetery.

However, deputy clerk Sue Foster refused to comment on rumours that the Council is in fact planning to develop the Fulton Road site as a theme park.

When questioned about Mrs Aitken and what she might do with her bones, Ms Foster replied that she had absolutely no idea.

"Perhaps she might consider buying herself a dog," she added.

SSH! IT'S KARAOKE NIGHT AT THE NUT TREE

Saturday night is karaoke night at The Nut Tree in Bancroft Street. “So what?" you might say, "lots of pubs have karaoke nights!”

And so they do - but not like this one. For the popular town centre pub has scored a No.1 hit by being the first in the country to feature karaoke for the deaf. Set up jointly by landlord Bill Blocker and the Froghill branch of the Hard Of Hearing Organisation (HOHO), 'Silent Nite' makes sure that karaoke at The Nut Tree is all about signing not singing.

Wannabe pop stars can get up on stage, follow the bouncing ball and sign along to their favourite hits. There are literally hundreds of titles to choose from, with selections including Silence is Golden by The Tremeloes, Sign O The Times by Prince and Action! Not Words by Def Leppard.

So all we are saying is get on down to The Nut Tree this Saturday and give peace a chance.

• Silent Nite @ The Nut Tree, Bancroft Street, Froghill. Every Saturday, 8 til late. Phone 0372 41227.

NO SEX PLEASE – WE’RE COUNCIL WORKERS

A rigorous new Anti-Climax policy is to be adopted by Froghill Council. The policy, based on the hard evidence of a nationwide study into sex and productivity, will come into force on April 1.

Under the terms of the new policy, council staff will be required to abstain from all sexual behaviour, both in the workplace and at home. Sexual activity, whether conducted singly, in pairs or in larger groups, will be permitted only during daylight hours on public holidays.

Dr Aidan Braithwaite, author of the Declining Industry and Carnal Knowledge Study (DICKS) told the Observer: “It is well-known that footballers refrain from having sex on the night before a big match. This is for the simple reason that sexual activity reduces stamina.”

“It is less well-known that over 100,000 working hours are lost in this country each year due to people being generally shagged out. Add to that the time lost by workers taking illicit wank breaks and we're looking at something in the region of 150,000 hours.

"For the good of the nation, we just can’t keep it up,” Dr Braithwaite added.

To ensure compliance with the new policy, all council staff are to be fitted with personal monitoring devices. These will be surgically implanted into the base of the abdomen and will detect sudden rises in body temperature, rhythmic movements of the pelvis and excess levels of frontal fluid emission.

SOLDIER TO GET HIS JUST DESERT

Kevin Baldock, the intrepid cross-dressing soldier who has already traversed Britain on a tricycle and swum the Atlantic, is to make a solo crossing of the Sahara on foot.

The courageous corporal will set off from Tunis on March 27 and expects to arrive in Dakar around two weeks later.

The 23-year-old Cpl Baldock, whose sponsored swim last December netted £103.67 for the Army Recognition of Sexual Equality Society (ARSES), a charity which promotes transgender issues in the military, told the Observer that he is very much looking forward to the challenge.

“I’m very much looking forward to the challenge,” he said.

Sponsored by local confectioner Priscilla’s Pastries, Cpl Baldock will wear a full-length, salmon-pink ballgown and stiletto heels for the duration of his walk. The front of his dress will be emblazoned with the slogan: 'Priscilla’s – Queen of the Desserts' and both of his brassiere cups with be filled with tiramisu.

When asked if he was worried about being in the middle of the desert all by himself, Cpl Baldock of The Willows, Swansdike, answered that he was used to his own company and not at all bothered by solitude.

“Besides, if I find it's all getting a bit too much, I’m sure there'll be a camel or two to help me over the hump,” he added.

Any other companies wishing to offer sponsorship can contact Cpl Baldock on 446 2820

JELLY BABIES PUT MAN IN HOSPITAL

A senior citizen was admitted to Froghill General yesterday afternoon after he crashed into a confectionery warehouse in Mungo Park Road.

Bob Smallpiece, 87, of Traubert’s Heath, was driving a green and white Triumph Herald which left the road and ploughed through the front wall of Sugar and Spice at around 5.20pm.

Mr Smallpiece suffered serious injuries when his car ruptured a bulk container of jelly babies which poured through its open sunroof and engulfed him.

Police suspect that faulty steering linkage on the 38-year-old vehicle may be been to blame for the accident.

NEW SPRING CAMPAIGN AGAINST CRIME

The success of late night police cycle patrols in various parts of the country has prompted Froghill Constabulary to take the concept one step further.

From the beginning of April, as part of the ‘Spring into Action against Crime’ campaign, the town centre streets will be policed by pairs of officers mounted on pogo sticks.

“The cycle patrol initiative has proved successful elsewhere in the country mainly due to the fact that it increases police visibility,” said Alan ‘The Hammer’ Hardman, Chief Inspector for the Froghill area.

“People these days simply do not expect to see coppers on bikes. And it is this increase in visibility that has had a deterrent effect upon the young thugs who plague our streets after dark.

“So we decided to pick up the ball and run with it,” said the Chief Inspector. “After all, if it works for coppers on bicycles, how much more should it work for coppers on pogo sticks?”

In addition to equipping night-time patrols with pogo sticks, the new campaign will see policemen wearing heavily studded leather uniforms, Jason Voorhees masks and luminous helmets. Officers will also be equipped with voice synthesisers to make them sound more gruff and frightening.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

In January, I entered a competition in Amateur Onanist magazine after reading about it in the Observer. And last week, I received a letter informing me that I had won first prize!

It has now arrived! WOW! A whole year’s supply of tissues! And all thanks to your timely coverage.

Hooray for the Froghill Observer - I really couldn't have done it without you!

Thanks again.

Donna K. Babb

Cheetingham

The Editor replies:

Several readers have contacted the Observer reporting a similar experience. You can rest assured that we will continue with the in-depth and incisive reporting for which we have become rightly famous.

BENEFIT CHEAT SENTENCED

A benefit fraudster has been ordered to do 200 hours of unpaid sexual service after claiming more than £3 million to which he was not entitled.

Ezra Pumphandle, 38, of Swindler's Lane, Traubert's Heath, claimed the benefits over a five-year period despite working throughout as a part-time duck strangler.

The 12-month sentence was handed down on Tuesday at Froghill Magistrates Court after Mr Pumphandle’s defence lawyer asked for 263 similar cases to be taken into consideration.

Mr Pumphandle’s sentence will require him to provide relief with lubrication and lewd gestures to senior citizens living in the Froghill area.

In view of the gravity of the case, Judge Neville Siliphant further stipulated that the defendant be required to wipe his clients with a scented cloth before taking them in hand.

If you suspect someone of making fraudulent benefit claims, phone the Shopthebastards Grassline on 0372 49999. All calls will be treated in confidence.

DEAD MAN ‘WAS PRESERVE ADDICT’

A man who was found dead in Froghill Town Library two weeks ago was the victim of suffocation, the Observer can reveal.

Preliminary findings suggest that the deceased was a preserve addict who died while inhaling marmalade through a rolled-up £10 note in the library’s ‘Crime’ section.

The man has been identified as Malcolm Breakwind, 43, an out-of-work mattress tester of Bessels Close, Withering,

“Forensic evidence revealed considerable deposits of sugar and orange peel in the nasal cavities,” said a police spokesman. “This, in conjunction with a thin film of citric acid coating the sinuses, led us to conclude that the victim suffocated while inhaling marmalade.

“The thickness and cut of the peel points to Frank Cooper’s Original Oxford as the most likely cause of death,” he added.

This is the first confectionery-related death in Froghill since 2003, when a teenage couple died after smoking jam at a party.

On that occasion, Froghill Magistrates Court returned a verdict of death by misadventure.

ELECTRIC PUSSY IS THE CAT’S WHISKERS

Meet the Feline Robo-Electric Device, a cyborg cat which stole the show at yesterday’s opening of the Technology for Healing, Inspiration, Caring and Keeping Intact Exhibition (THICKIE).

Developed by Froghill’s own Mogtronic Industries, FRED has sensors in his fur and eyes which allow him to walk, miaow, spray, scratch the furniture and defecate in a tray near the back door.

Inspired by Japan’s robot seal Paro, FRED looks every inch like a real cat. Primarily a therapeutic device, he is aimed at people who would like have a pet but are unable to care for living animals. He is expected to go on sale later this year with a price tag of between £50,000 and £50,012.

Mogtronic’s chief designer, Dr Silas Chipmunk, said: “Many people crave the company of animals but, for various reasons, are unable to keep pets at home. This might be because they are elderly, frail or prone to eating them.

“FRED replicates all the essential behaviours of a living cat but does not require feeding, a flea collar or carnal satisfaction,” Dr Chipmunk added.

“He can also be beaten repeatedly, dropped from an aeroplane or set on fire without suffering any lasting structural damage.”

THICKIE, at the Town Hall, runs until March 31. Entrance is £2.50, (children £1), free to the unemployed and people in possession of artificial body parts.

WOMAN HELD IN FLYING STRETCHER MISHAP

Police arrested a middle-aged woman yesterday (Monday) afternoon after a runaway stretcher crash-landed in a garden in Holly Bush Lane, Froghill.

Over thirty gnomes were ripped out of the lawn and several severely dented as the speeding trolley smashed into the garden of 90-year-old Alf Lamplighter.

Eyewitnesses estimate that it was travelling at about 75 mph at the moment of impact.

”The whole thing was just a blur,” said local resident Tilly Banstead, “it all happened so fast.”

It is understood that the woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had been drinking since lunchtime in several pubs around Froghill town centre.

“My mate and I were just unfolding a stretcher on the pavement,” said paramedic Ben Zedreen, “before going in to pick up a patient at the top of Holly Bush Lane.

“Suddenly this woman came lurching round the corner. She was obviously very much the worse for wear. She was red in the face and shouting something about jam.

"She came up to us and asked if we would give her a lift home. I was just explaining that we were an ambulance crew not a minicab service when Bam! she punched me in the mouth.

“Then she shouted ‘Home, James!’, jumped onto the stretcher and pushed off down Holly Bush Lane.”

The woman’s drunken joyride was short-lived, however. After a couple of near misses with oncoming traffic, the stretcher catapulted over a speed bump near the junction with Everdene Road and launched itself into the air. It flew some 30 feet before ploughing into Mr Lamplighter’s prized collection of gnomes, eventually coming to rest in an ornamental pond.

Police arrived on the scene soon afterwards and took the weed-encrusted woman, who was dazed but otherwise unhurt, into custody.

Interviewed later by the Observer, Mr Lamplighter, a veteran of the Normandy Landings, said: “What? Women in the garden? Never expected the Jerries to pull a trick like that. Fiendish blighters, the Jerries - you can’t trust 'em."

Then, with his eyes glazing over, Mr Lamplighter added: “I once had a woman in the garden, you know. Among the rhododendrons, it was.

“Magnificent breasts,” he sighed wistfully, before asking if we might ring for the nurse to come and relieve the pressure in his trousers.

GANGLING GANG PELTS MAN WITH VOLES

A 57-year-old man was pelted with voles yesterday evening by a gang of tall youths on Withering Green. This is the second such piece of anti-social behaviour in the village in the past seven days.

In this latest incident, Harry Nazeby, an assistant scrotum stapler of Saltmarsh Close, Withering, was walking his dog when he felt something soft bounce off the top of his head. This was followed by several more impacts to his back and shoulders.

“I thought at first the missiles might be hard boiled eggs,” said Mr Nazeby, “but eggs don’t make a squeaking noise when they hit you.

“And then, when I put my hand up to my head, my fingers came away all red and sticky. It was then I realised that this was no yolk.”

Police are keen to interview six ‘hoodies’, described by Mr Nazeby as being between nine and ten feet tall, with peculiar, high-pitched laughs and an unsteady, wobbling gait. They were last seen making off in the direction of Withering Pond.

If you have any information about yesterday’s incident, or if you are offered a cheap pair of stilts or a cylinder of helium, you should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

The Froghill Amateur Dramatic Society

FADS

presents

SPRINGTIME FOR HITLER

at St. Mark's Church Hall, Froghill

at 8pm, on Fri Mar 16 and Sat Mar 17, 2007
Tickets: £5 (adv) and £6 (on the door). Contact Daphne Stephenson on 0372 44719 or Pam Blackwell on 0372 41623, after 6pm.

MAN FLASHES PUSSY AT PENSIONER

A man indecently exposed himself in front of a senior citizen near the centre of Withering at dusk yesterday evening.

The victim, Ada Crockett, who is in her seventies and suffers from warts, was on her way back from Veejay’s News in the High Street and had just turned into Fiddlesticks Lane when a man shouted at her.

He said: “Look at my pussy!” and when she turned, Ms Crockett saw the man standing on the opposite side of the road with his flies open.

“I looked around to see where the voice was coming from,” said Ms Crockett, “and I thought ‘Oh, dear, not another bloody flasher - hope he’s bigger than the last one.’

“But instead of the usual apology hanging out of the front of his trousers, he had a Hello Kitty mask attached to his groin.

“He gyrated his hips and made it wiggle up and down in a very suggestive manner,” she added.

Police are appealing for information following the incident which happened just after six thirty.

The man is described as white, in his mid 20s, around four feet three inches tall, with a bushy moustache and one ear considerably larger than the other. He was wearing a Superman T shirt and may have been drunk at the time.

If you have recently seen anyone wearing a Hello Kitty mask or have any information about yesterday’s incident, you should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

THE ORGAN GRINDER’S COMEBACK

Keef Emerson, Greg Huntley and Karel Palmer, the 70’s supergroup popularly known as EHP, have reformed and are coming to Froghill.

With Palmer’s pulsating percussion and Huntley’s booming bass, EHP were always going to be more than a simple sum of their parts. But when you added Keef’s onanistic organ to the mix, then it was plain to see why they shot to superstardom.

Unlike any keyboardist before or since, Keef Emerson was able to get his organ to do the most unbelievable things. His trademark was to make it squeal in agony by spinning it around on its end and grinding it into the floor. Sometimes he even stuck daggers into it.

EHP had a run of chart-topping albums in the 1970s, with hits including Trilobite, Strained Ballad Burglary and Exhibition at the Pictures.

The trio eventually called it a day in 1978, going their separate ways and pursuing various career paths. Greg Huntley recorded a saccharine ditty entitled I Believe in Cash at Christmas which even now is a staple of the festive season. Karel Palmer left the music business altogether and set up a cavity wall insulation company in his native Birmingham.

Keef Emerson, meanwhile, dallied with acting, playing a peanut in cult smash The Blues Brothers and a ventilation shaft in softcore pornflick Emmanuelle Exposed. He returned to music full-time in 1992, writing for TV and producing, among other things, the theme song to children’s gourmet show The Deli Tubbies.

When asked if he would still be able to lift his organ onstage, Keef, now 83, told the Observer : “Well, I’ve been fitted with a special orthopaedic truss which I had custom made in Switzerland. The effect is amazing, it’s like being a young man again.

“So no, I don’t think I’ll have any trouble getting it up like I used to.”

• Emerson, Huntley and Palmer, Froghill Assembly Rooms, Friday, March 23, tickets £2.25 to £2.50. Call 0372 45555.

MAN ARRESTED IN TERROR SWOOP

Acting on a tip-off, bomb squad officers raided a private address in Swansdike yesterday afternoon and arrested a man 'of Middle-Eastern appearance' under the Terrorism Act.

Police evacuated at least 60 people from their homes prior to the operation and a 100-metre cordon was set up around the property in Blunderbuss Lane.

A black, spherical object with the word ‘bomb’ written on it in crudely stencilled letters was removed from the house and remotely detonated on a nearby patch of waste ground.

Ali Al Fulani, a respected surgeon at Froghill General who has lived in the house for the last 16 years, was released without charge later in the day.

Back at his home yesterday evening, 44-year-old Dr Al Fulani told the Observer that the bomb was a plastic toy he had bought at Hoax-U-Like in St Alfege Street, Froghill.

“I bought it as a bit of fun for my kid’s birthday party,” he said.

Asked for his reaction to the day’s events, Councillor Dennis Meddings stressed the need for greater police powers and increased surveillance of foreigners.

When it was pointed out to him that the arrest was made in error and the bomb was a joke, the Councillor was heard to mutter something about ‘not seeing the funny side’ before turning on his heel and walking away.

KEVIN GETS TULIPS FROM HAMSTER CRAM

They were filling ‘em up in more ways than one at The Roebuck, Withering, yesterday as customers found a traditional way to celebrate International Hamster Day.

“The idea came to me after I found an old book at a jumble sale last November,” said Roebuck landlord Michael Smedley.

“It was all about local customs and traditions, and in it I came across a reference to an old-fashioned contact sport called ‘Hamster Cram’. And I thought it would be an ideal way to celebrate the day.”

Hamster Cram, last practiced in the Froghill area in the 1920s, is a test of endurance - and it's certainly not for the fainthearted! It involves stripping off the trousers and then confining as many hamsters as possible inside one’s underpants for a count of twenty. Should any animal suffocate or wriggle free, the player is automatically disqualified.

The sport’s challenge comes not only in the logistical difficulty of keeping so many squirming creatures in an enclosed space but also from the rodents’ sharp teeth and their natural tendency to nip at soft, spherical objects.

The winner of this unusual sport is traditionally rewarded with a bunch of damask tulips.

Yesterday’s sponsored event raised £277.36 for charity with the flower prize being claimed by 27-year-old van driver Kevin McManus.

When asked for the secret of his success, Kevin, who survived the count with 31 Syrians down his Y-Fronts, smiled knowingly and said: “Reinforced gussets.”

LORRY ACCIDENT CAUSES ERECTION

A section of the Swansdike Road was blocked in both directions this morning after a pharmaceutical lorry skidded and then overturned.

Congestion continued for several hours after the lorry swerved at the notorious One Tree Bend and shed its load of Viagra. A man walking his dog, who accidently swallowed several capsules as he shouted to raise the alarm, was taken to Froghill General suffering from shock and aggravated erection. No one else was injured.

The incident is just the latest in a long line of mishaps on this stretch of road. Only a month ago the Observer reported an increase in accidents in this area due to wads of damp tissues being thrown from car widows.

VOCAL GROUP OFFERS SINGING BEREAVEMENT MESSAGES

Being the bearer of bad news is never easy, but a Froghill women's trio have hit upon a novel way of helping you do the job.

Acapella group ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’ will help the medicine go down by popping up at a relative’s home or workplace and breaking the news of a loved-one's death or injury in three-part harmony.

Founder member Bonnie Donegan said: "The idea came to me after my hamster fell out of his wheel and fractured his skull. A neighbour phoned me at work to tell me.

“If only that news could have been broken more gently, I’m sure the grieving process would have been nowhere near as protracted.”

The trio’s repertoire includes the Doors’ classic The End, along with Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jacks, Don’t Fear The Reaper by the Blue Öyster Cult, M*A*S*H theme Suicide Is Painless and Megadeth’s In My Darkest Hour.

As an added bonus, if your tragic news involves more than one person killed or injured, ‘A Spoonful of Sugar’ will sing a second song free.

Prices range from £45 for news of hospitalisation to £150 for motorway pile-ups. Phone Bonnie on 0372 48815 or email BonDon@shitmail.com