CLOWNS STRIKE AGAIN

The second clown attack in less than a fortnight took place yesterday evening in the gentlemen’s conveniences on Froghill Common.

This time the victim was unemployed gigolo Rudi Bitz, who entered the facility around 7pm and went into one of the cubicles.

“I always stop at the conveniences during my evening walk,” said 28-year-old Mr Bitz, “they’re so clean and they have very good mirrors.

“I’d just shut the door and sat down when this white, gloved hand came over the top of the cubicle wall. It was holding a candy-striped walking stick. I was so astonished I literally couldn’t do anything.

“I just sat there – talk about a rabbit in the headlights!"

The handle of the stick was deftly looped around Mr Bitz’ neck and then, with one sharp motion, it was pulled upwards, yanking him to his feet.

“Well, I’ve certainly never been jerked like that in a public toilet before,” said Mr Bitz, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Then the cubicle door burst open and a clown waddled in. I just couldn't believe my eyes. He stood there looking at me for a moment and then his hair stood on end.

“Then he started laughing hysterically and pushed a custard pie in my face. I was so gobsmacked that I just stood where I was, with my trousers and pants around my ankles, while he and his friend ran away.”

Anyone with information on either of the recent attacks should phone Froghill Constabulary’s special Clownline on 0372 45678. All calls will be treated in confidence.

HAMSTERS BRAIN DAMAGED AFTER PAPERBOY ATTACK SHOCKER

A nine-year-old boy has been hospitalised and two hamsters placed in intensive care after a savage and shocking attack in Withering.

The incident occurred as paperboy Sebastian Labrat cycled up to a house in Bigglesworth Road to deliver a copy of the Observer.

Speaking from his bed in Froghill General, where he is being treated for shock and shredded shoe laces, Sebastian said: I’d never been to that particular house before, it was only added to my round that morning.

“As I cycled up the driveway, I could hear the faint but increasing sound of growling. This was accompanied by what sounded like the patter of tiny feet.

“Then, suddenly, a flap in the bottom of the front door burst open and they came at me. They flew at my trainers and started gnawing the laces,” stammered Sebastian, before the shaking became so bad that we had to terminate the interview.

According to their owner, who cannot be named for legal reasons, the two hamsters were merely acting in self defence.

“Bill and Ben regard my property as their territory,” the man said, “and any invasion of it as a signal to attack. It’s just unfortunate that I’d forgotten to bolt the hatch before I went to bed the previous evening.”

As Sebastian frantically shook his feet, the two hamsters became dislodged. He then desperately tried to pedal to safety.

The two rodents launched themselves at him again, this time fixing their teeth into the front tyre of his bicycle.

As the wheel revolved, both animals received several hard blows to the tops of their skulls.

The hamsters, both Patagonian Pit Bulls, were reported to be in a serious condition upon being admitted to a maximum security veterinary clinic at 8am yesterday.

Emma Podworthy, senior rodent rehab consultant at Pet Penitentiary, said: “Both animals were concussed by the repeated blows and there is every likelihood that they will be permanently brain damaged as a result.”

This is not the first time that the two rodents have attacked without provocation. In June of last year, the Observer reported that local residents were starting a petition after Bill and Ben shredded a man’s trouser turnups in the street.

BOLLARDS FOR FORMER MAYOR

A former mayor is to be commemorated by the unveiling of a dual erection in the town centre.

Mayor Harry Webb, who died in a freak accident involving a pork pie and a tin of shoe polish on April 27, 2004, is to be honoured three years to the day after his death.

Two bollards were chosen for the memorial to remind people of the distinctive lumps which projected from either side of Mayor Webb’s head, requiring him to spend his life wearing hats at a jaunty angle.

Present-day mayor Peter Rudge will preside over the unveiling ceremony, which takes place outside the public conveniences in St Alfege Street, at 10am on Friday, April 27.

STARS GIVE RECTAL SUPPORT

More stars have signed up to help raise money for a new rectal scouring unit at Froghill General.

Signed photos of Rearenders actress Barbara Windors, Crap Gear presenter Jeremy Klaxon, footballer Frank Lampost, rapper Nifty Scent and Froghill's own bladder squeezer Ginger Benbowe will be going under the hammer at the Town Hall on Friday May 4th.

They add to an already star-studded list which includes Harrison Fart, Manlie Barrilowe, Mariah Scarey, Lucy Liuroll, Victoria Feckham, Dame Judi Drench, Wayne Looney and Jenson Mutton.

Auction tickets, priced at £782.50, are available by phoning 0372 45678 or logging on to www.bumscrape.org.

MINI MART HIT - AGAIN

A shop in Withering High Street has been targeted by burglars for the second time in six months.

Last October, a break-in at Langham’s Mini Mart occurred during a village-wide crime spree which had local residents cowering in terror.

Yesterday evening the shop was burgled again. Upon arriving at work this morning, 47-year-old proprietor Jeff Langham noticed a small, circular hole bored in the base of his back door. Nothing else was damaged and the door did not appear to have been forced.

On this occasion, £2.47 in cash, two bags of Really Cheesy Wotsits and a candle stub were stolen.

Police forensic experts later removed minute traces of string fibre from the edges of the hole and a quantity of small, round droppings from a display shelf inside the shop.

“The nature of the haul, the string fibres and the droppings all suggest the use of remote-controlled mice to pull off the robbery,” a police spokesman told the Observer.

“If this proves to be the case, it marks a new and particularly disturbing development in breaking and entering,” he added.

If you have any information about Tuesday’s robbery or if you know of anyone who regularly ties up rodents, you should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

NO OLD BAGS IN FROGHILL, THANKS TO MICHELLE

A nationwide competition to design an environmentally friendly carrier bag has been won by a Froghill College student.

The competition, which was the brainchild of environmental group the Trees, Water And Terrain Society (TWATS), required entrants to design a bag which, while maintaining the strength and economy of plastic, would completely degrade after a set period of time.

The first prize of £53.20 was awarded to Michelle Duckwitz, 19, of Old Mill Road, Swansdike, for her invention of a bag which spontaneously combusts after two hours.

“I made the bag in the chemistry lab at college,” said Michelle.

“The plastic used in the design has minute sensors integrated into its molecular structure,” she explained, “so that a countdown process is activated as soon as anything weighing over 50 grams is placed in the bag.

“Then, after a period of exactly two hours, the bag bursts into flame and burns at a temperature in excess of 350°C, which ensures that it is totally consumed in under four seconds.”

In order to avoid accidental injury to its owner, the bag also features an alarm clock attached to one of its handles by a piece of string. The alarm clock can be set to ring just prior to combustion.

When asked what might happen should the alarm clock prove to be defective, Michelle replied that she was thrilled to have won and would celebrate by treating her boyfriend to a takeaway from I’ll Be Burgered.

ACCIDENTAL FORWARD SETS COUNCIL BACK

Members of Froghill Town Council have been caught red-faced and red-handed after a junior staff member accidentally forwarded an internal email to everyone on the Council’s mailing list.

The staff member in question was a part-time secretary who has since left the Council’s employ, the Observer can reveal.

The mail concerns a Council fact-finding trip to our twin town of Horsbaden, made in March of this year. It describes how the party of four councillors made an unscheduled two-day stop in Amsterdam on their return journey. It then goes on to itemise the expenses incurred.

The list includes 5-star hotel accommodation and restaurants, as well as the sum of £965.81 spent at the ‘Smoky Bear A Go Go Striptease Bar and Animal Sanctuary’ in the city’s infamous Walletjes district.

When asked by the Observer if he or his colleagues had ever misused ratepayer’s money, Councillor Dennis Meddings insisted that the bar visit was “purely for research purposes” and that “although he never put his hand in his pocket, he never took his trousers down either.”

The Councillor was then heard to mutter an abusive two-word phrase before turning on his heel and walking away.

POLICE RELEASE DESCRIPTIONS OF CLOWNS

Froghill Constabulary has released the descriptions of two clowns who forcibly subjected a man to their antics in Friar’s Lane, Traubert’s Heath, on April 15.

The victim was walking alone at 9pm when the pair emerged from a small yellow and red car with steam issuing from the radiator.

One of the pair held the man pinioned, while the other tweaked his nose, threw a bucket of confetti over him and filled the front of his trousers with whitewash. Both assailants then repeatedly parped a squeeze-bulb horn before bumping into one another and running off in the direction of the Fox and Hounds.

The first clown was of medium height and was dressed in a white, one-piece suit with black pompom buttons down the front. He was wearing a pointed hat and had a tear drop painted onto his left cheek.

The second clown was of chubby build and had a big, red nose, a painted mouth and large black crosses pencilled over his eyes. He was wearing baggy checked trousers held up with braces, a revolving bow tie and size 62 shoes.

STUDENT TO SPEND FORTNIGHT MILKING TAPIRS

An intrepid Froghill College student will be jetting off on Monday to spend two weeks as a volunteer in Colombia.

Once there, physical education major Matthew Granger, 21, will be lending a hand in the country’s newly-established tapir milking programme.

Matthew will be working on a farm about 50 miles outside the capital, Bogota. The farm collects and packages tapir sperm, which is then sent to the United States, where it is highly prized as a cure for baldness.

Not only does this initiative provide much-needed hard currency for the impoverished South American nation, it is also seen as a way to reduce Colombia’s excessive dependence on coca cultivation and processing.

Matthew will be working alongside three other like-minded people from around Britain, all of whom volunteered as part of the Alternative Cures from Developing Countries (AC/DC) project.

He has already taken part in an intensive five-day orientation session in London to prepare the volunteers for the rigours of day-to-day life on a tapir farm.

“As a milker, my job will involve squatting inside a mock-up of a female tapir, which will be wheeled into a field full of males," said Matthew.

"By imitating the noise a female makes when aroused, I should be able to get males to approach and then mount the mock-up. Then, when a male thrusts his member through the hole in the rear, I grab the business end and direct it into a collecting bottle to catch the ejaculate.

“I’m very much looking forward to the experience,” said Matthew.

“And it’s nice to know that the fruits of my labours will not only benefit Colombia but also bring hope to those afflicted with the curse of male pattern baldness,” he added.

YES! OH, MY GOD! IT’S TOM!

Meet Tom Bowler, a man with an unusual and satisfying job. For 36-year-old Tom is this country’s one and only bedroom vocaliser.

Tom, of Bessels Close, Withering, makes his living by standing in a corner of the bedroom and supplying the passionate noises for shy couples while they make love.

“Before this, I used to be a ventriloquist,” said Tom, “and, as the climax of my stage act, I would have my dummy simulate an orgasm.

“The audience’s reaction to this was unfailingly ecstatic, and, after a while, it occurred to me that I was tapping into something far deeper than simple recognition.”

So Tom put an ad in the window of Veejay's News, offering his services to couples who wanted their lovemaking to be more raucous but were too embarrassed to do it for themselves.

“I got over 50 responses in one week alone,” said Tom, “and I set up my ‘Second Coming’ company soon afterwards.”

Typically, Tom’s job involves a lot of night work. He will usually be hired by a couple to stand behind the curtains and throw his voice, projecting the ‘Yes, yes!', ‘Oh, my God!’ and ‘You’re so good!’ ejaculations in the direction of the bed.

The vocal repertoire he perfected for his ventriloquism act allows him to effortlessly 'do' the voices of both partners.

Then, after the couple has achieved climax, Tom will surreptitiously tiptoe from the room, picking up his £175 fee on the way out of the house.

“It’s usually put in a plain envelope and left on a table in the hallway,” said Tom.

Tom has been plying his trade in and around the Froghill area for the last five years and now has it off to a fine art.

“It’s like anything else, really," he said modestly, "you just need to keep your hand in and practice regularly.”

And all that practice has clearly paid off. When asked for a demonstration of his skills, Tom was able to mimic Councillor Meddings' wife achieving orgasm in a very convincing and highly amusing fashion.

OLD FOLKS A BURNING ISSUE

A freak pensioner fire in Froghill has led to a warning from firefighters as the region heads for its driest spell since 1375.

Retired woggle bender Alf Wilmshurst, 83, was sitting in his back garden gassing shrews when he burst into flames yesterday afternoon.

Crews from the Froghill Fire Service were called and arrived in time to extinguish Mr Wilmshurst before the fire took serious hold. He was later admitted to Froghill General and treated for shock and charred extremities.

Speaking after the event, firefighter Ted Denbigh, said: “Senior citizens are particularly vulnerable to conflagration during long spells without rain. Being generally drier than younger people, they are up to seven times more likely to spontaneously combust.”

"It’s a good idea to dampen old folks regularly, about once an hour or so, and to take care to prevent them from ever fully drying out.” added firefighter Denbigh. “Immersing both feet in a bucket of water is usually enough to do the trick.

“Stub cigarettes out at a safe distance from your elderly relatives and make sure to put the end in an ash tray. Any external electrical appliances fitted to them should be unplugged before you retire for the night.”

The Editor writes:

Do any of our readers have unusual or amusing stories about senior citizens bursting into flame? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

‘LE WEEKEND’, CHEETINGHAM STYLE

Pupils from Cheetingham CE Primary School played host to children from our twin town of Jument Sur Mer over the Easter weekend.

A total of 25 pupils from L’Ecole du Petit Cheval spent the four-day period staying with local families and experiencing life in an English village.

The weekend started on Good Friday in the church hall, when the excited French visitors said 'oh, la la!' to such traditional pastimes as worm chopping, tadpole swallowing and hamster cram.

On Saturday, the children were treated to a good, old-fashioned 'night down the pub’, during which the landlord of The Bull and Pizzle laid on as much beer as they could drink. A carefully staged fight between the two groups in the car park afterwards lent extra colour and authenticity to the evening.

The ritual Sunday morning hangover was followed by an eye-popping afternoon at the Traubert’s Heath abbatoir, giving the French youngsters the opportunity to see firsthand just exactly what goes into ‘le rosbif’.

Add to that a trip to the methane processing plant on Mungo Park Road, and it was a tired but happy group of eight-year-olds who said 'au revoir' to their hosts and set off for home on Monday evening.

YOUR WEEK IN THE STARS

with

Krystle Gaising

ARIES (March 20 – April 19)
With Mars in the ascendant, the warlike elements in your nature will come to the fore this week. So now is the time to stop politely asking your neighbour to trim back that overhanging vine and do something about it. Sneak round there while they’re all asleep, pour a gallon of petrol through their letterbox and then toss in a match. And don’t forget to take a couple of potatoes with you to roast in the embers.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
It’s becoming pretty obvious that you’re in over your head. You can’t keep having the family lie on the floor with handkerchiefs stuffed in their mouths, pretending to be out. One of these days those men are going to break the door down and then where will you be? Take stock of the situation and make it a priority to sort out your finances. Then get yourself a shotgun, saw off both barrels, pull on a ski mask and make your way down to the nearest NatWest. Your lucky currency is the Euro.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
You seem to have been at a loose end recently and this isn’t helping your temper any. Rather than taking it out on your nearest and dearest, why not take up a hobby instead? Mould cultivation, scrotal carving or worm farming would suit that Geminian character to a tee, and you’d have the satisfaction of knowing that your creative energy has found a useful outlet. A chance meeting on Saturday will ruin your second best pair of shoes.

CANCER (June 21 – July 21)
Love and romance are definitely indicated this week, so now’s the time to do something about your appearance. A course of rectal Botox injections will do wonders for your posterior profile - and your confidence to boot. So why not splash out? Then, when you do chance to encounter that special person, you’ll be safe in the knowledge that your arse is as firm as a Stilton cheese after two hours in the fridge. Your lucky colour is white, veined with blue.

LEO (July 22 – August 22)
Saturn will enter Uranus later this week, causing you more than a little discomfort. Be on the alert for people who follow you home from the bus stop – they’ll inevitably be sexual deviants who are attracted by that pungent animal musk you secrete. Someone will offer you a cheap copy of Elton Ben’s Greatest Hits around mid week. Accept, by all means, but be careful.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Affairs of the heart are particularly well starred this week, so now’s the time to get that bypass operation done. A chance meeting on Friday will lead to a torrid but indiscreet affair which will eventually break up your marriage, cause your children to revile you and leave you a hopeless, mumbling alcoholic who wanders about in the middle of the road, directing traffic. Your lucky number is 1,492.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra is the sign of the scales, which explains what’s been happening to your skin of late. There is very little you can do about this, despite the fact that the taunts of one particular co-worker have been making life very difficult for you. But you don’t just have to suffer in silence – if they think you look like an alligator, then why not live up to their expectations? Slither up to their desk on your belly, fasten your teeth around their ankle and then wrench their leg out of its socket with one sharp, sideways movement of your head.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Although it may be a cliché to say that you will meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger, this is precisely what will happen in the early part of next week. You can also expect this person to beat you to within an inch of your life before making off with your house keys, money and all your credit cards. On a more positive note, you will find a full Harvesters loyalty card on the bus on Tuesday, which will entitle you to a free steak dinner for yourself and two members of your family at any one of their outlets nationwide.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
It seems like you’ve been on a non-stop roller coaster ride of late, but all good things must come to an end. By the weekend, you can expect to have developed a stubborn case of halitosis which will have even family members vomiting copiously when you talk to them. Add to this the injuries you will sustain while operating an electric carving knife at a magic mushroom and Absinthe party on Sunday, and it’s fair to say that this will not be the best week of your life. Your lucky first aid tool is the tourniquet.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
One of the nicest things in life is when a sudden windfall comes your way, giving you a little extra cash to spend on yourself. What would you do with the money? Take a foreign holiday, buy a new car or play the stock market? Have an extension built onto the house? Well there isn’t going to be any windfall, so dream on. You should expect a skin graft operation to go horribly wrong on Monday.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 17)
As a shy sort of person, you’ve always been secretly attracted to powerful people. And this week, when the Moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, you’ll be inclined to indulge that attraction more openly. So take out a membership at your local gym, dress yourself up in tight-fitting lycra then stand and stroke your crotch while you stare at the big boys working out. It’s bound to make you feel better and – who knows? – it might just lead to some kind of contact.

PISCES (February 18 – March 19)
This is a good week for business, especially if you are an arms dealer or a tattooist. The death of an elderly family member will bring much amusement at the weekend, as will the news that your boss has been the victim of a freak accident involving an air filter and a copy of Hello! magazine. Avoid the temptation to buy a job lot of terrapins on Saturday, no matter how much of a bargain it might at first appear.

IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY

The last year has been a difficult one for you. Being in prison is never easy, particularly when your cellmate happens to be a psychotic acid bath murderer. But with parole due next week, it’s time to put the tribulations of the past twelve months behind you and start building a life again.

TENT COLLAPSES AFTER RABBIT SHAVING BRAWL

Thirty six people were hospitalised, with one being taken into intensive haircare, after a fight broke out during the semi-finals of the Easter rabbit shaving contest on Froghill Common last Monday.

The annual event, judged by local businessman George Chittling, ended in chaos after a fight between 27 year-old defending champion Ainsley Rudge and 24 year-old newcomer Brendan Smallpiece brought the marquee down.

According to Mr Rudge, the problems started during the line-up. As the rabbits were being locked into place, he alleges that Mr Smallpiece started to taunt him.

Speaking with some difficulty from his bed in Froghill General, Mr Rudge said: “I’d trained all year for this. And I was buggered if I was going to shave against someone who wouldn’t play fair.

“He sneered at me and said I couldn’t strip my own underpants with a blowlamp,” said Mr Rudge, through wired-up jaws. “And then, after the judge blew his whistle, he kept saying ‘What’s Up, Doc?’ and doing that silly Bugs Bunny laugh.

“Well, there’s only so much of that you can take isn’t there?”

According to spectator Ian Ballsover, the contestants were seconds into their heat when Mr Rudge suddenly yelled and lunged at his neighbour. A tussle ensued, with the defending champion slashing at his opponent’s hair with a pair of clippers and Mr Smallpiece retaliating with blows to his assailant’s face.

“The two of them went rolling over and over on the ground,” said Mr Ballsover, “and bits of Brendan’s hair were flying all over the place. Then they collided with the judge’s podium and all the cups and everything came crashing down.”

The force of the impact caused Mr Chittling, the podium’s occupant, to catch his left foot in one of the rabbit cages. As he toppled over backwards, the cage went up into the air, gaping open and spilling out rabbits. Accidentally swallowing his microphone, Mr Chittling then fell heavily into the back wall of the marquee.

With Mr Chittling’s amplified gurgles filling the air, the marquee’s overstretched guy ropes began to pull their pegs out of the ground. The crowd, many of whom had been drinking since mid-morning, started to grow uneasy and move towards the exits. Then someone stepped on an escaped rabbit and the resulting squeal was sufficient to trigger a full-scale stampede.

At this point, the final restraining pegs gave way and, among the flailing limbs and raining rabbits, the marquee teetered over and came crashing down onto Mr Chittling’s Lexus LS460, which was parked just outside.

Mr Chittling, whose previous car was destroyed by a burning Christmas tree last December, was taken to Froghill General, where he is expected to spend at least a week in traction.

When informed by the Observer of the fate of his new car, he said: “I just don’t know what to say.

“I mean, I’ve heard of setting the fur flying, but this is ridiculous!”

A LOAD OF OLD BALONEY AT THE ASSEMBLY ROOMS

Get out your hot pants! Dust off your Afro wig! Put a little polish on those platform shoes! For legendary disco fluffsters Baloney M have reformed and are playing the Assembly Rooms this weekend.

The flamboyant fourpiece, known for their eye-catching costumes as much as their good time party music, will be reviving all the hits as they take in Froghill as part of their ‘Grand Daddy Cool’ tour.

With gems like Rivers Of Baby Lotion, Master Bater, Vlad Putin and the unforgettable Drowned Girl In The Drink, Baloney M were hardly out of the charts back in the discolicious Seventies.

But as the decade waned, the band’s fortunes waned with them. By 1982, the once proud disco divas found themselves reduced to doing three shows a night on the scampi circuit. And in one well-documented incident, a show in Majorca had to be stopped, and 15 people hospitalised, after a buffalo wing fight broke out between band and audience.

The mid-eighties saw Baloney M at their lowest ebb, singing to customers in a gay delicatessen in Karlsruhe, with all four group members now battling a chronic addiction to lip gloss.

Yet with the nineties came hope, as the band discovered the ancient philosophy of Transcendental Eructation. Once clean, the band’s decision to get the glitter out and give it another go was both spontaneous and unanimous.

“They may look like paunchy prima donnas in bacofoil,” manager Joe Svengali told the Observer, “and God knows they need the money. But I can assure you they still turn out a top class show!”

So put on your dancing shoes and boogie on down to the Assembly Rooms this Friday. The evening includes a scampi supper and support from cross-eyed balloon artist ‘Mad’ Micky Wilmott.

• Baloney M, Froghill Assembly Rooms, Friday, April 13. Tickets £2.54 (£1.62 concs) include free raffle entry with a top prize of a hernia kit signed by the band. Call 0372 45555.

SHELLEY ANSWERS THE CALL OF NATURE

A worried couple are all at sea after their pet mollusc Shelley was discovered missing on Friday morning.

Ted Cracker, 73, and his wife Eileen have put up posters near their home offering a reward of £27.50 following the invertebrate's disappearance.

“We put him to bed a bit earlier than usual last Thursday evening,” said Mr Cracker from the sitting room of his Withering home. “Being as it had been sunny and everything, he’d spent the day perched on the edge of his enamel basin. He was looking a bit tired after all the excitement.

“Then, when Eileen went out with his breakfast on the Friday morning, the slab of rock where he spends the night was completely empty.

“We found him on Clifton Sands last summer,” added Mr Crocker, “and we brought him back with us on the train. We named him Shelley after the poet.

“I can only guess that he got homesick and is trying to make his way back to his natural habitat. There was no note or anything.”

Mr Cracker, who was once diagnosed as ‘severely delusional’ by a team of Europe’s most eminent psychiatrists, said that they just didn’t know what they were going to do without Shelley.

“I just don’t know what we’re going to do without Shelley,” he said. “Both Eileen and I love him like a son.”

Shelley, who measures ¾ inch across and sports a ribbed, blue-black carapace, has a distinctive jagged scar on his underside, gained in a fight with a limpet two years ago.

Anyone seeing an unaccompanied shellfish, particularly one travelling on public transport bound for the coast, should contact Mr Cracker on 255 6481.

COCONUTS CUT WATER

Over 27 households woke up to find their water supply was off this morning.

The disruption affected homes and businesses in the Mesopotamia Road area of Swansdike.

”The supply was shut down around 5.48am,” said a spokesperson for water mains maintenance company, Pipes-U-Like.

“Our engineers traced the problem to a resident in Milkwort Close who flushed 58 coconuts down his toilet yesterday evening, leading to a blockage in the outflow sewer pipe.

"Due to the very real danger of an aggravated aqueous contraflow situation developing, we were forced to cut the mains water supply.

“Apparently the coconuts were past their sell-by date and the man was concerned that his children might eat them by accident," the spokesperson said.

The blockage was cleared and the water supply restored just before 11am.

The Editor writes:

Do any of our readers have unusual, heartwarming or amusing stories about coconut-related blockages? The Observer will pay £10 for each one published.

THREE CRUCIFIED IN TOWN CENTRE

Stiff-U-Like will be bringing a little seasonal authenticity to Froghill this Easter with an unusual and controversial public sculpture.

For the funeral directors in The Beeches has decided to use three of its ‘customers’ to create a crucifixion scene which will stand in the centre of the precinct until the end of next week.

Stiff-U-Like’s manager, Dominic Restinpeece, said: "Some people may be shocked by the exhibit, but we wanted to get people thinking about the true meaning of Easter. It's not just a season of chocolate and chicks, after all.

“Easter should be a time of reflection, a time when we realise that death and life are inextricably connected,” he said.

Stiff-U-Like’s eye-catching triptych features three full-size wooden crosses, the central one supporting a corpse held in place with six-inch nails. The other two structures hold bodies which are attached with rope.

“Luckily, we just happened to have a man with long hair in stock and he was perfect for the part of the Messiah,” said Mr Restinpeece.

“We drew a beard on him with eyebrow pencil and then dressed him in a loincloth. The crown of thorns came from some brambles our driver found while he was playing the oboe on Froghill Common.

“The thieves on either side are dressed in cloth tunics, both of which we emblazoned with our slogan: ‘Whether You Bury ‘Em or Burn ‘Em, We Won’t Spurn ‘Em’.

“All in all, we think it makes quite a statement.”

Not everyone shares his enthusiasm, however. Upon hearing of Mr Restinpeece’s extraordinary erection, Councillor Dennis Meddings said: “I’m not a religious man myself, but I can’t say I’m in favour of this. I mean, if it were a relative of mine, I’m not so sure I’d want them hanging up there for all and sundry to gawk at.

“Besides,” he added, “what if some little toerag decides to steal the loin cloth?”

BOLLARD DESTROYED BY FIRE

A town centre bollard was almost entirely destroyed by fire yesterday evening.

The bollard, which was hand-carved from the wooden leg of famed entrepreneur Sir Josiah Shagnastie, had stood at the north end of St Alfege Street since 1824.

Two appliances from the Froghill Fire service arrived at the scene around 9.34 pm, by which time the bollard had been almost totally consumed.

Firefighter Ted Denbigh said that, in his opinion, the cause of the fire could almost certainly be attributed to a freak lightning strike.

The remaining stump will put on permanent display in the ‘Froghill and the Industrial Revolution’ section at the Fanshawe Museum of Local History in Bancroft Street.

EASTER BUNNY IN PRIMARY SCHOOL PUNCH-UP SHOCKER

Fur and feathers flew last week when the Easter Bunny paid his annual visit to the pupils of a local school.

One child was treated for shock and two men were arrested after a fight broke out in a classroom at St Tapir’s Primary on Friday afternoon.

“It was obvious from the beginning that something was badly wrong,” said class teacher Michael Hawthorne.

“The Bunny was very unsteady on his feet and collided with the door frame as he came into the room. He belched audibly and then started giggling and scratching his genitals. It was pretty clear that he’d been drinking heavily.”

There was worse to come, however. Holding onto a desk for support and swaying from side to side, the Bunny started to address the children.

“His voice was very slurred,” said Mr Hawthorne, “and it was almost impossible to hear what he was trying to say. He muttered something about Easter and getting hung up, but it was all very garbled.

"The children were a bit frightened and one of them raised a hand to ask him to speak up.

“At this, the Bunny lost his temper and started shouting incoherently. He was waving his paws about and I could make out the words ‘little’, ‘bastard’ and ‘toerag’ from among the torrent of abuse.

“I decided that enough was enough, so I moved forward to take him by the arm and escort him from the room.

“But as I approached him, he lashed out at me with his forepaw, so I responded by punching him in the jaw.

"It was purely an instinctive reaction, I did it without thinking,” added Mr Hawthorne, a 15-stone ex-rugby player.

The children watched in horror as the Bunny reeled backwards into the Easter display at the front of their classroom. Losing his balance completely, he fell full-length onto the table containing a basket of chocolate eggs and a cage full of week-old chicks.

The table collapsed under his weight, leaving the Bunny groaning on the floor in a gooey mess of shattered eggs and dying birds.

“As he got to his knees his head rolled off,” said Mr Hawthorne, “and he put his hands onto one of the desks to lever himself up.

“It was then that he vomited all over a small boy in the front row.”

“We were called to St Tapir’s at 3.46pm,” said DS Geoff Bunton of Froghill Constabulary, “after being notified of a disturbance in one of the classrooms.

"As we entered the premises, we saw the teacher Mr Hawthorne repeatedly kicking a man in a rabbit costume who was lying on the floor in the foetal position."

The two men were taken to Froghill police station from where Mr Hawthorne was later released without charge. The Easter Bunny, real name Marlon Dobbs, an unemployed actor from Swansdike, was detained for further questioning.

After contacting girlfriend Kelly Barlow, the Observer can reveal that the 27-year-old Mr Dobbs is a manic depressive who was last year diagnosed as severely allergic to children.

NOISE NUISANCE MAN FINED

A Cheetingham man paid the price for his vindictiveness at Froghill Magistrate’s Court yesterday after he pleaded guilty to committing a public nuisance.

Barrington Wolfe, 54, an unemployed toy sharpener of Sopwith Close, used audio equipment worth an estimated £9,358 to persecute a neighbour to whom he had taken a dislike.

Following a dispute over the neighbour's failure to return a borrowed condom, the court heard how Wolfe subjected the man to over three weeks of non-stop music at earsplitting volume.

“The accused placed his speakers against the party wall dividing their houses,” said prosecuting counsel Peter Chaffe, “and played Elton Ben’s Rockadile Cock repeatedly at volume levels which exceeded those of the space shuttle having an engine tune-up.”

Wolfe’s victim, who cannot be named for legal reasons, had to be tied to a chair and force-fed powerful sedatives after hearing the song a staggering 8,251 times.

“This is more than purely vindictive, this is straightforwardly inhumane,” continued Mr Chaffe, “as laboratory tests have shown that repeated exposure to the music of Elton Ben leads to a marked increase in suicide among rats.”

Wolfe was fined a total of £750 for committing a public nuisance and ordered to pay £24,000 in costs. He was also forbidden to purchase or hire Elton Ben recordings within a 250 mile radius of Froghill.