SHROUD OF TURIN ‘OBVIOUSLY A TEA TOWEL’
The ‘poster’ purchased at a Froghill charity shop three weeks ago is “categorically not the Shroud of Turin”, the Observer can reveal.
The item was spotted in the window of Save the Tapirs by housewife Millie Buckland, who bought it as a present for her husband. However, subsequent inspection gave rise to hopes that the winding cloth some believe to have contained the body of Jesus might miraculously have found its way to Froghill.
Speaking on behalf of the British Museum, Dr. Digby Morpeth told the Observer : “After subjecting it to analysis, I can confirm that the artefact in question is categorically not the Shroud of Turin. First of all, no-one has actually reported the original missing from its home in the Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist.
“Secondly, a quick check would have revealed the words ‘100% Irish Linen’ stencilled on the reverse side border, along with a tag that says 'Machine Wash, Hot Iron'.
“The item is quite obviously a tea towel, as it has stains on it which, once analysed, proved to be traces of boil-in-the-bag fish sauce.
“It is with regret that I must inform you that this could only have been Our Lord’s winding cloth if He been around eight inches tall and eating Findus Haddock Mornay at the time of his death.”
28/05/07 @ 11:39