WELCOME TO FROGHILL

THE OBSERVER CLOSES DOWN

2008-06-11T08:44:17+02:00

The Flimwell Observer has ceased publication, due to its editor having found more a more rewarding occupation.

His present work can be found at:

tadpoles.blog.co.uk

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-31T06:38:42+02:00

LOCAL GIRL WINS POETRY PRIZE

Sophie Manning (pictured above), of Appleton Close, Froghill, could hardly believe her luck last Monday when she took first prize in the ‘Little Laureate’ poetry competition.

She was presented with a cheque for £50 by Sir Stafford Blunt at a special awards ceremony at Fukham Hall in Central London. She also received a handsome trophy for her poem I Used To Have A Rabbit.

Ten-year-old Sophie is no stranger to artistic success, as she won first prize in the 7-12 section of the the Sow and Gate ‘Paint An Animal’ competition in January of last year.

Said Sir Stafford: “Sophie’s poem had everything: perfect metre, a good rhyme scheme and a deceptive simplicity. It tackled one of the grand themes of human existence in a subtle and unaffected manner, an achievement quite astonishing in one so young.”

The Observer is proud to reprint Sophie’s poem in full.

I Used To Have A Rabbit
by
Sophie Manning

I used to have a rabbit,
His name was Mr Bugs,
I’d greet him every morning,
With kisses and with hugs.

I used to have a rabbit,
His fur was white and brown,
A little tuft upon his head,
That looked just like a crown.

I used to have a rabbit,
I took him from his hutch,
And left him out on our front lawn,
Which he loved very much.

I used to have a rabbit,
While he was nibbling clover,
A speeding car veered off the road,
And ran my rabbit over.

I used to have a rabbit,
And though I was only seven,
My mummy said I mustn’t cry,
Because he’d gone to heaven.

I used to have a rabbit,
He loved to jump and play,
I ask God in my bedtime prayers,
To bless him every day.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-30T05:56:09+02:00

GLAMOROUS GRAN GETS HER KIT OFF

A local woman who is set to appear in a glamour magazine says she is “thrilled to bits at the prospect”.

Emily Fanshawe, widow of industrialist Simon Fanshawe, is to be centrefold model for the July edition of Playgran. The magazine, which has featured such mature beauties as Arsula Undress, Gloria Honeyfart and Barbara Windors, has worldwide sales of over 170.

“I really don’t know how they came to choose me,” Ms Fanshawe told the Observer, “but it’s gratifying to be recognised, isn’t it? And I’ve always rather liked being in front of the camera.”

The photoshoot, which took place at Twycross Zoo earlier this month, involved the spirited senior citizen posing semi-naked with various wild animals.

“The photographer was really nice and put me completely at my ease," the 92-year-old said, "I didn’t feel at all embarrassed about taking my clothes off and posing for him.”

The magazine, which goes on sale on June 28th, includes a photo of Ms Fanshawe wrapped in a zebra skin as well as one of her seated on the back of a tapir, wearing a flame red bodice and carrying a whip.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-28T11:32:31+02:00

SHROUD OF TURIN ‘OBVIOUSLY A TEA TOWEL’

The ‘poster’ purchased at a Froghill charity shop three weeks ago is “categorically not the Shroud of Turin”, the Observer can reveal.

The item was spotted in the window of Save the Tapirs by housewife Millie Buckland, who bought it as a present for her husband. However, subsequent inspection gave rise to hopes that the winding cloth some believe to have contained the body of Jesus might miraculously have found its way to Froghill.

Speaking on behalf of the British Museum, Dr. Digby Morpeth told the Observer : “After subjecting it to analysis, I can confirm that the artefact in question is categorically not the Shroud of Turin. First of all, no-one has actually reported the original missing from its home in the Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist.

“Secondly, a quick check would have revealed the words ‘100% Irish Linen’ stencilled on the reverse side border, along with a tag that says 'Machine Wash, Hot Iron'.

“The item is quite obviously a tea towel, as it has stains on it which, once analysed, proved to be traces of boil-in-the-bag fish sauce.

“It is with regret that I must inform you that this could only have been Our Lord’s winding cloth if He been around eight inches tall and eating Findus Haddock Mornay at the time of his death.”

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-27T07:52:38+02:00

SQUID GUTTED BY CHEF'S SCHOOL VISIT

A local school continued its drive to get its children eating more healthily by inviting a professional chef in to do a cookery class last Friday.

Cheetingham CE Primary hit the headlines back in January with its controversial initiative to promote good eating habits by force-feeding its pupils with junk food.

"Our junk food campaign was a resounding success,” said headteacher Arnold Plumm, “with over 50 children becoming so sick that they vowed never to touch another burger again.

“This time we decided to change the focus and demonstrate how healthy recipes can be created at home using only the most basic ingredients.”

Children from Class 6b looked on entranced as Marco Giordano, head chef at the Trattoria Primavera in Legover Street, showed them how to kill and clean a squid using only a teaspoon and a cotton bud. Stripping the creature of its tentacles, the chef then mixed them together with limpet shells, rosemary, belladonna and live yogurt to create his celebrated ‘Frutti di Mare Curd Surprise’.

"Mr Giordano is an excellent showman as well as a top-flight chef,” said Mr Plumm, “and he made it all look so easy.

“The children had a great time and many of them said that they were eager to get home and practice his slaughtering techniques on their family pets.”

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-27T06:58:52+02:00

LOCAL ROBOT GETS NOSEY

A remote-controlled automaton, built by a Froghill man in his spare time, looks set to revolutionise the practice of nasal barbering.

Resembling something from TV’s Robot Wars, the invention, the brainchild of Hieronymus Bush of Withering Road, is designed to safely trim and remove excess nostril hair. The ingenious device even has an onboard camera, allowing its user to target everything from stubborn clumps to individual follicles.

“The act of manually trimming nasal hair has remained essentially unchanged for the past 400 years,” said 52-year-old Mr Bush, who has applied for a patent for his machine, “but not for much longer.

"My creation, the Nasal Interior Trimmer With Integral Tweezers - or NITWIT for short - will put an end to the misery of conventional plucking. No more watering eyes, no more screaming and no more ugly grimacing in the bathroom mirror,” he added.

The invention, which cost Mr Bush £37.12 to develop, is a combination of a battery-operated toy car with two stick blenders and a digital camera gaffer-taped onto it. The whole thing is operated with a remote control handset.

“I’ll admit that NITWIT is not yet perfect,” said Mr Bush, speaking to the Observer from the Lacerations unit of Froghill General, “but none of the greats got it right first time.

“One of John Logie Baird’s early television sets exploded and severely injured his pet cat Hamish, for example.

“And it is a little-known fact that a prototype rotary washing line revolved so quickly that it bored two miles into the Earth’s crust before it could be stopped.”

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-23T08:24:28+02:00

CLUBBERS AND PUBBERS TO BE TESTED FOR DRUG USE

People out and about in the Froghill area are to be subjected to controversial new on-the-spot drugs testing, the Observer can reveal.

Starting next month, Froghill Constabulary is introducing a machine that can detect illegal substances by inducing the symptoms of nervous breakdown in the user.

The machine, called the Psychometron, is about the size of a coffin and will be taken around local nightspots in a police van. Its interior is equipped with head and body clamps, variable strobe lighting and high-quality Bose speakers.

Anyone suspected of having ingested illegal substances will be secured inside the machine for a period of 25 minutes. They will then be strobed at a flash frequency which induces epilepsy and subjected to the sound of screaming at a volume of 120 decibels.

“Basically, anyone under the influence of mind-altering substances goes gibbering mad after about 10 minutes in there,” said DS Geoff Bunton, who is spearheading Operation Mental Hygiene, a new initiative designed to clean up Froghill’s drug scene.

“If they can still talk when they come out, it’s safe to assume they’re straight,” he added.

The machine has undergone extensive trialling in the United States, where it has been credited with achieving a 99% detection rate.

Bill Blocker, landlord of The Nut Tree in Bancroft Street, said he was in favour of any measures which would help reduce drug use in his pub.

“I think it’s a great way of tackling the drugs problem and I’m all for it,” he said.

“We did get a couple of sniffer dogs in earlier this year, but after one evening on the job they found their way round the back of the bar and started drinking from the slops tray.

“Bloody animals ended up so pissed they couldn’t even sniff their own groins, let alone find a roach in a urinal,” he added.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-22T09:15:04+02:00

HOME RIPPED APART BY HOSIERY EXPLOSION

An elderly woman is today recovering in Froghill General after an explosion flattened her home and blew her legs apart yesterday afternoon.

Grandmother Ellie Ramsbotham was on her way to make a cup of tea when the explosion tore through her house in Swindler's Lane, Traubert's Heath.

People living nearby told how they were startled by the massive blast which occurred just after 1pm.

“One minute I’m making myself a spot of toad in the hole for lunch,” said neighbour Wilfred ‘Cherry’ Bakewell, “the next thing I know there’s this terrific bang and I’m flat on my back with sausages raining down on me.”

Emergency services arrived on the scene and pulled the 91-year-old pensioner from the wreckage before rushing her to the hospital's Blast Aid, Support and Treatment for Anally Retentive Dotards (BASTARD) unit.

“It seems that she’d forgotten to turn off the gas after breakfast and then fallen asleep in a chair,” said firefighter Ted Denbigh.

“When she woke up and went into the kitchen, the rubbing together of her surgical stockings generated enough static to create a spark.

The spark leapt between her knees and it was this that ignited the gas.”

"We strongly recommend that old people have their stockings earthed, particularly during extended spells of dry weather" he added.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-20T10:03:25+02:00

WE’RE JUST WILD ABOUT HAIRY

It may be months before the next one hits the shops, but no matter, because here in Froghill, we’re just wild about Hairy!

People have already started queuing outside Otterpaws in Bancroft Street in advance of the release of J.K. Toweling’s new novel Hairy Porter and the Deaf Marshmallows on July 31.

The queue started forming a week ago and is now more than three people long. First in line, 12-year-old Withering schoolboy Duncan Disordalie, said: “I’m a real Hairy Porter fan and I just can’t wait to find out whether Hairy is going to get killed or not!”

Rumours are rife that Hairy will finally meet his end in this book, which is the seventy seventh of the series.

Bets are being taken on the identity of the assassin, with bookmakers William Hillock giving odds of 4-5 on Lord Mouldy-Wart as Hairy’s killer. Fellow Hogfarts pupil Neville Shortarse is running a close second at 5-2.

Other contenders to kill the precocious little wizard include the ghost of Professor Bumblebore at 6-2, Rubiks Shagrid at 8-1 and Ron Measels at 9-2.

The bookmaker is also accepting bets on Ron and Hairy entering into an openly gay relationship (8-1), Hairy’s Numballs 2000 broomstick blowing a gasket during a round of Glenfiddich (7-5), 'Wacko' Jacko Millefeuille experimenting with crack cocaine (16-4) and Hermione Strangler getting a job as a receptionist at the Chelmsford branch of the Citizen’s Advice Bureau (12,000-1).

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-17T09:29:42+02:00

LOCAL LADS TO KICK OFF MUSIC FESTIVAL

Local band The Jimi Saville Experience have been chosen to open the annual Mudbath music festival in August after recording a session for the Steve Macaque show.

The band have announced that they will be performing on the Paul Daniels Stage from 8.50am until 9am on Friday, August 24.

Brothers Benji and Leo Bongwater, (pictured), of Swansdike, along with Dick Upright of Cheetingham and Bram Toker of Froghill make up the group which rock newspaper The Enemy described as sounding like "the bastard love child of Napalm Death and Sheena Easton".

Speaking to the Observer yesterday, Benji said that they were all really excited about being chosen but it still seemed a bit unreal.

"We are all really excited about being chosen but it still seems a bit unreal,” he said.

The lads will be playing in front of tens of music lovers at the festival, which will also feature the Ork Dick Monkeys, Babystumbles, Kaiser Chimps and Amy Winerack.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-16T12:24:09+02:00

COUNCIL EXONERATED OVER 'CONFUSING' SIGNS

A bizarre traffic accident has justified Froghill Council’s decision to position two entirely different warning signs on the same stretch of road.

The signs, which stand on opposite sides of Three Mile Lane, Cheetingham, both face in the same direction. One warns drivers of to be on the lookout for low flying aircraft, the other features the silhouetted image of a piece of string.

The seeming contradiction was first spotted on May 5 by a motorist who then publicly accused Froghill Council’s Highways Department of frivolity.

In a statement made yesterday, Highways Department spokesman Ken Wallaby said: "It is not, nor ever has been, the Council's policy to mislead the public. My department takes its signage responsibilities very seriously and recent insinuations of bureaucratic mischief are entirely without foundation.

”The stretch of road in question is a notorious accident blackspot and this is why we made the decision to sign it as we did.

"Let me reiterate," he added, "that Froghill Council Highways Department would never deliberately string people along.”

In yesterday’s incident, a motorist was lifted bodily from his open top sports car after a piece of twine became wrapped around his neck. The twine was trailing from the cockpit of a light aircraft passing overhead.

The man was carried for some three miles in the direction of Froghill before the twine worked loose, depositing him in an open dung silo at the Mungo Park Road methane processing plant.

The car meanwhile veered through a hedge and careened into a field of sheep, killing one and injuring eight. Six more are being treated for shock.

Police enquiries are ongoing but the Observer can reveal that the other end of the twine was attached to the aircraft's pilot, whose belt had snapped upon take off. The pilot, who is a member of the Froghill Area Cessna Enthusiasts Society (FACES), will be grounded pending investigation.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-15T05:49:30+02:00

SKELETON FOUND IN CRISP PACKET

Builder Brian Whitstable got a bigger crunch than he bargained for when he popped a handful of crisps into his mouth last Friday morning.

For Mr Whitstable, 27, of Swansdike Road, was amazed to find that not only did his packet contain the expected Roast Seal Pup crisps, there was also a complete vole skeleton in there, too.

"I'd already eaten about half the packet when my teeth cracked against something hard," said Mr Whitstable, “and when I pulled the object out of my mouth, I found it was the skull of a small rodent.”

This came as a particular shock, as it wasn't the first time Mr Whitstable had come across an undesirable object in a packet of Wanker’s crisps.

“About three months ago I found the firing pin from an AK 47 assault rifle in a bag of Sour Cream and Nightshade,” he said, “and last year I found a yak’s testicle in a packet of Salt and Peyote."

When contacted by the Observer, a spokesman for Wanker's Snack Foods said: “It certainly does seem unfortunate that Mr Whitstable should have found so many foreign bodies in our products.

“We have investigated his complaint and found that there has been an infestation of voles at our Ashby-de-la-Zouch crisping plant. This appears to have been due to one of our fat saturating operatives bringing Emmental sandwiches with him to work.

“As you know, voles are powerfully attracted to Swiss cheese and have been known to bore their way through reinforced concrete walls to get at it.

“We have since issued a company-wide instruction prohibiting staff from bringing Swiss dairy products onto any of our premises.”

By way of compensation for his unpleasant experience, Wanker’s have promised Mr Whitstable an entire year’s supply of any one of their products.

Upon receiving news of the offer, Mr Whitstable said: “Well, I was thinking of never eating Wanker’s again, but with an offer like that, you can’t really refuse, can you?”

When asked which product he would choose, Mr Whitstable thought for a moment before saying that he would probably plump for Spicy Wombat flavour.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-14T07:23:07+02:00

TIGER TO REPLACE PENIS IN FRONT GARDEN

Withering resident Arthur Snoad has built a 17-foot high statue of a tiger sitting inside a petrol tank to mark the 50th anniversary of the end of rationing.

The creation, which has sparked controversy among neighbours in Buckminster Close, will be ceremonially unveiled later today. It stands on the same spot as an 8-foot phallus, which Mr Snoad was forced to remove from his garden last September by order of Froghill Council.

Half a century ago today, on May 14, 1957, Paymaster General Reginald Maulding announced in the Commons that due to stocks having reached a “satisfactory” level after the Suez crisis, fuel rationing would cease.

“I felt it important to mark this anniversary,” said 48 year-old Mr Snoad, “as the easing of restrictions led directly to seminal British inventions like the mini skirt, the rotary clothes line, the spacehopper and the salt and vinegar crisp.”

Asked for her opinion of Mr Snoad’s latest erection, neighbour Maureen Willoughby said: “Well, I ask you, what with his penis and his tiger - he’s obviously bonkers, isn’t he?”

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-13T10:00:36+02:00

CLASSIFIEDS

FOR SALE

Acne Cream. Dab a little onto your cheeks. Rub it in. Hey presto! You’ve got acne! £15. Call S. Muldoon on 446 2694. No time wasters, please.

Armpit Mirror, 2006 model. Concave surface with silicon-enhanced cantilevers. Runs on off-peak electricity. Still under warranty. £775 ono. Sol R. Power, 0372 41159.

Barg Snirfl. Wib goutr ervis lop. Ijuh froewbly wildin. £3.81. Pohen Dick Sleckseer, on 0372 41853 farte 6.30 mp.

Fiddler Crab. Housetrained, vaccinated. Eats anything, good with children. Answers to the name of Fluffy. Free to good home. Call in at Raylings Farm, Swansdike.

Knee Trembler. All belts and harnesses recently replaced. Runs on 12v car battery. Jah Wobble, 0372 48814.

Memory Stick. Three feet long, forked end, no bushy outgrowths. Recalls everything from June 2001 onwards. Just ask it a question! A must for your next party! £52. L.E. Fant, 446 2936.

Men’s Trousers. Black, 28” waist, waterproof fly buttons. Both legs missing, hence low price of £425. D. Bader, 388 7136.

Novelty Condoms, packet of 12. Variety of styles including ‘Polaris’, ‘Knackwurst’, ‘Whoa There, Tiger’, and ‘The Boy Scout’s Friend’. Unwanted gift. £4. Stan Dupp-Damyu, 446 2820.

Nut, Screws, Washer & Bolts. Would suit mechanic or tabloid journalist covering story about lunatic having sex with laundress and then running away. £21.85 ono. R. Murdoch, 0372 47750.

Robin’s Nest annual, 1978. All your favourite characters from the hit TV comedy. Lots of pictures, some big words. Also, one pair waterproof underpants. First offer of £3 or less secures. Rowan D. Bend, 446 2071.

Teach Yourself hieroglyphs. Complete and unabridged, hand-chiselled on wipe-clean basalt tablet. Includes simulated leather carry case. Offers? Rosetta Stoan, 388 7123.

Wedding Cake, four tier. Pink icing, concrete pillars. Used once only. £100. Dee Vawst, 0372 49391.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-10T06:52:24+02:00

MISSING MAN FOUND

A man who had been missing for three weeks has turned up safe and well.

Willy Standing, 35, of Bracewell Road, Cheetingham, was reported missing by his wife after he went to buy a lottery ticket and failed to return.

Police launched an appeal to help find Willy, who reappeared on Monday morning.

A spokesman for Froghill Constabulary said: "Mr Standing walked into Froghill Police Station at around 9am on Monday morning. Though he was covered in a thin, oily residue and smelt strongly of latex, he appeared to be in good health.

"This is not the first time we have been called upon to find Mr Standing, who last disappeared just after Christmas.

"It seems that on this occasion he had spent the period living in a rubbish skip behind the Teat-U-Like condom factory," said the spokesman.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-09T07:52:13+02:00

CIRCUS COMES TO TOWN

Zeferelli’s Circus is back for a two week visit which starts this Saturday on Froghill Common.

Celebrated Rumanian clowns Bobo and Gregor will be this year’s star attractions in an all-new, jam-packed show which ringmaster Elias Topper insists will be their best ever.

“Our all-new, jam-packed show will be our best ever,” he told the Observer.

In addition to Bobo and Gregor, the show will feature Perverso the blind lion tamer, The Amazing Dorito, a midget who consumes snack food while spinning on The Wheel of Death and The Flying Onanis, a trapeze duo from Paraguay whose hair-raising act involves turning aerial somersaults while simulating masturbation.

Performances are at 5pm and 7.30pm daily from Saturday, May 12 until Friday, May 25. Tickets can be purchased at the big top or by logging onto www.zeferellis.com

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-07T08:31:23+02:00

CHARITY SHOP BARGAIN ‘COULD BE TURIN SHROUD’

A fabric 'poster' bought for a pound at a Froghill charity shop could prove to be the original Turin Shroud, the Observer can reveal.

Housewife Millie Buckland spotted the faded brown and white artefact in the window of Save The Tapirs in St Alfege Street while she was out shopping last Saturday morning.

“I didn’t really know what it was,” said Mrs Buckland, “but it was advertised as original publicity material for the Woodstock festival.

“Well, it had a picture of a long-haired man on it, so I thought I might as well go in and buy it anyway.

“My husband is a big fan of the rock group Ten Years After, you see, and I knew they played at Woodstock, so I thought I’d get it as a present for him.

"I mean, it was only a pound, after all.”

However, when she got it home, her husband Brian realised immediately that Millie had found something more than just some old promotional material for a rock festival. So he contacted Crispin Havelock of the Froghill Institute for Socio-Historical Evaluation and Study (FISHES) and asked him to examine it.

Said Dr Havelock: “The tapestry is quite clearly very old, possibly as old as two millennia. The fact that one of the wrists appears to have been pierced and there are puncture marks across the forehead give me hope that this could indeed be the Turin Shroud.

"I’ve sent it to the British Museum for examination. Until they've looked it over and given us their verdict, the only thing we can do is hold our breath and wait.”

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-06T08:49:56+02:00

‘CONSTIPATED’ MAN GETS TASTE FOR SHOWBIZ

A Withering man has developed a taste for the camera after he was invited to appear in a TV commercial for a new constipation remedy.

Harry Davenport, a freelance eyeball tracker of Bolsover Lane, stars in the 30-second ad which will be screened nationwide from next week.

In the ad, Mr Davenport is seen from behind, looking mournfully over his shoulder at the viewer. He is entirely naked apart from a large, yellow ‘No Exit’ sign covering his rear end.

To the swelling strains of Beethoven’s Für Elise, we see Mr Davenport’s look of misery change to one of relief as he takes a Botevac tablet. The sign then drops away and, a moment later, we see him gratefully receiving a rubber bung from a hand which appears left of screen.

"It was great fun to do, though I was a trifle chilly during filming,” admitted 36-year-old Mr Davenport.

“I just happened to be shopping in London one day when I saw this sign for auditions and thought it would be a laugh to have a go. I never for a minute expected to be the one chosen to do the ad.

“I enjoyed it so much I’d love to do another one,” he added.

When asked if he actually suffered from constipation, Mr Davenport smiled and replied that he had no difficulties whatsoever in that department and was in fact "as regular as clockwork".

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-03T09:04:22+02:00

CLOWNS STRIKE FOR A THIRD TIME

The last thing Alastair Buckfast expected as he came out of Veejay’s News in Withering High Street this morning was to be confronted by two clowns.

But that’s precisely what happened to him - still half asleep and clutching the pint of milk he’d just bought, Mr Buckfast walked slap bang into their third attack in two weeks.

“As I came out of the shop I heard an explosion and saw a puff of smoke,” said a still shaken Mr Buckfast. “Then I saw the doors falling off a small yellow and red car which was parked by the kerb.

“Two clowns clambered out of the car. One had a big red nose and long, ginger hair. He walked up to me and asked me to smell the rose he had in his buttonhole. When I did so, it squirted me with water.

“Then the other one, who had a very white face and was wearing a pointy hat, hit me over the head with a large foam rubber hammer.

"Then they both started laughing and danced a little jig on the pavement."

However, in a departure from their usual style, the first clown carefully tucked a calling card into Mr Buckfast’s top pocket before they both bumped into one another and then made off down the street.

The card said simply: “You see us there, you see us here. Our time in the tent is drawing near.”

Anyone with information on any of the recent attacks should phone Froghill Constabulary’s special Clownline on 0372 45678. All calls will be treated in confidence.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-02T04:57:56+02:00

HISTORIC WATERCOLOUR UP FOR AUCTION

Art lovers and local history enthusiasts alike will converge on the Nag's Head this Friday to bid for an historic painting of Froghill Common.

Entitled Froghill Common, it was painted by celebrated local artist Harry Tendons in 1933. It was donated for sale by his widow Eileen.

The evocative watercolour, which has a reserve price of £3,000, measures 9 inches by 6 inches. It depicts flat grassland stretching to the horizon and, floating just off centre in the clear blue sky, a small, white cloud.

This sought-after painting, along with a variety of work by other local artists, goes under the hammer at a fundraising auction for TARTY, The Appreciation and Recognition of Tapirs Year. The bidding starts at 10am this Friday, May 4, in the saloon bar of the Nag’s Head.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-05-01T05:44:01+02:00

CLIVE BANGS HIMSELF FOR CHARITY

Clive Dither, a diehard fan of BBC TV auction show Flog It!, needed small press to make his way down to The Beeches yesterday to do a charity bang-in.

Clive, 52, a part-time boil lancer from Cheetingham, dressed up as a gavel from the show’s opening credits in order to raise money for TARTY, The Appreciation and Recognition of Tapirs Year.

Morning shoppers watched in astonishment as Clive clambered into his gavel costume before making an impassioned speech about the plight of tapirs in captivity. He then spent six hours banging his head on an auctioneer’s block while playing the theme music to Flog It! on a kazoo.

“I had the idea for the bang-in about three months ago, a tired but happy Clive told the Observer.

“At that time, I emailed Flog It! presenter Paul Martin, telling him about the event and asking him if he would make a personal appearance.

“He replied that I was a sad little man and told me to bugger off,” said Clive.

Clive’s efforts raised a total of £17.58, which he intends to donate towards the construction of an air-conditioned tapir sanctuary near Runcorn.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-30T08:22:37+02:00

CLOWNS STRIKE AGAIN

The second clown attack in less than a fortnight took place yesterday evening in the gentlemen’s conveniences on Froghill Common.

This time the victim was unemployed gigolo Rudi Bitz, who entered the facility around 7pm and went into one of the cubicles.

“I always stop at the conveniences during my evening walk,” said 28-year-old Mr Bitz, “they’re so clean and they have very good mirrors.

“I’d just shut the door and sat down when this white, gloved hand came over the top of the cubicle wall. It was holding a candy-striped walking stick. I was so astonished I literally couldn’t do anything.

“I just sat there – talk about a rabbit in the headlights!"

The handle of the stick was deftly looped around Mr Bitz’ neck and then, with one sharp motion, it was pulled upwards, yanking him to his feet.

“Well, I’ve certainly never been jerked like that in a public toilet before,” said Mr Bitz, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Then the cubicle door burst open and a clown waddled in. I just couldn't believe my eyes. He stood there looking at me for a moment and then his hair stood on end.

“Then he started laughing hysterically and pushed a custard pie in my face. I was so gobsmacked that I just stood where I was, with my trousers and pants around my ankles, while he and his friend ran away.”

Anyone with information on either of the recent attacks should phone Froghill Constabulary’s special Clownline on 0372 45678. All calls will be treated in confidence.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-29T10:00:47+02:00

HAMSTERS BRAIN DAMAGED AFTER PAPERBOY ATTACK SHOCKER

A nine-year-old boy has been hospitalised and two hamsters placed in intensive care after a savage and shocking attack in Withering.

The incident occurred as paperboy Sebastian Labrat cycled up to a house in Bigglesworth Road to deliver a copy of the Observer.

Speaking from his bed in Froghill General, where he is being treated for shock and shredded shoe laces, Sebastian said: I’d never been to that particular house before, it was only added to my round that morning.

“As I cycled up the driveway, I could hear the faint but increasing sound of growling. This was accompanied by what sounded like the patter of tiny feet.

“Then, suddenly, a flap in the bottom of the front door burst open and they came at me. They flew at my trainers and started gnawing the laces,” stammered Sebastian, before the shaking became so bad that we had to terminate the interview.

According to their owner, who cannot be named for legal reasons, the two hamsters were merely acting in self defence.

“Bill and Ben regard my property as their territory,” the man said, “and any invasion of it as a signal to attack. It’s just unfortunate that I’d forgotten to bolt the hatch before I went to bed the previous evening.”

As Sebastian frantically shook his feet, the two hamsters became dislodged. He then desperately tried to pedal to safety.

The two rodents launched themselves at him again, this time fixing their teeth into the front tyre of his bicycle.

As the wheel revolved, both animals received several hard blows to the tops of their skulls.

The hamsters, both Patagonian Pit Bulls, were reported to be in a serious condition upon being admitted to a maximum security veterinary clinic at 8am yesterday.

Emma Podworthy, senior rodent rehab consultant at Pet Penitentiary, said: “Both animals were concussed by the repeated blows and there is every likelihood that they will be permanently brain damaged as a result.”

This is not the first time that the two rodents have attacked without provocation. In June of last year, the Observer reported that local residents were starting a petition after Bill and Ben shredded a man’s trouser turnups in the street.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-26T05:09:50+02:00

BOLLARDS FOR FORMER MAYOR

A former mayor is to be commemorated by the unveiling of a dual erection in the town centre.

Mayor Harry Webb, who died in a freak accident involving a pork pie and a tin of shoe polish on April 27, 2004, is to be honoured three years to the day after his death.

Two bollards were chosen for the memorial to remind people of the distinctive lumps which projected from either side of Mayor Webb’s head, requiring him to spend his life wearing hats at a jaunty angle.

Present-day mayor Peter Rudge will preside over the unveiling ceremony, which takes place outside the public conveniences in St Alfege Street, at 10am on Friday, April 27.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-25T05:27:39+02:00

STARS GIVE RECTAL SUPPORT

More stars have signed up to help raise money for a new rectal scouring unit at Froghill General.

Signed photos of Rearenders actress Barbara Windors, Crap Gear presenter Jeremy Klaxon, footballer Frank Lampost, rapper Nifty Scent and Froghill's own bladder squeezer Ginger Benbowe will be going under the hammer at the Town Hall on Friday May 4th.

They add to an already star-studded list which includes Harrison Fart, Manlie Barrilowe, Mariah Scarey, Lucy Liuroll, Victoria Feckham, Dame Judi Drench, Wayne Looney and Jenson Mutton.

Auction tickets, priced at £782.50, are available by phoning 0372 45678 or logging on to www.bumscrape.org.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-24T10:02:34+02:00

MINI MART HIT - AGAIN

A shop in Withering High Street has been targeted by burglars for the second time in six months.

Last October, a break-in at Langham’s Mini Mart occurred during a village-wide crime spree which had local residents cowering in terror.

Yesterday evening the shop was burgled again. Upon arriving at work this morning, 47-year-old proprietor Jeff Langham noticed a small, circular hole bored in the base of his back door. Nothing else was damaged and the door did not appear to have been forced.

On this occasion, £2.47 in cash, two bags of Really Cheesy Wotsits and a candle stub were stolen.

Police forensic experts later removed minute traces of string fibre from the edges of the hole and a quantity of small, round droppings from a display shelf inside the shop.

“The nature of the haul, the string fibres and the droppings all suggest the use of remote-controlled mice to pull off the robbery,” a police spokesman told the Observer.

“If this proves to be the case, it marks a new and particularly disturbing development in breaking and entering,” he added.

If you have any information about Tuesday’s robbery or if you know of anyone who regularly ties up rodents, you should phone the Froghill Constabulary on 0372 47777. All calls will be treated in confidence.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-23T08:49:03+02:00

NO OLD BAGS IN FROGHILL, THANKS TO MICHELLE

A nationwide competition to design an environmentally friendly carrier bag has been won by a Froghill College student.

The competition, which was the brainchild of environmental group the Trees, Water And Terrain Society (TWATS), required entrants to design a bag which, while maintaining the strength and economy of plastic, would completely degrade after a set period of time.

The first prize of £53.20 was awarded to Michelle Duckwitz, 19, of Old Mill Road, Swansdike, for her invention of a bag which spontaneously combusts after two hours.

“I made the bag in the chemistry lab at college,” said Michelle.

“The plastic used in the design has minute sensors integrated into its molecular structure,” she explained, “so that a countdown process is activated as soon as anything weighing over 50 grams is placed in the bag.

“Then, after a period of exactly two hours, the bag bursts into flame and burns at a temperature in excess of 350°C, which ensures that it is totally consumed in under four seconds.”

In order to avoid accidental injury to its owner, the bag also features an alarm clock attached to one of its handles by a piece of string. The alarm clock can be set to ring just prior to combustion.

When asked what might happen should the alarm clock prove to be defective, Michelle replied that she was thrilled to have won and would celebrate by treating her boyfriend to a takeaway from I’ll Be Burgered.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-22T10:52:44+02:00

ACCIDENTAL FORWARD SETS COUNCIL BACK

Members of Froghill Town Council have been caught red-faced and red-handed after a junior staff member accidentally forwarded an internal email to everyone on the Council’s mailing list.

The staff member in question was a part-time secretary who has since left the Council’s employ, the Observer can reveal.

The mail concerns a Council fact-finding trip to our twin town of Horsbaden, made in March of this year. It describes how the party of four councillors made an unscheduled two-day stop in Amsterdam on their return journey. It then goes on to itemise the expenses incurred.

The list includes 5-star hotel accommodation and restaurants, as well as the sum of £965.81 spent at the ‘Smoky Bear A Go Go Striptease Bar and Animal Sanctuary’ in the city’s infamous Walletjes district.

When asked by the Observer if he or his colleagues had ever misused ratepayer’s money, Councillor Dennis Meddings insisted that the bar visit was “purely for research purposes” and that “although he never put his hand in his pocket, he never took his trousers down either.”

The Councillor was then heard to mutter an abusive two-word phrase before turning on his heel and walking away.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-19T05:21:32+02:00

POLICE RELEASE DESCRIPTIONS OF CLOWNS

Froghill Constabulary has released the descriptions of two clowns who forcibly subjected a man to their antics in Friar’s Lane, Traubert’s Heath, on April 15.

The victim was walking alone at 9pm when the pair emerged from a small yellow and red car with steam issuing from the radiator.

One of the pair held the man pinioned, while the other tweaked his nose, threw a bucket of confetti over him and filled the front of his trousers with whitewash. Both assailants then repeatedly parped a squeeze-bulb horn before bumping into one another and running off in the direction of the Fox and Hounds.

The first clown was of medium height and was dressed in a white, one-piece suit with black pompom buttons down the front. He was wearing a pointed hat and had a tear drop painted onto his left cheek.

The second clown was of chubby build and had a big, red nose, a painted mouth and large black crosses pencilled over his eyes. He was wearing baggy checked trousers held up with braces, a revolving bow tie and size 62 shoes.

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From the pages of the Froghill Observer

2007-04-18T08:58:14+02:00

STUDENT TO SPEND FORTNIGHT MILKING TAPIRS

An intrepid Froghill College student will be jetting off on Monday to spend two weeks as a volunteer in Colombia.

Once there, physical education major Matthew Granger, 21, will be lending a hand in the country’s newly-established tapir milking programme.

Matthew will be working on a farm about 50 miles outside the capital, Bogota. The farm collects and packages tapir sperm, which is then sent to the United States, where it is highly prized as a cure for baldness.

Not only does this initiative provide much-needed hard currency for the impoverished South American nation, it is also seen as a way to reduce Colombia’s excessive dependence on coca cultivation and processing.

Matthew will be working alongside three other like-minded people from around Britain, all of whom volunteered as part of the Alternative Cures from Developing Countries (AC/DC) project.

He has already taken part in an intensive five-day orientation session in London to prepare the volunteers for the rigours of day-to-day life on a tapir farm.

“As a milker, my job will involve squatting inside a mock-up of a female tapir, which will be wheeled into a field full of males," said Matthew.

"By imitating the noise a female makes when aroused, I should be able to get males to approach and then mount the mock-up. Then, when a male thrusts his member through the hole in the rear, I grab the business end and direct it into a collecting bottle to catch the ejaculate.

“I’m very much looking forward to the experience,” said Matthew.

“And it’s nice to know that the fruits of my labours will not only benefit Colombia but also bring hope to those afflicted with the curse of male pattern baldness,” he added.

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